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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 17:04

@starthegirl so sorry to hear that x

OP posts:
StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 17:04

Thanks shoe. Sorry about your dad too Flowers.

Pa1oma · 05/04/2019 17:04

“@pa1oma I’m going to tell my DH I’m very excited for our family holiday, that we should only book holidays together from now on, and tell my mum to never do anything like that again.”

Well that was a quick turn around Confused

So your just going to reinforce your DH’s obtuse behaviour? Ok then.

StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 17:05

A big family holiday has to be agreed by everyone involved, surely?

True and I think the op and her mum get that now.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 17:05

Please deal with that? How rude.

CarpeVitam · 05/04/2019 17:06

What WhereYouLeftIt said!

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 17:07

@pa1oma I’m angry at him when really I should just be considering everyone’s feelings - he is a good DH but needs to be pulled up on making financial decisions without me, it’s not on

OP posts:
multiplemum3 · 05/04/2019 17:15

I'd be ecstatic if my other half booked a holiday as a surprise. I'd be fucking livid if my mum booked the same holiday for herself and extended family. Sorry op but I'm with your husband, hope everything works out.

Pa1oma · 05/04/2019 17:16

I’m sure he is a good DH in many ways, but sometimes you just need to get over yourself. He could have just sucked this up. Or, at most, got you to speak to your mum with an excuse for changing the date. Or asked you to say something like, “We’re happy for you to join us, but I hope you can understand that we will need x days to do our own thing....”

Bagpuss5 · 05/04/2019 17:17

I can't see where it says how old DM is or how long she has been widowed but I thought that if she is babysitting and childminding for her adult DCs she isn't getting the chance to get much of a life for herself. If she is relatively young she needs to get out to form her own hobbies and interests and friends.
If you all paid her a bit then she could maybe take a friend off for a spa weekend or something.
And if you aren't paying her for all the childcare then DH needs to come up with a way to thank her for doing so much. A holiday might have been a way.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 17:17

@pa1oma that’s how I’ve been feeling which is why I made the original post but the majority on here have told me I am BU...

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 05/04/2019 17:18

@bagpuss
Widowed 6 yrs, no mention of age but I'm thinking not a wee old lady.

Cheeserton · 05/04/2019 17:18

Sorry, I think the financial thing is a total red herring. He's clearly livid about having the holiday crashed. That's the root cause of all of this.

HattieRabbit · 05/04/2019 17:18

Hmm, it’s a tough one.

I have a mother just like yours and her and DH get on very well 😊 but my mother would NEVER do that without asking a trillion times whether we minded/wanted to first.

Your DH has spent money on a nice holiday and isn’t wrong to be annoyed that plans changed without his input. Equally I get that your mum feels ‘terrible’ so you’ll be inclined to come down harshly on DH.

Your mum should have asked, it wasn’t ok for her to just book it. How your DH reacted/how you now handle that is your call xx

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 17:19

Ignore them. You and Pa1oma are both right.

Pa1oma · 05/04/2019 17:23

OP - AIBU is notoriously anti- MILs. I have posted a few times about something my DH has done and have been told he is abusuve, controlling, chauvinistic, psychotic, selfish - you name it! All from an OP describing one incident.

Nobody on here knows you. Nobody has a clue as to the dynamics of your family. You do. You know him in the context of his wider behaviour.

Read all this and take it all with a large punch of salt. MN and real life are two very different things.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 17:24

Very true. I really hope that people posting here ignore most of the advice they’re given, few marriages would survive.

Lizzie48 · 05/04/2019 17:26

Your DM reminds me of my MIL, who lost my FIL in a car accident back in 2003. She's always been very dependent emotionally on my DH and BIL since then. It can take a long time to come to terms with a traumatic loss. It sounds as if your DM would benefit from therapy, has she had any at all?

I see where your DH is coming from, as I would hate it if she booked to come away on holiday with us. (I wouldn't unilaterally change the dates without consulting my DH, though.)

My DM can be very controlling, but I couldn't even imagine her doing something as outrageous as that.

I feel for you, though, OP, you have been caught in the middle. And your DH's attitude towards you was very unkind, telling you that he had more say because he earned more money. Neither he nor your DM has behaved well in this.

Pa1oma · 05/04/2019 17:36

Nobody has perfect parents. Life doesn’t work like that.

No your DM shouldn’t really have presumed to book the holiday without discussing it with you both first. However, older people are vulnerable and, as a PP said, it must be hard to find people to go away with. She has obviously got carried away with the idea of it all and wanted something to look forward to. It was not fine out of malice - that’s the main thing.

Your DH has a right to me annoyed at this, but, as an adult and your husband, he really should have had the sense to deal with it in a way that didn’t put you in an extremely awkward position. Why upset people if you don’t need to.

My parents can be very bizarre at times, but DH respects the fact that they are still my parents above and beyond his own feelings. I couldn’t even begin to tell you about his mother, but nevertheless, she is his mother and I have to respect that. If I don’t like something she does, I speak to him about it. I wouid never just act off my own bat and cause conflict between them. It’s obvious really.

HarrySnotter · 05/04/2019 17:44

Another YABU from me I'm afraid. I imagine your DH is very grateful for all the help your mum gives you, perhaps he just wanted a break from her if she's around all the time.

RedDogsBeg · 05/04/2019 17:45

OP, I do wonder why your DM managed to speak to your siblings about this big family holiday but not you when it was your holiday she was changing the dynamics of? That's what comes across as very underhand on her part to me and which is why I think your mum was very unreasonable.

I imagine that if your husband was able to give a totally honest answer he would have a completely different perspective to you on this:

I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

and that for him a big family holiday would mean him feeling and being treated as a spare part which is why he doesn't ever want to go on one.

He can't be honest though because of the understandable trauma over the death of your father.

Finally, have you ever given yourself the chance to properly grieve your father? I get the feeling that you have put all your focus on your mother and how she feels and has been affected and not allowed yourself the time and space to grieve for what you have also lost.

Tinkety · 05/04/2019 18:01

OP, I do wonder why your DM managed to speak to your siblings about this big family holiday but not you when it was your holiday she was changing the dynamics of?

OP could you answer the question above?

You keep saying that your mother did everything with the best intentions but I don’t understand how 5 extra people were able to discuss this, sort annual leave & get themselves together to book onto your holiday without a single word being mentioned? You say you are a close family yet your 2 siblings & their partners - so 4 people - didn’t mention what was going on? Especially as they thought you knew?

HelenUrth · 05/04/2019 18:02

Great post @WhereYouLeftIt
OP I think you would do well to read up on boundaries and enmeshment.

TacoLover · 05/04/2019 18:03

Er, yes he has. He has possibly driven a wedge between his wife and her mother.

Confusedit's her mother's fault for gatecrashing their holiday and trying to show up uninvited... if she didn't do that there wouldn't be a problem.

MissBartlettsconscience · 05/04/2019 18:04

Oh op, your family arrangements sound similar to mine and it is hard.

My mum dotes on her grandchildren to the extent that she will pick them up from school and take them for tea rather than them coming back on the school bus (secondary).

We went on a whole family holiday last year for mum's big birthday with all siblings, partners grandchildren etc. Mum loved it to the extent that she booked a similar thing for this year before she checked with everyone. DH and I couldn't get the time off work so had a good reason not to go, but it is hard. We have limited annual leave and we want to spend time with the Dcs as a family - when we do the big family thing cousins are there too and we just don't spend any time with the children at all. We've said we'll do a whole family thing every 5 years and an odd weekend away for everyone up to every year, but most holiday is for our family.

Mum isn't happy but has accepted it.

It is difficult trying to keep everyone happy. I don't think your DH has behaved well in this at all, but it might be worth a serious conversation between the two of you.

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