AIBU: Can't forgive husband

[shoeshoebadoo]

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

No martyr statements here. We enjoyed taking them. We loved them. Alien concept though that is around here.

I liked going on holiday with my mum and dad too and my kids and my (now ex) H.

It doesnt make you anymore decent or a better person than anyone else.

OP, why do I get the impression that you gone from one control freak to another, ie moved out from your mum to marrying your DH?

Your latest post suggests he makes the decisions, but really you should be involved. Its family money, not his money.

And for all her nice qualities, your mum just booked anyway. She's very involved in your life; too involved, perhaps?

Honestly, I feel sorry for your mum, OP, and can really understand where you are coming from.

I'm not understanding why so many posters are making your mum out to be some kind of psycho.

As you say, you already go on holidays just you and your DH and children only. Your mother really helps you as a family, babysitting at the drop of a hat.

Your mother should have checked with both you and DH before booking holiday, yes thats true. But your DH going off the deep end is not cool - unless he really dislikes her I guess.

Some of the posts on here are so hard-hearted its really strange.

If I were you, I'd arrange another family holiday separately with your family (without your DH) - next year perhaps? That way everyone is happy. As for your DH, well tbh i think he's behaving poorly and worse than a child, but I don't know what you can do about it.

Sounds like a massive failure in communication all around here to me.

Why is everyone making holiday arrangements without discussing them properly with you shoeshoebadoo?

All of this could have been avoided if you had been consulted properly in the first place. Your DH booked a holiday, which he seems to think he is in control of, even though it is your family holiday, simply because he earns more than you. That doesn't sound great to start with. Surely the money that comes into the family doesn't dictate who has the power?

Then without a proper chat that involved you and your DH, your Mum decides to join the holiday with your brother and sister.

Your DH then gets pissed off and because he is angry and believes that his earning capacity gives him power - he goes ahead and changes the booking of your family holiday - by the sounds of things without your agreement - just because he can.

Now everyone is upset, apart from possibly your DH.

It sounds like you and your DH need a conversation to start with about his power grab on the holiday booking front and why he thinks that he dictates what you all do. This is probably a whopper of a conversation to have, as he may be of the view that his higher earning capacity gives him the right to dictate other stuff too!

Then you need to chat with your Mum about booking something that involves you, but you didn't know about properly, so you were caught in the middle like a bunny in the headlights. Again it sounds as though your Mum thought she had some kind of 'right' to do something because she helps you a lot.

You need to tell everyone to talk to you properly and involve you in decision making and not leave you to pick up the pieces of their mess afterwards.

Well they’re both wrong, she for booking without asking, he for changing without your input.

But if you want a ‘last family holiday’ together it doesn’t have to be this one. Why not agree to go altogether for a week’s family holiday in the U.K. so it’s not too expensive.

Yeah I'm on your DH's side I'm afraid

I think everyone’s a bit in the wrong here.

Your mum shouldn’t have booked a holiday to the same place without discussing it with you and your DH first. It’s fine for her to want a big family holiday since your dad died (many years ago) but you don’t just unilaterally arrange big family holidays.

I totally get why your DH was pissed off but equally re-booking everything because he sees it as his right as the person who paid is authoritarian.

And you are being a bit unreasonable. You didn’t plan a last big family holiday. You planned a holiday with your husband and kids. And now you’re suddenly saying you’ll never be able to forgive your DH if you miss out on this ‘last big family holiday’. It’s not like he’s cancelled a lovely big family holiday you all had in the calendar for months by mutual agreement.

Your mum booked the same holiday/dates as you without telling you
Your DH changed your family holiday dates without telling you

Do both of them make decisions like this involving you without discussing with you? You need to stop them both treating you as though you are a child.

Your mum is NBU to want to go on holiday with you, but to book it without discussing with you is being very unreasonable.

Your DH is NBU to not want to go on holiday with your mum, I wouldn't be upset he changed the holiday as I think he did the right thing, but I would be livid if he did it without discussion. What did he say when you initially told him your mum your mum had booked the same holiday without telling you? Why didn't you discuss it at this point and decide if you were both happy with the idea?

No martyr statements here. We enjoyed taking them. We loved them. Alien concept though that is around here.

There's nothing to say that the OPs DH wouldn't enjoy a family holiday too...just that he isn't happy that the holiday that he booked and presumably looked forward to has been completely changed and coopted by her DM.
I'm with your DH 100% OP I'm afraid.

YAN necessarily being completely unreasonable

Hmm I think your mum, because of all she does for you has been made to believe that her presence would be welcomed on this holiday. Now she's been very firmly disabused of that notion and that must be upsetting for her.

I can certainly see your DH issue. But I think the autocratic way he dealt with it was quite bad. It sounds like he felt a bit of loss of control and a teeny bit emasculated. For that reason I think you should tread carefully, as blaming him or having a go would result in him being resentful towards you for not supporting him. However he should definately have consulted you 100%. But that is the only thing you can really have against him as your Mum started the whole chain of events.

I say stop letting your mum do so much, cause its giving her a sense of proprietorship and see it from your DH point of view.

Perhaps plan a holiday for a couple years time.

Drop the subject with DH untol well after your holiday is over and raise the subject of a big altogether holiday then and only then.

Your mother needs to get over it now. What's the big deal when she can still go on her holiday with your siblings? Don't bother discussing it again. You go on your holiday and let them go on theirs. I agree that it was not appropriate for your mother to include herself and your siblings in your holiday. She really should have consulted you and Dh beforehand. It is awkward that you are in the middle but you need to get over your annoyance with both your mother and Dh and move on from it.

What's the big deal when she can still go on her holiday with your siblings?

Oh my goodness, YES! I'd missed this bit. She's hardly going to be alone then is she? Why can't she allow OP and her DH and kids to have some alone time on a break, I wonder?

I’d be really offended that both your Mum and your DH think you are such an irrelevance that you don’t need to be included or consulted about such important decisions! Appalling!

Your dh made a great point here, he wont stand for your mothers sly ways!
As you can very well see, most posters agree with him. The only two that were wrong was your mother and you behaving awfully towards him.

She didnt tell you for a good reason- she knew she was doing something wrong.

Your mum booked the same holiday/dates as you without telling you

You reckon?

What do you mean when you say you find it easier to be angry with your dh than your dm? The feelings come more easily, or the response from the other person is easier to bear, or both, or something else?

What is your dh like about money usually? Has he said this kind of thing ('I pay so I decide') before, in other contexts?

They're both wrong, but I bet it wouldn't be the same if it was his mum!

How old are your siblings OP

All of you need to work on your communication! Totally avoidable upset your mum should have discussed with you first

OP says he isnt a CF with money. He just wanted to make a point.

Which is why I think this is the straw that broke the camels back for him

It was a little bit cheeky of your Mum in the first place. She should have asked. And it should have been discussed. I can totally understand your DH point of view. I am or would be the mother in this situation. All my children have families of there own now, partners etc. If I am not invited I do not go. I certainly wouldn't just go behind there backs and book same venue, times as to include myself. Your Mother should not have put you in this situation. I can understand how you feel also, wanting to spend quality time with your mum and the children altogether but you can do that by arranging plenty of other stuff. Doesn't have to be holidays does it.

For anyone that's quoted my first response (can't be assed going through and picking ppl out - unless there is a quicker way?...)

For some perspective if my MIL did this I'd be fucking fuming as I can't stand the bitch but then she is a narcissistic cunt who has treated me like shit until I went no contact 3 years ago. She had as equal input in her grandchildren's life as she did my DH, her son. So when relations are strained in this way, I get it you need to make a stand BUT as OP stated things are more than amicable, she does a lot for them and GC and doesn't overstep the mark.

The impression I got was that she is not overbearing and doesn't have form so in this context, yes I think her DH reacting this way was a horrible thing to do. Sometimes a conversation is all that is needed.

I also disagree that he is technically still on holiday with his MIL. She is in the same resort at the same time...I'd just be filling my time as planned and accommodating her on quieter nights/days. Mostly to look after the kids whilst DH and I got some alone time

OP is upset with DH because this is her mum not some annoying nosy neighbour.

Nosey neighbour probs a poor example, overbearing distant relative maybe

OP sounds like the only one who isn't being unreasonable to me. Your mum should have checked before booking -i suspect the reason she didn't is because she thought you'd discourage it and wanted to present it as a fair accompli. Your husband shouldn't be a dick thinking that what he says goes because he's the bigger earner.