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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
alittlesnow · 05/04/2019 13:52

@shoeshoebadoo

Hard one. OTOH I am sure your mother (and family) are nice, but it's understandable for your DH to not want to go on holiday with them.

DH's family are pleasant, but would I want to go on hols with them? No. Can't explain why, I just wouldn't. And DH wouldn't want to go with mine.

We have meals together (on special occasions) and see each other for a few hours on Christmas Eve, (as well as seeing each other a couple of times a month for casual visits,) but a 2 week holiday together? No thanks.

Your DH seems a bit controlling though by thinking he can do what he wants because he earns more. A little red flag there IMO.

Like the other posters, I am sorry about your dad, and I can almost understand your mom doing what she did. She was still wrong though.

Ginger1982 · 05/04/2019 13:53

I think you totally planned this!

stacktherocks · 05/04/2019 13:57

Your mum massively fucked up and I think you need to tell her so. I fear for everyone's relationship, quite frankly. This is going to be very hard to work through

Eh, not necessarily.

All it takes is OP telling her mum she was in the wrong and mustn’t ever do that again, and then letting her mum feel whatever feelings she needs to, and then explaining to her DH she’s sorry for being a dick and is looking forward to the holiday and has his back and knows her mother was BU.

Should be easy enough to move on from, unless OP enjoys drama and prolongs it with lots of back and forth and wailing and whatnot.

However I’m not hopeful for this outcome given that OP seems more on her mother’s side then her DPs...

sandi2019 · 05/04/2019 13:57

I think you totally planned this!

100% 😂

justasking111 · 05/04/2019 13:57

DIL`s family are like this. They crashed holidays, meals out, family get togethers from the very beginning, we just bite our lip and always include them now. We were gobsmacked at the beginning. DS has put his foot down about this I suspect, they have not turned up at the last few holidays abroad. They still gatecrash family/friend functions.

SkinnyPete · 05/04/2019 13:59

I think you totally planned this!

Gonna be honest and say something doesn't add up here. Maybe not planned, but possibly knew about it.

chillpizza · 05/04/2019 14:00

I would do the same as dh. Then again nobody but work and pet sitters know the exact date till the month of any of our holidays. Unless I invite you, you are not welcome.

RomanyQueen1 · 05/04/2019 14:01

It was wrong of them to book without asking, but the reason is a damn good one.
I'm so sorry about your Dad, it seems like your mum would have loved a family holiday.
Your dh is mainly in the wrong for changing the date without even discussing it with you first. Dh is wrong here.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 14:03

Your DH seems a bit controlling though by thinking he can do what he wants because he earns more. A little red flag there IMO

Except he actually doesnt, if you read the thread.

Tennesseewhiskey · 05/04/2019 14:05

It was wrong of them to book without asking, but the reason is a damn good one.

A vague plan that's been mentioned for 6 years? That's a good reason to book on someones holiday without telling them?

QuickThinkOfAName · 05/04/2019 14:06

Also your mums still going on holiday with your brother and sister. So she’s not alone? She’s having a family holiday just not with the ops family.

BlackCatSleeping · 05/04/2019 14:11

Your mum shouldn't have done that, but as the OP was fine with it, then her husband also shouldn't have just decided by himself to change the dates. That wasn't very nice of him.

I feel sorry for you, OP. It must be hard being stuck in the middle.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 14:13

I wish people would read the threads.

The OP admits she turns a blind eye to her mothers behaviour and she finds it easier to be mad at him than her.

She clearly sides with the mother all the time

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/04/2019 14:13

You don’t get treated with much respect by your family do you OP?
That’s the thing that really stands out to me here. Your mother is treating you like a child and your husband is certainly not treating you as an equal in your relationship. His response is every bit as disrespectful to you as your mother’s actions were. I can understand why you’re upset. It’s awful to feel stuck in the middle but this situation is not of your making and you have been infantilised and disrespected by two people who should know better.
Don’t get sad, get mad. You need to tell them both that, whatever their intentions, they have been disrespectful to you and you are cross and embarrassed by their behaviour.

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2019 14:14

I can’t see how it’s a damn good reason. Op has booked a lovely family holiday and her mum thinks she can take it over to be HER family holiday as she has wanted one for 6 years since her husband died. That doesn’t mean she can coopt her daughters family holiday!

Cheeserton · 05/04/2019 14:17

Honest question OP. Did you in any way encourage your mother?

BlackCatSleeping · 05/04/2019 14:18

I wish people would read the threads.

Just because people don't agree with you, doesn't mean they haven't read the thread.

It's the OP's holiday, too. Her husband should have discussed changing the dates with her before doing so. The OP should have had a say too. They are supposed to be equal partners.

anxiousbean · 05/04/2019 14:20

I also feel sorry for your husband. I wouldn't have changed the dates though - I would have just cancelled the holiday (and probably made some sort of excuse to the in laws). I slightly admire his panache for not being worried about being impolite - but only you know if this is a straw the broke the camel's back sort of thing or if he is generally high-handed, which would make a difference to whether I was angry with him too. Sorry. I do realise you feel guilty and your mum might be lovely, but she was massively out of order on this occasion, and you should have had your husband's back.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 14:21

It's the OP's holiday, too. Her husband should have discussed changing the dates with her before doing so. The OP should have had a say too. They are supposed to be equal partners.

They arent equal partners because the OP sides with her mother. She cant forgive him, because he didnt just shut up and go along with it.

She admits she is blinkered to her mothers behaviour and prefers to get mad when her dh wont do as her mother wants.

I didnt say people hadnt read the thread, because they dont agree.

But that people clearly haven't read that OP admits to not putting her husband on equal footing.

Coronapop · 05/04/2019 14:21

Your DH wanted a holiday with his immediate family not all the inlaws including your siblings! Your DM should not have booked without asking him about it first. Just enjoy your holiday with him and your DCs.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 14:23

If the OP posted that her husbands mother had done this and that he prefers to get made at her when she womt just go along with the mothers plans and that he turns a blind eye to his behaviour, would people be feeling bad for him being put in the middle?

LuvSmallDogs · 05/04/2019 14:23

I don’t think what your husband said about “his money” was okay, but (if it’s a one off) I’d let it go after talking it out.

I think your DH is massively fucked off with his MIL being put above him/being elevated to untouchable family martyr. I think he saw red when you weren’t outraged by your mother’s intrusion, and expected him to go along with it. I think he’s probably suspicious over how well his MIL knows times/places of your holiday and thinks you’ve made your own unilateral decision regarding her coming.

Tell your DH he doesn’t have a MIL problem, he has a DW problem.

Tennesseewhiskey · 05/04/2019 14:24

I don’t think what your husband said about “his money” was okay, but (if it’s a one off) I’d let it go after talking it out.

He didnt

Raspberry88 · 05/04/2019 14:25

OP. When you said that your DH booked the holiday for you and your DCs do you mean that it was a surprise? Was he doing it as a treat for you? Did it come out of family money or does he have a separate pot? The way your OP reads sounds a bit like this is something special he's planned and if so I can understand why he feels a sense of ownership.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/04/2019 14:25

I would probably have moaned a bit and then just got on with it so as not to hurt close family members feelings whilst eliciting an agreement to not let it happen next time

TBH I'd probably have done the same the first few times, but we've no way of knowing how often these things have happened - especially when OP's been quite open about her DM's needs taking priority and that, now he just wants some time alone, she "can't forgive" her DH

As said, the whole thing suggests some deep talking is needed - and that's between OP and her DH, before anyone else gets consulted or dragged into the issue