Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 16:03

but I feel very sorry for my mum not getting someone to go on holiday with.

Isnt she going with 2 other people?

BrokenWing · 05/04/2019 16:03

Its sounding more and more like you want to go on holiday with your mum (and probably planned this).

If you can afford 2-4 holidays a year, surely you can go on one with your mum and without your dh just once this or next year?

You are married with children, all money should be family money. If it's not your marriage is not an equal partnership.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 16:03

but I feel very sorry for my mum not getting someone to go on holiday with

I thought she was going away with your brother and sister?

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 16:03

Oh do pipe down @extreme, it’s tedious

Then why reply to me if you don't want an answer?

Pa1oma · 05/04/2019 16:04

If so were in your shoes now, I would tell my DH to book a surprise holiday for all of you. He should ring your mum and apologise for any upset. He could say something like, “I’m so sorry, I realised I had work commitments (or whatever). However, we would live to go away - it would be great for the kids. I’ve booked xxx and we’d really love you to come. It’s on us.”

This is what any reasonable man would do in the circumstances.

StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 16:04

Could you even go away for a weekend with her on your own op? I understand why you want to be there for her.

I kept planning (and never got round to arranging) to go on a little weekend cookery course with my mum.

Would she be up for something like that, which means she gets some of your time but doesn’t mean she’s encroaching on your dh’s space?

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:05

@extremehydration she is but I want to be a good daughter too x

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 05/04/2019 16:06

But I do think she did it with the best intentions.

Yes, but with the best intentions for who? Herself apparently.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 16:06

I would tell my DH to book a surprise holiday for all of you. He should ring your mum and apologise for any upset. He could say something like, “I’m so sorry, I realised I had work commitments (or whatever). However, we would live to go away - it would be great for the kids. I’ve booked xxx and we’d really love you to come. It’s on us.”

Any reasonable man would book and pay for a holiday for 5 adults plus kids, because his mother in law invited herself on their holiday?

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 16:07

she is but I want to be a good daughter too

But you sound like a wonderful daughter! I wonder why you think not doing everything someone wants means you are not "good"? Are you a people-pleaser, do you think? You mentioned guilty feelings earlier. Do you feel guilty if you enjoy yourself without your Mum?

Pa1oma · 05/04/2019 16:07

Jess - yes they would, in these circumstances. Some things are more important than money. The DM must be devastated.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 16:07

she is but I want to be a good daughter too x

It's actually starting to sound like you are miffed she will be away with your siblings.

You said she didnt have anyone to go with. When she does and now saying that, that's what would make you a good daughter.

Going on holiday doesnt define the type of daughter you are

You need some counselling or support op

Lazydaisies · 05/04/2019 16:08

To be honest from what you describe your Mums behaviour sounds very off. She should not have booked the holiday without clearing it with your family and when it turned out that it was not okay she should have taken that on the chin. Instead she is acting like a wounded victim and trying to passive aggressively and manipulatively get her own way.

I don't like your DH unilaterally changing the holiday either but your mother started all of this inappropriate behaviour.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 16:09

Jess - yes they would, in these circumstances. Some things are more important than money. The DM must be devastated.

She is devastated because of her own actions. Why would the siblings get a free holiday too?

No, no reasonable person would book a holiday for all of them. He has nothing to apologise for

DistanceCall · 05/04/2019 16:09

Your mother really, really crossed the line. And your husband set the boundary back in place - without telling you because he's probably aware that you would be guilted into accepted your mother's pushiness (which your mother relied on).

I don't see your husband as controlling you through money - it's more that he had planned this holiday with his wife and children, and was looking forward to it, and your mother comes and barges in - with your brother and sister in tow!

I am very sorry about your father's traumatic death. But it's been six years. If you mother is still reeling with grief, she should seek help from a counsellor or therapist. Not make her children and grandchildren her whole life.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:10

@starthegirl yeah I’ve done loads of stuff like that with my mum - I think she just wanted to do something where all her family were in the same place. She knows now though that was a BIG mistake

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 16:10

OP, you are a good daughter. That’s why you’re so heart sick now. I would be too.

WestBerlin · 05/04/2019 16:10

If she’s devastated it’s her own fault. It is not normal or reasonable to book yourself onto someone else’s holiday.

Ginnymweasley · 05/04/2019 16:11

I've never been on holiday with my parents since I left home but my sister has I don't think that means I'm not a good daughter just that I don't want to go on holiday with them.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 16:11

I think she just wanted to do something where all her family were in the same place. She knows now though that was a BIG mistake

Not necessarily a mistake to want that, just that it should have been discussed openly amongst everyone who would be involved in the holiday first.

Pa1oma · 05/04/2019 16:11

“He has nothing to apologise for.”

Confused

Er, yes he has. He has possibly driven a wedge between his wife and her mother.

OP, does he always behave with such a lack of emotional intelligence? Or is this a one -off?

GreatDuckCookery · 05/04/2019 16:12

If she’s devastated it’s her own fault

Wtf. That doesn’t even make sense.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 16:13

He has possibly driven a wedge between his wife and her mother

Couldn't the same me said of Mum driving a wedge between OP and her DH? Especially since her DH is the one who will not be forgiven and the one OP admits is easier to be angry at.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/04/2019 16:15

What is your mother's relationship with your siblings like? How involved is she in their lives? Is it perhaps the case that you are the 'golden child', as they say on here? So that in your mind (and hers), your siblings don't really 'count' as holiday company (hence your comments about her having nobody to go with and wanting to be a good daughter)?

StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 16:15

@starthegirl yeah I’ve done loads of stuff like that with my mum - I think she just wanted to do something where all her family were in the same place. She knows now though that was a BIG mistake

Ah well. I’d keep doing what you’re doing op. You are being a good daughter and it was a bit of a mistake to try and stealth arrange a holiday with everyone, but at least she knows it.

Fwiw, I once went on a big family holiday with in-laws and people were barely speaking by the end of it and avoid each other to this day 😬.

She may not even like it if she ever gets her wish!