AIBU: Can't forgive husband

[shoeshoebadoo]

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

Personally, I dont think the dh is putting the OP in the middle.

The mother is. And it's clear that this has been going on a while. The OP admits she is angry with her dh and cant forgive him, but fine with her mum. She admits that she turns a blind eye to her mums behaviour.

It reads, to me, that she sides with the mother and let's her do what she wants and expects her husband to go along with it. She has put herself in the middle. He has just decided enough is enough and that Op wouldn't side with him this time either.

Did he talk to you about not wanting holiday with your mum?
Did your mum talk to you before she booked?

It all sounds a bit weird. The only way it would have happened in my family would be if dh booked the holiday, I told mum and she and I decided it would be nice if she could book it too with sibling's family too to fulfil her dream..... in other words, mum and I cooked it up together.

I get it you need to make a stand BUT as OP stated things are more than amicable, she does a lot for them and GC and doesn't overstep the mark.

OP also said that she is blinkered to her mothers behaviour.

The impression I got was that she is not overbearing and doesn't have form so in this context, yes I think her DH reacting this way was a horrible thing to do. Sometimes a conversation is all that is needed

A conversation from Mum with OP + DH discussing joining them on holiday is all that was needed. I wonder why this didn't happen? I can't imagine someone who normally has great boundaries and sensitivity suddenly crashing someone else's holiday?

UNLESS of course, the OP in telling her Mum made it sound like she wouldn't mind if Mum booked to go on it too? Or at least didn't discourage her?

I also disagree that he is technically still on holiday with his MIL. She is in the same resort at the same time...I'd just be filling my time as planned and accommodating her on quieter nights/days

Perhaps DH knows that this won't happen in reality. If MIL has not got the tact to ask if joining them on holiday in the first place would be okay, I imagine that she won't have any qualms about muscling in on all their activities either.

I think your mum was massively presumptuous and I would have lost my shit if I'd been in your DH's position. It's one thing to get along with someone for short periods at home but quite another to save up and look forward to a relaxing holiday, only to find out your in laws have muscled in. It totally changes the dynamic.

Going by your mum's behaviour I thought you were going to say your dad passed away a few months ago!

Sorry, but I'm another who can see the DH's point here. Maybe he could have handled it better, but surely the real fault was your DM's for not asking - especially if this insensitivity would have led to others around crowding your time for the sake of that "big family holiday she's always dreamed of"

I understand that you must all have been traumatised over your DF's dreadful accident, but you did also say it was "many years ago". Maybe, instead of blaming your DH, this might be a good time for a real talk about family dynamics going forward?

Seeing as the OP's mum is still grieving, I think she should get some leeway.

OP says her Dad died ‘many years ago’. I know you can’t put a time limit on grief but neither can it be your excuse to ride roughshod over others for the rest of your life. DM was very wrong on this occasion. OP implies that DM is pretty much a fixture in their lives and while she might think that’s great her DH is probably sick of DM being there all the time. I’m amazed at so many posters being so relaxed about this given that we all know what the response would be on here if it was OP’s MIL who had gatecrashed the holiday.

I don't think the DH was wrong in changing the dates.
Because that would've been my calmest reaction. The other option was going to the MIL and ripping her a new one and saying that she wasn't to come in my house until she'd learnt what a boundary is.

Does you mother often overstep your dh’s boundaries?

What she did seems very manipulative, handing you both a fait accompli. I don’t blame your dh for responding like he did, I would have gone similarly ballistic.

What a mess. Everyone is being unread except for the OP.
Gate crashing a holiday (plus in-laws) is an extremely selfish thing to do. As for changing dates without discussing it - very autocratic.
I feel very sorry for OP it seems like everyone else is just doing what they want without giving a stuff about what she wants!
Btw I’ve had experiences of large family holidays- never again!!

I guess I do feel so sorry for my mum that I am blinkered to her behaviour
I guess I find it easier to be angrier with DH than my DM

Would it be worth thinking about these two statements in more depth, OP?

Nobody's suggested you cut your mum off, and the fact you do things like going away with her yourself and including her in lots of things is lovely. But your first responsibility is to your own nuclear family and it really might be wise to consider just how much your DH has had to "put up and shut up" in more recent years

As a PP said, " If MIL has not got the tact to ask if joining them on holiday in the first place would be okay, I imagine that she won't have any qualms about muscling in on all their activities either"

Candleglow7475 but the OP admits she turns a blind eye to her mim and expected him to go along with it.

Perhaps, it's a case of her always doing as her mum wants and expecting him to do it. And so this time he did what he wanted.

The only way it would have happened in my family would be if dh booked the holiday, I told mum and she and I decided it would be nice if she could book it too with sibling's family too to fulfil her dream..... in other words, mum and I cooked it up together.

Which I'd wager is exactly what has happened here.

If my DM did what yours did, I'd have gone ballistic before DH.

You want a big family holiday - organise one with all family members as willing participants, don't try and force one by manipulation and definitely don't invite yourself on someone else's holiday.

I can also understand your DH making his point...had he told you he was planning to change the dates, you would have either blackmailed him into not doing so or told your DM who then theoretically could have done the same.

I feel sorry for your DH.

Which I'd wager is exactly what has happened here.

And that's why the OP is pissed off with him. She expected him to just go along with it, once it was done and he hasnt.

I disagree. The only one who isn't being heard is the husband.

The mother is emotionally manipulating the Op and using her deceased father as hook to ensure she is priority. And OP admits constantly that her mother trumps her husband.

OP, I do wonder if there was a bit collusion going on here. Your mother knows the exact hotel and dates. Are you sure you didn't imply it would be okay, and that you'd sort it with your h? I can understand why he changed the dates without consulting you, because you may have pressured/guilted him into agreeing to your mother coming along.
I can just imagine your h looking forward to a lovely holiday with just his wife and children, and then discovering that 3 extra people have muscled in on this expensive and eagerly anticipated break. I would be furious too.

Perhaps DH knows that this won't happen in reality. If MIL has not got the tact to ask if joining them on holiday in the first place would be okay, I imagine that she won't have any qualms about muscling in on all their activities either.
She may well not have any qualms about making them change their planned activities completely because she'd prefer to do something different...

@Candleglow7475 I've got this idea that a holiday with all of us together would be a great albeit one off but yes in reality I'd probably be pulling my hair out after the first 24 hrs.

I get why the DH was angry, but again for the sake of future relations I wouldn't have changed the dates. The upset could have massive implications for life at home, never mind a 2 week holiday.

If there are boundary issues then this needs more attention and proper discussion.

Oh my. This is a proper disaster.

Your husband could have handled this better, but I do understand that he was probably so furious that all he could see was red.

Your mum massively fucked up and I think you need to tell her so. I fear for everyone's relationship, quite frankly. This is going to be very hard to work through

Changing the dates with no discussion was arsehole behaviour. It doesn't matter who earns more of the money - there are two people in a marriage.
As much as I would not want my ils to invite themselves on my holiday (or mynien family tbh) with no asking first, I also think that if you are happy to accept the free childcare and invite them into your life when it suits you, then you can't kick of when they behave like part of your immediate family!
Ironic that your h objects to not being consulted, but then acts unilaterally as well. Given your mum is grieving and maybe not thinking straight right now, I consider that your h has behaved like a monumental twat.
I take it he's happy to accept all the childcare help?

I too would have felt infuriated in your DH's shoes and would have seen it as manipulative of your DM. Having said that I would probably have moaned a bit and then just got on with it so as not to hurt close family members feelings whilst eliciting an agreement to not let it happen next time.neither of them come out of this very well.

They've both been high-handed and you should call them on that. DH with the booking and changing the booking without consultation. Your DM booking without asking.
Your DH is perfectly entitled to want a holiday without your DM and siblings. I wonder if he didn't tell he was changing the booking because he knew you would have felt guilty about it. So he took it out of your hands to avoid you being manipulated by your mum into allowing her to come on the holiday.
If this all makes you long for a 'big family holiday' then start planning one for next year with everyone's input and full transparency. That's the only type that will work and create happy memories rather than strain and resentment.

It's very manipulative of your DM to book a holiday at the same time and place without even running it past you. I'd be furious. No wonder your DH acted as he did. It's a bit worrying that no one in your family feels the need to take your opinion into consideration though, your DM or DH.

Your DM is upset that she caused the aggro, it she's brought it on herself though. If it's her dream to go on holiday as a larger family unit, surely she should discuss it with you in advance, not try to foist it onto you as a done deal.

I feel sorry for the dh too, OP, you need to check your priorities.

The dh probably presented the change of dates as a done deal because he didn't want to be manipulated and be made to feel guilty simply for wanting to stick to a perfectly normal plan of going on holiday with his wife and children. He actually does have every right to choose who he pays to go on holiday with and in his position I'd be upset about how disloyal my partner was being if they were angry at me.

Is your mother really crying because she's caused a problem for her daughter and son in law, or is she crying because she doesn't get her own way and has to go on holiday without you? If it's the former, then listen to her when she tells you she did the wrong thing and forgive her, if it's the latter then tell her never to do something so selfish again or she will lose her chance of ever being invited on holiday with your husband and kids.