To be furious that DS and friends have drawn on faces with sharpie at sleepover

[peoplepleaser1]

Yesterday was DS' 12th birthday. He had 6 friends sleep overnight.

They've been no trouble but I've got up this morning to find they've drawn on the faces of two sleeping friends with sharpie whilst they were asleep.

They have drawn moustaches, bushy eyebrows and cheek roses. I've tried to remove it with them but it's still quite visible. Both kids have quite pale skin which has made it even more visible.

I'm mortified, and upset and angry that DS let this happen under our roof. I was responsible for these kids and I feel terrible that they did this.

I've told DS to carry on as normal and that I'll deal with him once they've all gone home.

I'm not usually very strict and DS is usually a good kid but I'm really annoyed with him- well with all of them tbh but it's not my place to do anything about that.

DS is going to his dads tonight, we aren't together. I have mentioned it to him and he has said I'm ridiculous and overreacting. I planned to ban DS from electronics for a couple of days but his Dad has said he won't back me up so I can't do that.

AIBU and overreacting?!

I wonder whether the different responses have any direct correlation between those who were bullied or who were the bullies at school?

I think it's quite safe to assume that is the case.

Oh ok - I’m mean cos I disagree with you🤷‍♀️
But you’re allowed to infer I was a bully but at the same time if I tried to insult you you wouldn’t like that one bit I imagine.

What do you think will happen if they go to school with pen on? What is the worst that could happen?! Stop trying to protect kids from ever being upset or experiencing an emotion or an inconvenience in life.

In this day and age I would not be encouraging my children to do pranks, however harmless they may seem, with the pressure of social media there is a much greater chance of things going horribly wrong.

Siam as some people have said they could be put into detention for having pen on their face. My DS has never had a detention, he would be so upset if he got a detention, especially if it was for something so out of his control. Never mind being upset by having the pen on his face.

People need to know from an early age that you don’t do anything to someone who is asleep

This

I'd be really cross if my child came home with sharpie on their face, and my child wouldn't be having sleepovers at your house again in a hurry, if ever

But none of these things have happened ineed..no ones got detention. It’s too much hand wringing. Why over analyse the entire thing and be all what if what if? Deal with things if/when they happen!

What outcome do people want from this? Blood?

Is it a catastrophe? No, but it's not a nice way for so-called friends to act. I think some type of punishment is fine, and I'd be worried about how the parents of the two boys will react. With luck, they'll be understanding.

I'd be tempted to let the two "vicitims" give the "graffiti artists" a taste of their own medicine (i.e. let them each draw on the other boys). Immature, probably, but that might be the best way for them to learn that it's not quite such a funny joke when you're the one who's been doodled on with a permanent marker.

How has it gone with the parents OP?

But Siam you asked what might happen when they go to school, so I have said what might happen!

"What is the worst that could happen?!"

Out of the possibilities that spring to mind from my own experience I would say social media bullying.

"Oh my god - 1st world problems!!!! Its felt tip. Get over it."
Its not felt tip. Sharpies are permanent markers which are really really hard to get out. Even off skin. Id be peed off if it happened to my child cos its so hard to get off. Wouldnt be bothered if it was felt tip.

Oh ok - I’m mean cos I disagree with you🤷‍♀️
But you’re allowed to infer I was a bully but at the same time if I tried to insult you you wouldn’t like that one bit I imagine.

What do you think will happen if they go to school with pen on? What is the worst that could happen?! Stop trying to protect kids from ever being upset or experiencing an emotion or an inconvenience in life.

You can insult me all you like. It's an anonymous internet forum - so what?

These boys are upset and can't exactly hide what has been done to them. Everyone who sees them will be aware. That sets them up as not only having been humiliated by boys who were meant to be their friends but also potential laughing stocks at school.

Don't victim blame here - it's not the responsibility of the victim to laugh it off or to handle it better.

As for what will happen at school? Well, apart from the other kids laughing at them school might well take the view that their appearance is disruptive and put them in isolation. Do you think that's ok? That they should be punished for being an entirely innocent victim?

Kids make other kids lives miserable. If the boys go to school like that it will take a very long time to live it down.

It's not up to anyone else to minimise that. The boys will feel what they feel. Some kids would laugh it off, maybe even enjoy the attention or notoriety. Some would be mortified.

Seriously, if you woke up tomorrow and someone had drawn a moustache, big bushy eyebrows and 2 big cheeks on your face would you go into work on Monday without a care?

I think it can be removed entirely by nail varnish remover. Obv. That is very harsh on skin, so gentle wash and then moisturiser needed after.

Try a small patch. In my experience, nail varnish remover totally dissolves sharpie ink

None of these things have happened Mouse. It must be so stressful agonising over everything like this. What if this what if that. Look, realistically -kids are going to get laughed at at school. That is life.

ineed if they get an unwarranted detention then can it not be explained away?

It’s all so catastrophic-no wonder so many youngsters have anxiety if the parents are such nervous wrecks and teaching them that everything is a huge deal and a drama.

If someone drew on my face I would draw on them back. Sure, I’d be a bit annoyed but I’d give it a good scrub and yes I’d have to go to work. Where I would be ribbed which would no doubt constitute bullying even though we are all friends.

A serious lack of emotional intelligence/empathy by some posters here. I imagine that your children would be the ones doing the drawing on others’ faces and laughing about it.

I would be pointing out some of the natural consequences that are likely to come out of this:

• The parents of the two boys are unlikely to be letting them go on sleepovers with the culprits again. They won't be in a hurry to invite them to their houses either. So that's one third of his current friendship group no longer as available as they used to be.

• The two boys are upset. They will have learned that they can no longer trust your DS or the other culprits. That's likely to have an effect on their friendship going forward. They may well be seeing your DS in a different light now.

Even if you and your ex choose not to punish, there will be consequences.

wine
You see I see it differently. Too much focus on emotion not only on this thread but in everyday life. I say some reactions here are way over the top-not that I wouldn’t tell my DC to apologise. But what do people want from this? Hangings?!

Siameasy, you asked us what would be the worst thing that could happen, and when Mouse answers your question you accuse her of being over-anxious and agonising.

Of course, no bullying at school has resulted yet: this is Saturday. They haven't been back yet. Whether it does or not, will no doubt depend on the two boys' social standing at school- at least that's how it worked when I was at school in the 60s or 70s. If you had a strong position in the group, you knew you'd be fine because your friends would be loyal and it would genuinely just be friendly ribbing. If you were on the outskirts you prayed that there would never be an occasion to laugh at you because it would very quickly go beyond friendly ribbing.

We knew perfectly well that bullying happened. But perhaps that's just because we were all snowflakes in the 60s.

Permanent marker btw cannot just be taken off with a "good scrub". So good luck with that if you were meeting clients.

Because of recent concerns about discipline, many schools are a LOT stricter with uniform infringements than they were 10-20 years ago. Of course we don't know if this school is one of them. But you didn't ask that: you asked for worst scenarios.

Amazing that I managed to raise a 25year old and a 20 year old without either of them getting into trouble really isn't it?

@LittleChristmasMouse

1. I'm going to ignore your sarcasm and say no, it isn't amazing. The huge majority of young people are, actually, ok and don't 'get into trouble'. In the same way that the huge majority of parents are, actually, ok on the whole.

1. Sometimes you're just lucky if you happen to hit the genetic lottery and have children who never, ever do anything they shouldn't. You can be equally unlucky and have a child who does do things they shouldn't, despite your best efforts and despite the fact that all your other DC are untroublesome.

1. Children with parents who are smug, inflexible and inclined to see victimhood everywhere are not that likely to tell their parents if they have a problem or if they get into trouble. They would know their lives wouldn't be worth living, so why would they?

Deal with silly/bad behaviour in 12 yr olds, by all means, but in a proportionate manner. 12 yr olds are still children, and it's not that hard to make them feel bad if they've done something they shouldn't have done, without resorting to humiliating them and imposing non-sensical punishments.

Crossed with @GinUp, who says very sensible things. These consequences are natural and right, and are more likely to deter repeat behaviour.

It’s not overreacting OP. Can’t believe how many posters are shrugging this off. The kids it happened to are upset. This is bullying, even if it only lasts a day those poor kids have to go around being the butt of this really unkind ‘joke’. How is that ok with some here?

TriarFuck

Nope. I didn't hit the genetic lottery with my kids. They were raised to face consequences and to think about what they had done.

They weren't raised to excuse their behaviour by claiming that an innocent party was over reacting or a snowflake or couldn't take a joke.

Where do you all draw the line? Why is humiliating another child funny? Maybe the kids who were drawn on should get to write " I'm a nasty bully" on the faces of the kids who did it? It would only be a bit of a laugh after all.

I remember moving schools in year two as it was then, so year 8 as it is now. I had my old pencil case and at my old school there was a social group that listened to a certain kind of music, so think something like goths, but it wasn't that. Anyway I had written the name of a particular band associated with this social group on my pencil case. It was noted by a boy in my class on my very first day. I do not exaggerate when I say I was hounded by him and his large group of friends from that day forward for the next three years. Not a day went by where I wasn't ridiculed and harassed about this band, and of course it escalated into much worse bullying because I was now a target. This bullying became physical and I was often asked the most disgusting personal questions so it became sexual harassment too. Everyone joined in and that was my life for three years. Once you're a target that's it.

I think this thread is interesting as it shows clearly the thought processes of bullies ie it's not important, it doesn't matter, toughen up, it's just a laugh and so on and on and all the while the victim is in a living hell which often goes on for a very long time as it's very difficult to shake off that target once it's on you. Unless those boys are very socially adept and their social positions are very well bedded in then there's a really good chance that this incident will put nice fat targets on their backs so that everyone picks up on it and gets to have a go. I think people who are dismissing this aren't partying clued about the dynamics of bullying or were probably bullies themselves, though of course they'd never see themselves as that.

Reading these responses is making me feel terribly guilty for stripping a mate bollock naked in an all night cafe in Seoul after a heavy night and leaving him there!

Ha! I’d laugh at this 😄 how are you all so uptight?!