To be furious that DS and friends have drawn on faces with sharpie at sleepover

[peoplepleaser1]

Yesterday was DS' 12th birthday. He had 6 friends sleep overnight.

They've been no trouble but I've got up this morning to find they've drawn on the faces of two sleeping friends with sharpie whilst they were asleep.

They have drawn moustaches, bushy eyebrows and cheek roses. I've tried to remove it with them but it's still quite visible. Both kids have quite pale skin which has made it even more visible.

I'm mortified, and upset and angry that DS let this happen under our roof. I was responsible for these kids and I feel terrible that they did this.

I've told DS to carry on as normal and that I'll deal with him once they've all gone home.

I'm not usually very strict and DS is usually a good kid but I'm really annoyed with him- well with all of them tbh but it's not my place to do anything about that.

DS is going to his dads tonight, we aren't together. I have mentioned it to him and he has said I'm ridiculous and overreacting. I planned to ban DS from electronics for a couple of days but his Dad has said he won't back me up so I can't do that.

AIBU and overreacting?!

Well apologies are all done now, it should be off in time for school, the best thing to do now would be to help them all move on and stick together, far less likely to be bullying from others at school if the six are still mates, and you really don't want the two to be labelled as bullies for one event.

They are not at the same school Brillo.

and you really don't want the two to be labelled as bullies for one event.

Surely the best way to not be labelled a bully is not to engage in bullying? And it's not really up to the OP or her son as to whether these boys remain friends with boys who did this is it?

Apologising doesn't make everything ok. At the very least I think the boys should wait and see exactly what they need to be apologising for.

@LittleChristmasMouse I wouldn't think much of an adult who took photos of the event. That said, I have very little truck with anyone who posts anything identifiable online, and with people who take photos of one another without permission.

I think it's a bit of a red herring to worry about Monday. If the vandalised boys' mothers Google it (I have done!), they'll find a way that gets the stuff off.

Nanny the thing is tho that you’re assuming the worst with what you’re saying “X will happen..Y will happen..and it will be the worst thing ever”. And kids pick up on that fear.

This situation is not insurmountable and to act as if it is a huge drama is teaching children that they can’t cope with anything as it’s all such a big deal

Well Siam one of the children has already been ridiculed, so that is pretty crap for them

I would be horrified if my child was involved in this , its all about consent and if the boys were ok with being the but of the joke, clearly they didn't which is completely their right, which makes it wrong. This thread does make me depressed for when my girls grow up. Just because this isnt a more serious thing doesnt minimise it. Surely making a person cry isnt good? Surely kids need to learn making someone cry isnt acceptable

DS has been collected by his dad who called me uptight and pathetic in front of DS and also told DS to take no notice and never to loose his sense of humour like his mum

I can’t think why he’s your Ex? 🤔

Fuck muppet. Even if he thinks it’s not a big deal, saying what he did to DS is not only ‘not helpful’ it’s teaching DS to disrespect you or hate him. Idiot. Do you think DS will feel hurt that he talks about/to you like that or do you think it makes DS feel like he can just ignore you & treat you like shit too?

I think it's a bit of a red herring to worry about Monday. If the vandalised boys' mothers Google it (I have done!), they'll find a way that gets the stuff off.

I googled it too. Where it advises some products, including bleach (on your face and eyes. Yeah great idea) might help to remove it. Otherwise it will come off as your skin sheds. Very reassuring. I think the chances of it being gone by Monday is negligible and that's without the fact that one boy has already had to face his team mates this afternoon.

No adults on here would find this funny if it were done to them but because these are children they just have to suck it up and laugh it off.

14yo ds said he wouldn't find it funny and would be annoyed. (He's autistic and doesn't have a great range of emotional words).
He then said he'd never do it to someone as "it's a prick move and anyone with half a brain thinks it's a prick move"

There is hope I suppose that some kids may side with the victims and the perpetrators will be the ones that suffer the most.

He did one wrong thing, one.
The other kids at school may not want to be his mate now, or they may think it's funny too, y'know, also being 12 and Fitch the others, they may choose sides based on who has the best x box game.
Sticking together as much as possible, even if not at school will help them.

Also the girl Dd was at school with who had a drama llama mother, ended up with everyone avoiding because of the mother, poor kid.
And no, I didn't encourage Dd to keep the friendship after the second term because she was a PITA which was confirmed by several teachers.

However I don’t think we should fall into the trap of assuming that a 12 year old will think about things the same way an adult would. You can’t expect 12 year olds to stop in that kind of situation and have the “consent / assault” thought process. It would be nice if they did but that’s just not how their minds work.

I've picked this quote out although there are plenty in the same vein. If the ones who did it are deemed not old enough to have an adult's understanding of their actions, why - at the same time - are so many posters saying that the boys who were drawn on are not entitled to be upset and should be mature enough to laugh it off? ie, they have to act like an adult?

This is four kids picking on two. It might not be the worst or most extreme example of bullying, but just the numbers means it is bullying.

I wonder as well if these 2 boys are at school together or with any of the boys in this group?

I think it will be even worse if one has to walk into school on his own on Monday morning looking like this.

youarenotkiddingme

Your son sounds very mature.

I would be furious if it happened to my dd, and she would be utterly distraught and probably never go on a sleepover again. Not at all funny. There were asleep, not joining in the fun thinking it was hilarious. Agree with you op.

It seems pretty likely that whoever fell asleep first would have been drawn on though, so it's not necessarily targeted abuse of specific individuals like bullying.

It's a prank that immature kids didn't think through the consequences of (pen being difficult to remove, feelings getting hurt etc). That thoughtlessness seems pretty different to deliberate bullying to me.

If it wasn't targeted, why stop at 2? If the guests were drawn on as they fell asleep, surely there should be 5 not 2 with sharpie on their faces? Sounds deliberate to me.

As for adults doing this type of thing - words fail me.

Well Siam one of the children has already been ridiculed, so that is pretty crap for them

Yes it’s not nice but again if you catastrophise and make a big deal of things the kid will pick up on that.

I think you can appreciate that something is a huge deal for a 12 y.o without also feeding into the drama and accelerating it.

Unfortunately the possibility being laughed at at some point is not only part of school life but also adult life. Not great but you can’t control others, only yourself.

He can't control being drawn on, can he Siam!

Mine did that to himself at about 8. It comes off pretty quick. Also he.cut his friends hair one (when they were about 13/14) and that was the first time I met that friend's mum!

He can't control being put into isolation at school either can he if the pen is still there on Monday.

Do the parents have any elbow grease? Never tried it on skin but it’s removed some stubborn stains from clothing

fishonabicycle

Surely if it were so easy to get off then the efforts of the OP plus the boys' parents once they were home would already have succeeded?

If the school punish a child for something that genuinely wasn't their fault then surely that's a problem with the school?

And I think it's perfectly plausible that the kids drew on the first couple to fall asleep then got bored and moved on to any number of other activities before themselves going to sleep. But you seem really determined to catastrophize this as some kind of prolonged bullying campaign Chic.

Unfortunately the possibility being laughed at at some point is not only part of school life but also adult life. Not great but you can’t control others, only yourself.

errr...some of us (including the OP) are old-fashioned enough to think we should also try to control the behaviour of our children. OP takes her duties in the respect seriously; you are the one that seems to think her ds is such a snowflake that he can't possibly cope with a bit of a bollocking. I can't see anything wrong or dramatic either with her first post or her later posts.

Who says he is going to be put into isolation
Mouse?

This sort of over analysing and expecting the worst is why so many children have anxiety. They will pick up on it.

Imagine telling him “you could be put into isolation..drama..catastrophe” Poor kid will be a nervous wreck if you feed ideas like that into him!

If the parent suspected the isolation might happen a word with the school might help?