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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:48

@floribunda I get the feeling that many MN families aren’t as close as yours and mine are!

OP posts:
Jenasaurus · 05/04/2019 16:48

I can see this from both sides. Your DM is grieving and thought it would be a nice suprise and didnt anticipate your DH reaction. Which in a way is good because it means she has a good relationship with him, in that she thougth he would be OK with it.

Your DH wants to be with his DW and DC for a family break and I am guessing the main thing here isnt that your DM booked to come along but that she disnt discuss this with you all first and just went ahead and booked it. If she had asked, your DH may well have compromised, maybe she could have gone for part of the holiday or organised a second family break later in the year.

It does come down to communication though.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:48

@juneau yep

OP posts:
Jenasaurus · 05/04/2019 16:49

My own DM used to holiday with me and my family a lot and they were some of the best holidays we had, but we invited her, she didnt spring it on us

Andromeida59 · 05/04/2019 16:49

OP, YABU. I can understand your Mum's reasoning however, she must have suspected that your DP wouldn't want them there otherwise she would have spoken to you beforehand. It does seem that she did this believing that your DP wouldn't change the dates once booked.
If my DP's family did, I'd do the same as your DP.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/04/2019 16:49

Wrong OP. My family are extremely close. But we have boundaries and I value my marriage enough not to fuck over my husband and put him at the bottom of the pecking order

But then again I guess some people don't value their marriage like me and some other posters.

cliquewhyohwhy · 05/04/2019 16:50

No shoe most people just have healthy boundaries and don't just assume it's ok to join someone's else's holiday without asking!

Pa1oma · 05/04/2019 16:50

So what are you going to do next OP?

floribunda18 · 05/04/2019 16:51

I get the feeling that many MN families aren’t as close as yours and mine are!

I get that, I really do - I've read about all the toxic MILs and so on on here over the years. But just to ASSUME they don't get on, Mum is controlling and in their face all the time is pure projection.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:52

I meant my family does loads together (I acknowledge my mum should not have done what she did and it was wrong and I should not blame my DH)

OP posts:
Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 16:53

I get the feeling that many MN families aren’t as close as yours and mine are!

Actually. You are wrong. I am close to my family. I am going out with my 2 aunties tonight.

I have been on holiday with my parents plenty since I have had kids.

I am very close to my in laws. I only have a step mil who brought dp up. I am closer to here than he is. His sister is my best friend and again, we are closer. She introduced us. She is like a sister to me. She is coming out with me and my aunties tonight.

I would still be fucked off if any of them invited themseleves and other relatives on my holiday.

floribunda18 · 05/04/2019 16:53

How is having a family holiday putting your husband at the bottom of the pecking order? You will see more of him because you are likely to have babysitters for the kids.

People are fucking batshit here. Try in Relationships next time, OP.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 16:55

How is having a family holiday putting your husband at the bottom of the pecking order?

Because he wasn't consulted?

You will see more of him because you are likely to have babysitters for the kids

Maybe he wanted to spent time with his wife AND kids?

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:55

@pa1oma I’m going to tell my DH I’m very excited for our family holiday, that we should only book holidays together from now on, and tell my mum to never do anything like that again.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 05/04/2019 16:55

IMO he sounds like a man who is at the end of his tether with his MIL’s constant presence in their lives

How could you know that?

I don’t. Anymore than any poster on here knows anything. The clue is in the words IMO and sounds like.

Both our sets of parents and my sister in law and nephew are a constant presence in our lives, and we've also been on holiday together several times- the more the merrier when there are young children to look after. It's not weird to have family holidays, and a family is not just 2 parents and 2 children, and I especially understand the desire for a lovely family holiday after a horrible bereavement.

Well good for you. If this works for you, wonderful. You need to understand thought that people are different so what you may like is not the same for everyone. Can you not see that?

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 16:56

Tbf to you and your mum though. Couldnt he agree to just one whole family holidaym just once. Since it means so much to you.

He doesnt have to pay for it, that's just ridiculous. But one holiday surely her could put up with. Just all arranged together?

Bookworm4 · 05/04/2019 16:57

A Big family holiday is where everyone who wants to go agree arrangements not your DM and you being underhand and adding everyone to your family holiday. Your DH is right to be enraged, your DM overstepped. Support your husband not your DM who seems to be outwesring her welcome; have you ever stopped to consider why your DH never wants to holiday with her?
Unless she's very elderly you don't need to coddle and consider her all the time.

StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 16:57

Good plan op 👍.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:57

@jessgalinda it’s nice you’ve been on holiday with your parents with kids - I never got that chance. And I was fucked off when my mum booked behind my back but after a while I thought how nice it might be.

OP posts:
floribunda18 · 05/04/2019 16:57

Maybe he wanted to spent time with his wife AND kids?

There will be enough time to do all of that. It doesn't require you to be glued together 24/7.

I accept her mum was wrong to do it without asking, but probably thought it was a nice surprise. My DH would think so. It's not like she butted into a couple's retreat holiday. DH was more wrong to move it without asking the OP.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:59

@jessglinda I just reread my comment to you and it sounds a bit sarcy - I meant I would have loved the chance to go away with my parents with my DC when they were both alive together

OP posts:
StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 17:00

I never got that chance. And I was fucked off when my mum booked behind my back but after a while I thought how nice it might be.

Sad

Yes, I didn’t say earlier, but the reason we never got round to our cookery course together was because my mum became ill and very suddenly died. She was only 59.

So, I get why, having lost a parent, you want to make the most of your only surviving parent and, what’s really lovely, is how interested she is in you and your family too! My dad is wonderful in many ways, but not really a ‘family holidays all together’ man 🤷‍♀️. I think maybe if my mum was still around, but not now he’s a widower.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 17:00

My dp never got the chance either his mum fucked off and left him when he was 2. In the house alone when his dad was working away. And his dad died 10 years ago. It's not really relevant and doesnt make what she did any better or your dh worse.

With all due all respect, while yes you wont get that chance. A whole family holiday now wont make that better. Your dad still wont be there. That still doesnt make it ok.

What's relevant is that your loss is still leading you to certain behaviours. Please deal with that.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 17:02

@jessglinda noted x

OP posts:
WestBerlin · 05/04/2019 17:03

I don’t see how the dh was wrong to insist on maintaining the status quo. A big family holiday has to be agreed by everyone involved, surely? I don’t understand the mindset that says ‘hey, I’ll just book onto their holiday without a word of warning’ and expects people to be okay with that. Okay some people may be fine with it and good for you if you are, but I imagine most would be thoroughly pissed off and that’s absolutely not unreasonable.