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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
extremehydration · 05/04/2019 15:46

He just likes it being us which I do get

How much time do you get just "being us" outside of trips?

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 15:48

We go on 2-4 family holidays a year when it’s just us and every weekend too

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 05/04/2019 15:48

I love my MIL and get on OK with my BIL and SIL (DH's siblings) and have been known to go on family breaks together. But if they all secretly booked to come on "our" big holiday we have planned for this summer, then announced it as a fait accompli, I would be cancelling it quicker than that.

downcasteyes · 05/04/2019 15:49

Your DM needs to learn some boundaries. You never, ever book a holiday with other people without asking them. It crosses the line to such a huge extent, it's difficult to believe that her boundaries are 'right' in other places.

If you want to have a big family holiday, the right way to go about it is to bring it up with your DH in an open and honest way and to have a grown-up conversation about it. It's bang out of line to try to manipulate another adult by saying 'Oh, it's a fait accompli so you have to go along with it'.

Equally, though, he should have raised the changing of the date with you and discussed this openly rather than making a unilateral decision. Whatever bad is yours in this situation, he has equalled it there.

It just sounds like everyone needs to communicate more openly and honestly.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 15:51

My husband was happy to holiday with his Pils because he liked - no, loved - them. His are dead and he liked having mine in his life. He said to me once, when I thanked him for all he did for them (a lot) “I loved them and if I hadn’t had your back with them, you’d have, quite rightly, shown me the door”.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 15:52

I think as your dads death was so traumatic. You might benefit from counselling. You are clearly struggling.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 15:53

@downcasteyes
It just sounds like everyone needs to communicate more openly and honestly.

You’re totally right - it’s just one big fat mess and after reading all of this it’s so difficult to know how to feel!!!!! I’ve cried, I have anxiety and needed wine all in the last half an hour x

OP posts:
AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/04/2019 15:53

So you don't spend any time with your mother at weekends?

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/04/2019 15:54

(I feel a bit bad that this has turned into the Spanish Inquisition, but I think people sense there's a lot going on here and want to help you recognise it too)

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 15:55

“I loved them and if I hadn’t had your back with them, you’d have, quite rightly, shown me the door”

If my husband threw me out because I wouldn't let his mother run my life, then I would think good riddance!

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 15:55

@jessgalinda you’re probably right...

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 15:57

They didn’t run our lives, quite the reverse sigh

Pa1oma · 05/04/2019 15:57

OP I feel really sorry for you here and I think MN needs to give you a break.

Your DH is being extremely U here because surely, anyone with an ounce of sense, would see that changing the dates like that is going to put you in a very difficult position.

In that situation, my mum wouid probably never speak to me again. I totally understand where you’re coming from.

If he wanted you to just go as a family, he should have discussed it with you, like an adult. Then you could have worked out how to proceed - together. Maybe you could have made up something that meant you had to change the dates - work commitments or some wedding, etc. Yes, it’s a lie, but, rightly or wrongly, these thinks need to be dealt with sensitively.

I wouid be really upset if my DH put me in this position. Older people sometimes do bizarre things, but there is no benefit in upsetting them. Especially as the emotional strain and guilt is in you.

Also, why is he booking a holiday out if “his money?” Are you married or not?

Yes you mother acted rashly, but he has been spectacularly inconsiderate.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 15:57

it’s so difficult to know how to feel!!!!! I’ve cried, I have anxiety and needed wine all in the last half an hour

This is obviously very emotional for you OP. You say you don't know how to feel. Perhaps you've spent too much of your life try to appease everyone that you never get space to think about how YOU feel and what YOU want. You can work through all of this given time, OP, and be stronger as a result. Flowers

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 15:57

@anditstillsaidfouroftwo only when we go out for family meals with my siblings, so like once every couple of months - but she babysits A lot when we’re both working so I usually see her then.

OP posts:
StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 15:58

understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

Sad

As much as I understand his frustration at his holiday plans being scuppered, I’m actually with you op. In these circumstances, I’d have sucked it up this once OR had a grown up chat with her instead of just changing the dates.

What do you mean “can’t forgive” though? What are you planning to do about it?

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 15:59

They didn’t run our lives, quite the reverse sigh

Then your scenario has no relevance here.

downcasteyes · 05/04/2019 15:59

shoes - Try not to see it as a mess. It's really not that bad. It sounds like there's loads of love in your family, just that it's coming out all wrong due to miscommunication. See it as a chance to reset things and to improve channels that have maybe become a bit scrambled with the grief you must all be suffering. One thing that seems to have emerged is that you've discovered that you would actually like this big family holiday - so why not talk about organising that, even if it's just a long weekend away somewhere?

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 16:00

Yes it does. OP’s mum isn’t running their lives, her husband is. Unilaterally.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/04/2019 16:00

Ah, so you (both?) come home from work and she's there, possibly staying into the evening, that sort of thing? I'd find that hard, tbh.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 16:01

Yes it does. OP’s mum isn’t running their lives, her husband is. Unilaterally

OP and her husband and DC were going on a holiday just for them. That is, until OP's mum decided she would turn it into the big family holiday SHE'D always wanted and invited another three people along!. Unilaterally!!

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:01

@starthegirl I may have changed my mind about the forgiving now ha ha... but I feel very sorry for my mum not getting someone to go on holiday with. I guess I hope that if I was in the same situation in the future (though I would not do what my mum did!) my DC would want to take me on a holiday.

OP posts:
Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 16:02

alsohuman we get it. Your husband loved your parents and you wouldn't be woth anyone who didnt.

But that's not the case for everyone. Neither to do most people expect their partners to love their parents.

I have a step mil only. I like her more dp does. Dp wouldn't show me the door if I didnt though. Our relationship doesnt hinge on what we think of eachothers family.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 16:02

@anditstillsaidfouroftwo no I get home earlier than DH and she goes home when he gets home

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 16:02

Oh do pipe down @extreme, it’s tedious.