AIBU: Can't forgive husband

[shoeshoebadoo]

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

When MIL is being a pain, often the response on here is "you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem" and I think that's what's happening here with your DH and Mother. She behaved badly, you acknowledge that but instead of dealing with it, you let it slide. So now he's responding in a very high handed way. You say that you don't really know how to manage this but really, it's quite simple. You should have told your mum her behaviour wasn't okay up front. Suggested that if she was keen for a family holiday a general discussion would be needed but that you'd reopen to it. And supported your DH. Instead, he's gone off the deep end and has behaved badly too. But I am still broadly with him on this even after your updates.

Her mother has been treated badly by the most important person in OPs life

From the opening post, it looks very much like the Mum is the most important person in OP's life. Certainly not her husband who will never be forgiven, apparently...

It’s quite difficult reading that people think my mum is a manipulative CF! When in fact she isn’t - she made a very bad decision booking to go to the same place as us - I told my mum when and where we were going because I was excited. I did go ape shit at her when I found out what she’d done! But I do think she did it with the best intentions. My DH just refuses to go on any family holiday with my mum and always has but I’ve never told her that because it would hurt her feelings.

How weird; I don’t know mumsnet at all...so many of you are actually more angry than the OP ..is that the norm on here?

I like both my FIL and MIL. They do, however, do my head in when we've holidayed down where they both live (they're separated) by expecting us to spend every waking hours with them, go to the restaurants/pubs they individually like. Until FIL had a stroke last summer, we were planning to spend two romantic nights in an amazing apartment before letting them know we were in the area, just so we had 48 hours of just the two of us, no expectations, no calls that certain relatives have come along specially - and, quite frankly, a chance to laze around, drink gin on the balcony every night and probably have drunken sex.

As it was, we hadn't even got into the apartment when DP got the call, so all that was seen of the beautiful, romantic getaway was the hallway as we hurled our bags in there and headed to the hospital and the bed last thing at night before crashing out, getting up first thing to be back at the hospital.

I'm the sole wage earner at present. I work my fucking arse off and if, by some miracle, I managed to afford an amazing holiday somewhere else for myself and DP, only to find that one of them decided to book the same location, assuming that a guilt trip would work on DP and then on me, I'd take the hit and be seen as The Bad Guy because there's no way on earth I'm having my hard work and earnings spent precisely on a holiday that is Just Us being overruled.

And had it been the mother of one of my exes (plus sister, plus her Utter Cock of a Boyfriend, etc), I wouldn't have just rebooked the holiday, I'd have cancelled the entire fucking thing and we wouldn't be having a holiday at all.

I did want to know a bit more about a couple of the things OP said (she's not terribly forthcoming with answers to questions) but overall, I think there is a dynamic here whereby her mother has generated a sense of guilt and expectation in her daughter, who is conditioned to respond accordingly and is angry with her dh because he isn't making her life easier by going along with it. The 'enabler' is often very angry with the 'rebel' in these sorts of dynamics because they struggle to cope with the response of the 'manipulator'.

The language in the OP is very biased - the dh 'kicked off', the mother didn't, she was 'gutted and cried'. And now the dh is the one in the wrong, at risk of never being forgiven.

Why does your dh refuse to go on holiday with your mother?
How much do you see of her during a typical week? When?

so many of you are actually more angry than the OP ..is that the norm on here?
No ones angry.

They are debating the issues.

OP, you clearly admitted tou are blinkered to her behaviour.

If you went apeshit, why didnt she change her holiday? Why was she crying once she found out he changed yours? But not when you went 'apeshit'?

So the OP must have given her mother very specific details about the trip for her to have booked the EXACT trip, hotel, dates, and flights etc... So yeah I think the OP planned it.

I don't think we can assume this. Some people do talk about their holidays in detail with close family members and if was a package, x no of nights, with a certain provider it wouldn't be that hard to figure out what it was. If it was a bespoke trip with everything booked independently, I agree with you, but if the OP's DH booked a BA holidays (for example) trip to South Africa visiting x, y and z and leaving on 9th July from Manchester, it's hardly rocket science to book the same thing.

My DH just refuses to go on any family holiday with my mum and always has but I’ve never told her that because it would hurt her feelings.

Why? It's perfectly OK for him to not want to go on holiday with other people outside of his immediate family. Why do you infantilise her so much?

Nut your mum was the one at fault. I don't understand why you cant forgive your dh when it was your mum that caused the situation. If your dh doesn't want a big family holiday that is his choice and you obviously knew that he wouldn't. His response was heavy handed but the way you are sticking up for your mum does make it seem like in regards to your family they can do no wrong.

Sorry for more questions, but this jumped out at me - it's hard for you to read your mum is a manipulative CF, but not hard for you to read that your dh is arrogant and controlling (which has come from a few posts)? Is that because you agree with those posters?

My DH just refuses to go on any family holiday with my mum and always has

Then either he really values his holidays (god forbid that anyone does that!), or he isn't quite so enamoured of your family as you think he is (and clearly want him to be). I think your DM is well aware of this too and that's why she didn't ask about this holiday - or broach the subject of a future holiday with you - she just went ahead and thought 'Well if I present this as a done deal they'll HAVE to go along with it and I'll get what I've always wanted'. Your DM was in the wrong. You need to accept that OP.

she made a very bad decision booking to go to the same place as us. But I do think she did it with the best intentions

Can your Mum explain why she went about this in such an underhand way?

It is also hard to read that my DH is controlling with many but he isn’t - he just booked this holiday without telling me and then changed the dates without telling me because he’d booked and paid for it. I know now I’m being unreasonable and let mine and my mums grief control decisions and emotions and I shouldn’t let it.

At the end of the day at least my mum has got a holiday with the rest of my family and I am excited about our family holiday too. I have let my husband know this but underneath I have been feeling of being gutted underneath - I have clearly been told by MN that IABU ha ha and totally get it.

*I know now I’m being unreasonable and let mine and my mums grief control decisions and emotions and I shouldn’t let it8

Maybe you need help with boundaries and assertiveness OP?

Sorry, OP, but he is controlling with money. If you’d paid half this holiday he wouldn’t have dared change the dates without asking you.

No one invites themselves on a holiday with the ‘best intentions’. She did it behind your back and presented it as a done deal. It is manipulative.

Your DH isn’t wrong to not want big family holidays. A lot of people don’t want to holiday with their in-laws or even their own parents. It sounds like your mother is very involved in your day to day life and he’s expected to just put up with it, which he has done. However, on this occasion he’s out his foot down. I don’t blame him.

I should probably not have turned to MN for something that needed a much deeper understanding of the situation we have been through hell and back with my Dad dying and making sure my mum was ok was my priority but it’s time to let her go and get on with her own life.

I think MN is getting below the surface of the issue, OP. There is a LOT more going on here than just this holiday debacle.

I have no doubt it was hell for your family with what happened to your Dad and it's natural to worry about your mum. There are maybe better ways to help her going forward now though without putting your marriage under such a strain.

It’s a tough one for you OP because you obviously love your mum very much and even though she was wrong to book this holiday she does sound like she is lovely in many other ways.

Does she know that DH would never want to go on holiday with her? What’s the reason?

But how long does your DH have to put up with your mother muscling in?my family had a horrific loss that resulted in a 4 year court case. It tore us apart. But it didn't give anyone grief top trumps.
What counselling has your mum looked into? This is clearly your DH reaching his limit with her. Do you want to look after your marriage or your mother?

He just likes it being us which I do get. Like many people have pointed out on this discussion who wants them MiL going on holiday with them...?

@shoeshoebadoo

It’s quite difficult reading that people think my mum is a manipulative CF! When in fact she isn’t - she made a very bad decision booking to go to the same place as us - I told my mum when and where we were going because I was excited. I did go ape shit at her when I found out what she’d done! But I do think she did it with the best intentions. My DH just refuses to go on any family holiday with my mum and always has but I’ve never told her that because it would hurt her feelings.

How did your mother know all the information, to enable her to book the exact trip, flights, hotel, same week etc...?

I agree with previous posters saying you had a hand in planning it, and were counting on your mother wanting to come, so you conveniently told her all the details. She must have had all the info, or she would not have been able to book the trip. You are acting like she just booked herself (and your siblings) onto the trip without your knowledge.

@juneau

Some people do talk about their holidays in detail with close family members and if was a package, x no of nights, with a certain provider it wouldn't be that hard to figure out what it was. If it was a bespoke trip with everything booked independently, I agree with you, but if the OP's DH booked a BA holidays (for example) trip to South Africa visiting x, y and z and leaving on 9th July from Manchester, it's hardly rocket science to book the same thing.

So what? It's still quite remarkable that someone would accidentally/conveniently book themselves onto the exact same trip, as someone else, to the exact same hotel, on the exact same week as someone else. It could only happen if it was done deliberately, and if ALL the details were given.

As the OP's husband booked it all, I find it quite amazing that the OP's mother knew everything about the trip, and booked herself (and the OP's siblings) on the same week, and hotel and everything. Too much of a coincidence... The OP clearly told her mother everything, and I suspect (as some other posters do,) that the OP planned it.

@Alsohuman

Sorry, OP, but he is controlling with money. If you’d paid half this holiday he wouldn’t have dared change the dates without asking you.

Agree with this too. The OP said as much in her opening post, but has backpedalled.

@Contraceptionismyfriend

But how long does your DH have to put up with your mother muscling in? My family had a horrific loss that resulted in a 4 year court case. It tore us apart. But it didn't give anyone grief top trumps.

Agree with this also. ^