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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:

mcmooberry · 05/04/2019 13:37

I think the only time this would be vaguely acceptable is if the invitees lived close enough to the venue/church so they could go home between the ceremony and the evening do and it was more, you are invited to the evening do but feel free to come and watch the ceremony.

LillianGish · 05/04/2019 13:40

I'm sure you could skip the ceremony and just turn up in the evening. Believe it or not, some people actually enjoy the ceremony - that is the marriage bit when all's said and done. When I got married lots of ladies from work turned up at the church because they wanted to see me in my frock - I couldn't have afforded to invite them all to the wedding and they didn't expect or even want to come. They just wanted to be there for the ceremony and to throw confetti in the churchyard in the sunshine. People have all sorts of constraints when organising their wedding - numbers are invariably more limited for the sit down bit than in the evening when there's no seating plan. I've never been to an evening do where there is no buffet so it is wrong to assume you won't be fed. At the end of the day it is entirely up to you as the guest - they'd obviously like you there or why invite you, but you are under no obligation to go. Nor are you under any obligation to buy a gift - or just scale down the gift accordingly.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 05/04/2019 13:40

Hugely rude. I would decline the entire dog fight.

ilikemethewayiam · 05/04/2019 13:45

I just assumed when I got an evening invite that I was only expected to turn up in the evening not both! I’ve never attended the ceremony in that case.

Overtheborder · 05/04/2019 13:50

Just out of interest OP - what was the wording on the invitation?

womandear · 05/04/2019 13:51

I've had this from a work colleague - they were churchy so that bit was the most important apparently. Some of us were invited to church, lunch and evening, some just to church and evening - but as we didn't compare invites we didn't realise till after the ceremony. It was a village in the middle of nowhere, we got a trains then 30 mins cabs just to get there to find even the pub was shut between 12 and 5! We literally sat on a bench on the village green for 4 and a half hours before going, STARVING!, ( the pub opened at 5 but didn't do food) to the evening do where we got hammered because crisps and peanuts aren't a meal.
It's bizarre INHO. Have people just at an evening party by all means, but do not have them come to something in the morning them have to bugger off most of the day...

womandear · 05/04/2019 13:51

Oh, I would skip the ceremony if I were you and go to the evening.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/04/2019 13:54

We had that, we went out for a meal with a couple of friends, and visited my mum who lived nearby. We went back for our alloted time, and the A list guests still haven't finished and we were standing around looking awkward. It was 1.5 hours waiting until the A guests had finished, very rude.

anxiousbean · 05/04/2019 13:57

I would just go to the ceremony and then do something nice with your husband. Or alternatively return the dress and just go to the evening do. I do think an invitation like this is a bit rude if you know your guests are travelling as the guests' comfort are not taken into consideration.

I don't mind evening invites at all (particularly if local) - but for our wedding I knew that most people had to travel so we invited everyone to everything. We went for a cheaper buffet and wine from a French hypermarket so we could accommodate everyone. An evening invite with a "please feel free to attend the ceremony" is less bad as you are not assuming that your guests are happy to hang around for several hours and spend money on food and drink etc.

WellGoshDarnIt · 05/04/2019 14:00

We once got an invitation to a church ceremony - just the ceremony. No wedding breakfast and no evening do. I resisted the temptation to point out that anyone can attend a church wedding anyway, and we went along and pasted on a smile. We then left with the other rejects and spent the afternoon in a local pub - much more fun. The cheeky buggers had the audacity to include the gift list in with our invitation - don't think so!! They received a 99p card.

somuchinfo · 05/04/2019 14:00

Defo money saving! I guess they can only afford to feed so many ppl. At my wedding the only ppl invited to the ceremony were the ppl I would then feed. Everyone else got invited to evening. Only close friends and family to ceremony. Never heard of inviting to ceremony no meal then eve. I would guess either go just to ceremony then go home. Or skip ceremony and just attend eve!

womandear · 05/04/2019 14:02

My mum went to one of these, work friend's do, where half of the were colleagues invited to all day and half to part day but no-one realised as the invites weren't clear at all. She and 4 colleagues essentially gate crashed the wedding meal and the groom's face was a picture apparently. They couldn't work out why he was so flustered till they sat down randomly dotted around the tables with name places that weren't their own name and it became apparent that they hadn't been expected and were being slotted in to some no-shows places...

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/04/2019 14:02

Actually, an invitation to the church service isn’t really within the gift of the bride and groom as marriage services are public events that anyone can attend.

Having said that, I wouldn’t be getting all gussied up for the church and then buggering off to try to fill several hours before my presence was deemed acceptable again. Why people insist on fancy weddings that they can’t afford is beyond me.

FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 05/04/2019 14:02

It's rude I think. Keep the babysitter and go out for the day with DH and skip the whole thing. they won't even know if you came.

JemSynergy · 05/04/2019 14:03

My ex best friend invited me to her wedding but when I got the invite I discovered I'd only been invited to the evening party ! Her numbers were limited and I got cut from the list! She decided to invite some work colleagues instead. I didn't attend it all in the end.

somuchinfo · 05/04/2019 14:06

Just read what you wrote about just being seat fillers, defo just go to evening! Just wear your nice dress to that. I know you wouldn't have brought the dress had you known. But just make the best out of a bad situation and go to the eve. At least you won't have five hours to kill in the middle.

ErrmWTAF · 05/04/2019 14:42

Sakura and Parka - it's called a breakfast because, up until (I think) the early 20th Century, it was illegal to have a wedding after 12 noon. There was a Sherlock Holmes story that referenced this, when he was (in his hobo disguise) roped in by a couple who were desperate for a witness in the next XX minutes before noon.

We were once invited to a "shit sandwich" wedding, and opted for ceremony only, as it was more to our limited budget than the evening do, which would have involved hotel room and taxi to/from the reception venue. Which was, indeed, a hotel. Just not a big enough one for the Z-list friends to stay at, apparently.

SilverySurfer · 05/04/2019 14:44

It's obvious they want a champagne wedding at cheap beer prices and it's tacky and mean. Wear your new frock and go out for the day with your DH.

PlatypusPie · 05/04/2019 14:49

I am surprised at the ‘ it’s quite normal ‘ responses as I have never heard of a top and tail invitation like that. Every day is a learning day. I have only experienced : a) Full - Wedding , then reception, then evening OR b) just an evening invite. The latter seems to be for inviting work colleagues or wider friends for the more informal element.

I think there has been such a change in the structure of weddings in the U.K. - when I was young, it was not as usual to have an evening do as well - weddings took place as often in the morning, so the wedding breakfast was a lunch ( elaborate or simple) plus speeches then the couple changed into going away outfits and went on honeymoon. All done and dusted by late afternoon.

Factors like the licensing of venues for the ceremony other than just church and registry office;different social mores Iike it no longer being expected ( or keeping up the fiction that) that the couple were going away to spend their first night together; people getting married later and it no longer being necessarily the brides parents who paid and made the decisions; the growth of specialised venues - all of these have contributed to a change over time.

My DD1 got married last year and had only full invitations- the maximum that could be seated for the civil ceremony ( at the venue) handily matched the number that could be seated at tables for the meal.There was a separate dance area and more people could have been accommodated but, looking back on it, it would have spoiled the flow and dynamics of the day to have a whole load of other people arriving.

I have just received an evening invitation to a friend’s DDs wedding - I was absolutely charmed to get it, very unexpected and have accepted with pleasure. I would have been very surprised to have a full invitation but would have to thought it very odd and rude to be invited to be at wedding ceremony, disappear, then return.

Sitdownstandup · 05/04/2019 15:08

Tbf only a minority of replies have said its normal. General tone of the thread is that it isnt the done thing or only in very limited circumstances. I think you're in tune with the prevailing societal mood.

justmyview · 05/04/2019 15:14

There’s a big difference between saying you are invited to an evening ceremony and by the way if you would like to come to wedding ceremony you are welcome, but no pressure and sorry can’t invite you to meal...and as in OPs case invite where you are expressly invited to parts of the day

I agree with this from @BlueBerryFool123

Original poster

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 15:16

For those asking for the wording on the invitation,

Bride and grooms Wedding (at time)
At (ceremony venue)

Followed by a reception at
(Reception venue).

So you can see how we got confused. No mention of it being an evening reception and no time specified. The ushers are going to have their work cut out trying to do the bride and grooms dirty work telling people to fuck off for 5 hours.

OP posts:

AceOfSpades123 · 05/04/2019 15:23

How strange. I’ve never heard of that either. I think they are going to have a lot of disappointed/confused guests!!

BringMeTea · 05/04/2019 15:25

Yes our 'shit sandwich' (love that) wedding invitation was similarly worded. So glad we travelled 7,000 miles for it. Can you tell I'm still bitter? . Do not go!!

StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 15:28

What? That wording is really unclear. There are going to be people turning up to the reception and being turned away! Yikes.

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