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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
Thurmanmurman · 05/04/2019 14:29

I can understand him being pissed off and having a moan to you privately but he’s an arsehole for changing the holiday in my opinion. Pulling rank as he’s the one with the wallet. Your mum sounds like she’s had a terrible time and also from what you’ve described, is a lovely, hands on grandparent who helps you a lot. If my DH treated my mum like this I’d lose my shit, quite frankly. Yanbu.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 05/04/2019 14:30

YABU and your mother is bang out of order. She is selfish at best and sneaky and manipulative at worst.

Your DH was absolutely right to change the dates and your mother shouldn’t be crying and playing the victim because she didn’t get her own way.

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/04/2019 14:31

I would probably have moaned a bit and then just got on with it so as not to hurt close family members feelings

And that’s exactly what the DM was banking on.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 14:32

And that’s exactly what the DM was banking on.

And possibly the op

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 05/04/2019 14:34

My friend still pulls this shit after 25 years never mind a family members death 6 years ago.

I wonder if your husband's high handed attitude is a reaction to years of this type of emotional manipulation by your mum rather than how he acts normally?

I think you should be supporting your husband more over this situation. She shouldn't have booked without speaking to you both beforehand.

LadyRannaldini · 05/04/2019 14:35

Had it been your in-laws muscling in on your family holiday I can guarantee that MN rules would have you furious, only 'her' mother is allowed to do that!

alittlesnow · 05/04/2019 14:35

@Jessgalinda

Of course I have read the thread, and the OP said her husband thinks he can call the tune because he earns more. (She said 'he paid for it so thinks he has the right to change the dates.')

Anyways, I am leaning more towards the OP's husband's side now. A few posters think the OP planned it; and so do I. How did the mother know who the husband had booked with, which hotel they were staying at, which exact dates etc???

My daughter is going to Iceland in the summer, and I wouldn't even know which way to turn to book the same trip, the same flight, same hotel, same week etc... I don't know the exact dates, or which airline, or which hotel, or which travel agent.... (if they used one even!)

So the OP must have given her mother very specific details about the trip for her to have booked the EXACT trip, hotel, dates, and flights etc... So yeah I think the OP planned it.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 14:39

alittlesnow OP actually said He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates

She didnt say he said that. She then clarified that he isnt a CF with money. After lots of us asked her to clarify if he had said this.

Lucielastik · 05/04/2019 14:41

Poor you! I guess your mum was a bit daft but sounds well intentioned. Shame your DH couldn’t see it like that, have a moan and move on. It’s not so much ‘will you be able to forgive him’ - of course you will, life goes on and other stuff happens, but you will continue to feel sad and angry with him for a while because he’s hurt someone you love and she doesn’t deserve to have been treated badly. Especially by the most important person in your life.

LuvSmallDogs · 05/04/2019 14:44

Tennesseewhiskey he didn’t say that? So sorry, it took me a while to get through the thread I must be mixing up the OP and PP’s interpretations.Blush

Well even more reason to take his side, poor bugger.

nespressowoo · 05/04/2019 14:44

I would go crackers if my in-laws did this, absolutely crackers. YABVU

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 05/04/2019 14:45

Lucielastik Bollocks. The mother didn’t have good intentions; she was being selfish and forcing herself onto their holiday.

He has done nothing wrong, and the mother hasn’t been treated badly or been hurt; she’s playing the victim because her plan didn’t come to fruition.

BlackCatSleeping · 05/04/2019 14:49

I think people are making huge assumptions on this thread.

Op, communication is really important. How about discussing with both of them if a big family holiday is a possibility for another time?

I know feelings may be hurt at the moment, but hopefully they can both calm down and see that it's not fair on you.

Happynow001 · 05/04/2019 14:50

OP your husband didn't deal with the situation in the right way but he's absolutely right to be angry that without consulting either you or him she invited herself on YOUR holiday with him and your DC as well as inviting both of your siblings.

They were both Unreasonable in their actions, however, in putting you firmly in the eye of the storm: taking their own decisions without discussing things with you first and treating you as though your opinions don't matter. However your mother caused this and should accept her part in the fiasco. You are also unreasonable for not understanding your husband's view on having his time off with his immediate family hijacked.

I can't help but think there is a backstory behind this - what is it? How did you/your DH find out about the new arrangements? Why didn't your siblings try to talk her out of it or give you a heads up?

Team DH here OP - even given how he reacted.

OneDayillSleep · 05/04/2019 14:57

I’d be furious if my in laws did this and I’d change the dates too. You might want them on your holiday but your husband clearly doesn’t, if he’d wanted them there he’d have invited them when he booked it. Your mum should not have booked the holiday without consulting you both first, if she had your husband could have made it clear that it was a family holiday for just you and the kids.

This is her mistake, your husband has done nothing wrong.

juneau · 05/04/2019 14:58

Neither your DM nor your DH has handled this well. Your DM was crass and presumptuous to gatecrash your holiday AND book for your DSis and DB to come along as well. I'd be fucking furious if my MIL did that without asking if it would be okay. At best, she just assumed it would be alright and at worst she was being supremely manipulative by going behind your backs and then presenting you both with a fait accompli. A 'Ta da! Guess what I just booked?'. Awful, just awful.

But your DH's reaction wasn't much better and bound to cause a rift. Bottom line, she should've asked and he should've spoken to you about his anger and disappointment. They've both stuck you in the middle of this, without even discussing it. So if I were you I'd be furious with the pair of them, but TBH, I'd be crosser with my DM. She caused all this shit with her thoughtlessness. You and she need to sit down and talk and she needs to understand that she overstepped the boundaries of what is acceptable. Grieving she may be, but after six years it's time she got some therapy if she's still so devastated and stopped playing on your guilt.

Awrite · 05/04/2019 14:59

Your poor dh. You can't forgive him for your mother's cheeky fuckery?

Did your brother and sister know before you and your dh?

YABU

It's your dh who should be writing this thread. A man with in-law issues.

Cheeserton · 05/04/2019 15:01

Thurman that's a hell of an assumption. 'Pulling rank' because of his wallet. I don't suppose perhaps he could have been genuinely, mega pissed off about the family holiday being crashed without consultation?

Fundays12 · 05/04/2019 15:03

Sorry I am with your dh here as he had booked a holiday for his partner and children then suddenly other family members are coming uninvited which changes the whole dynamic.

We were due to go on holiday last year with MIL until other family members basically invited themselves with us. We couldn’t really say no but had actually booked the holiday with MIL as she is always up busy with the family members who invited themselves to spend much time with our kids or her son. The whole dynamic changed and my MIL spent most of her time with these family members which was no change to home.

Your mum should have asked or respected if she had been wanted there she would have been invited in the first place.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/04/2019 15:03

Your dh is just done exactly the same as your dm. Your dm invited herself on your holiday without asking, and your dh has changed the dates without asking. 6 of one, and half a dozen of the other imo

Tennesseewhiskey · 05/04/2019 15:04

WhoKnewBeefStew why do you think he did that?

Lucielastik · 05/04/2019 15:04

Ah well, guess I assume that us mums try to do our best for our kids, but as we know we sometimes completely get it wrong!

steff13 · 05/04/2019 15:06

It's a shame that your mom is hurt; I'm sure she's lovely and there is nothing wrong with having an extended family vacation. But she when about it the wrong way. If she wants to do an extended family vacation, you all need to plan that together.

I think YABU to be mad at your husband.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 15:06

Lucielastik mothers arent one group of people who all act the same and whose brains work the same way.

We dont all act the same way and plenty of others dont have good intentions.

MorningRichie · 05/04/2019 15:08

I agree Lucie. Her mother has been treated badly by the most important person in OPs life.

I therefore have no sympathy as its self-inflicted.

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