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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
WestBerlin · 05/04/2019 16:15

Why doesn’t it? If she hadn’t decided to book herself onto their holiday without any discussion and present it as a fait acompli, she wouldn’t be in the position she’s in now. Her upset has been caused by her own actions.

As a previous poster said, she crossed a boundary in a major way, the husband reasserted it. Bar the comment about the money he hasn’t been at all unreasonable.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:16

Oh god - while I’ve been on MN my DC have managed to cover my dining room with glitter and kinetic sand Shock

OP posts:
AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/04/2019 16:16

(Or are they a lot younger than you, perhaps not adults yet?)

Raspberry88 · 05/04/2019 16:16

Jess - yes they would, in these circumstances. Some things are more important than money. The DM must be devastated.

You have no idea if he could even afford to do such a thing.
OP, you sound like a really wonderful daughter. It sounds like you've been an incredible support for your DM at such a difficult time. Doing something for yourself and your immediate family doesn't change that at all. I feel a bit like this with my DM sometimes, that it's important that she should never be upset or disappointed by anything I do. When I was a child we were all expected to capitulate to DM and we should never question or disagree with her in case it upset her. I've really had to spend a long time disengaging as it has affected me in lots of ways. I agree with pp that getting some counselling could really help.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:21

@anditstillsaidfouroftwo my siblings paid for themselves and their partners - they thought it was a great idea and didn’t know I didn’t know!!! They go on holiday with my mum a lot.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 05/04/2019 16:23

He has possibly driven a wedge between his wife and her mother

Some mother-daughter relationships need a wedge driven into them. Mine did.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/04/2019 16:24

Yes, but that means your mum actually has four people to go on holiday with (who pays is irrelevant here, I think), and you said she hadn't anyone and it made you a bad daughter. Just struggling to understand why you would think that.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 16:24

they thought it was a great idea and didn’t know I didn’t know!!!

Did your Mum give them the impression you and your DH knew about this and were okay with it?

juneau · 05/04/2019 16:24

alittlesnow I think you're misunderstanding exactly how close some mothers and daughters are. My DM could tell you every single detail of my DSis's holiday plans - which cottage, which town, which dates - the lot. I'm not saying that it's a healthy dynamic, just that it's not that uncommon.

Huskylover1 · 05/04/2019 16:25

Your husband sounds like a manipulative Dickhead.

He booked a holiday without consulting you. He changed the dates, without consulting you. How fucking weird. And forget the reason "he paid for it"....it's family money surely? You're raising his children and doing the grunt work at home : that is enough of a contribution. You don't have to earn the same as him. He made babies with you, and he should be paying for his family!

Whilst I would be annoyed if my mum did this, it's extremely damaging to fly off the handle and change the dates. You should have both discussed how to handle things, and honestly if it was me, I would have sucked it up and had the holiday together. Let's face it, your Mum won't be around forever. And then next year, I'd not reveal exact dates and destinations, to ensure it didn't happen again.

Yes, what she did was wrong, but your DH has effectively given her the middle finger, despite the fact that she's elderly (I presume) and she does a lot for your family.

He sounds vile.

Happynow001 · 05/04/2019 16:26

but I feel very sorry for my mum not getting someone to go on holiday with
But she can still go with your brother and sister. That holiday is still confirmed isn't it?

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:29

@juneau I tell my mum loads and so do a lots of my friends!

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 05/04/2019 16:30

@Pa1oma
Some things are more important than money. The DM must be devastated.
She brought this on herself. This tense situation would not have happened without her uninvited actions.

Iloveacurry · 05/04/2019 16:32

I’m with your husband on this, although he seems to over reacted a bit. If you all want to go on holiday together, you should of all spoken about it.

Your DM was in the wrong on this occasion by booking the same holiday without any prior discussion.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:34

Yeah I know IBU to my poor DH is - good thing only you lot know about this and he is oblivious!

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 05/04/2019 16:36

I totally agree with Husky above.

The DH sounds extremely obtuse and it’s a most peculiar way to behave.

And yes, forget all this “his money, he paid” nonsense. I can’t even get my head around that.

He needs to man up apologise for any offence caused. He needs to book something else to make her feel wanted, because she must feel extremely rejected.

Does he have a mother? How would he feel if you had treated her in such a way?

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 16:36

I disagree that you’re being unreasonable to your husband. He’s hurt you and pissed you off and you should let him know that. How many more unilateral decisions is he going to make if you don’t?

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/04/2019 16:38

Your husband sounds like a manipulative Dickhead. He booked a holiday without consulting you. He changed the dates, without consulting you. How fucking weird. And forget the reason "he paid for it"....it's family money surely? You're raising his children and doing the grunt work at home : that is enough of a contribution. You don't have to earn the same as him. He made babies with you, and he should be paying for his family!*

You seem to be putting your own dramatic spin on this.

Yes, what she did was wrong, but your DH has effectively given her the middle finger, despite the fact that she's elderly (I presume) and she does a lot for your family.

Why do assume DM is elderly? She could easily be around mid-fifties.

He sounds vile.

Really? IMO he sounds like a man who is at the end of his tether with his MIL’s constant presence in their lives and that OP seems to put DM’s needs above everyone else’s.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:39

@alsohuman well he won’t be booking any more holidays without telling me first that’s for sure!

OP posts:
chillpizza · 05/04/2019 16:44

So you go away with just your mum, your siblings also go away regularly with your mum. It sounds like she has it pretty rosey and its not that she lonely as she sees you serval times a week.

Stop feeling bad about it she’s getting lots of holidays and time with her children/grandchildren.

floribunda18 · 05/04/2019 16:45

IMO he sounds like a man who is at the end of his tether with his MIL’s constant presence in their lives

How could you know that?

Both our sets of parents and my sister in law and nephew are a constant presence in our lives, and we've also been on holiday together several times- the more the merrier when there are young children to look after. It's not weird to have family holidays, and a family is not just 2 parents and 2 children, and I especially understand the desire for a lovely family holiday after a horrible bereavement.

CaptainJaneway62 · 05/04/2019 16:45

Totally agree with @Huskylover1

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 16:47

Er, yes he has. He has possibly driven a wedge between his wife and her mother.

How as it driven a wedge? The OP knows her mother was wrong. The mother knows she was wrong. So wheres the wedge?

And how does that equate to having to pay for a holiday for the whole family? You want to effectively fine him, because he didnt take kindly to his mil just inviting herself and others on their holiday.

SabineUndine · 05/04/2019 16:47

I'm wondering if your OH isn't actually a bit fed up with your mum being round all the time and if maybe he'd quite like to spend a bit more time just with you? Also you say that your dad died many years ago, it does feel as though your mum is being a bit manipulative. Yes, your OH should have told you he was changing the dates, but if he had, what would you have done? Would you have agreed?

juneau · 05/04/2019 16:47

Well I hope this thread has been useful to you OP, if only so you can see that being so focused on your DM and her needs all the time has clouded your judgement and come between you and your DH. It's nice that you're so close to her and that your siblings go on holiday with her. I think for a lot of older people on their own finding people to go away with is a constant problem and worry. However, you really need to put the needs of your immediate family first. I suspect your DH is resentful and fed up of your DM coming first. His actions were, IMO, petty, but possibly just a symptom of how fed up he is. But I think you understand that now. MN is pretty good at getting to the nub of thorny issues, uncomfortable though those issues can be to acknowledge.

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