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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 05/04/2019 12:59

There is only limted space if the bride and groom choose a venue with limited space.

FancyForgetting · 05/04/2019 13:00

What strikes me is that the arrangements weren’t initially clear to the OP, or to other posters who’ve had similar invitations.

My toes are still curling 30+ years later when I remember being a bridesmaid at a wedding with similar arrangements and seeing all the guests strolling through the town from the church to the reception venue, where some of them were greeted by the groom requesting that they leave and come back much later for the evening reception!

Amongstthetallgrass · 05/04/2019 13:01

Yes I think this is common.

Some times you cannot afford to pay for every one.

Just go to the night do and have a lovely day out

BlueMerchant · 05/04/2019 13:03

How rude and thoughtless.
I'd not go to any of it.
What do they expect you do- sit it out in Weatherspoons in your glad-rags?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/04/2019 13:03

My understanding is this:

Invitation to the wedding is the whole thing. If you decline, you are still obliged to send a card and decent gift just as you would be if you attended.

Invitation to the ceremony? Pointless, it's open to the public if they want to attend (correct me if I'm wrong)

Invitation to the evening 'do'? Attend or don't attend RSVP if required. No gift or card required unless you particularly want to do that.

In your scenario OP. I would decline. I would rather have a night out somewhere else. It's not local to you so in your shoes I wouldn't be travelling to the evening do. I'd send a card wishing them well (no cash) and leave it at that.

I don't understand how some couples think that inviting to a ceremony and evening do is anything other than wrong. For me it just is and you don't do it. Invite the number that you can afford to have at your wedding and invite them to the whole thing.

Evening only guests are fine - but don't be disingenuous and pretend that they're important to your wedding, they're just not.

stucknoue · 05/04/2019 13:03

It's normal but so horrible. I don't mind for local work friend situations but for those that you need to travel to it's quite rude

TrickyKid · 05/04/2019 13:04

Anyone can attend the wedding so basically you're invited to the evening do. I'd either just go and watch them get married or go to the evening do, not both as I couldn't be bothered to hang around for 5 hours.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/04/2019 13:05

Letsnotusemyname and FancyForgetting both your stories are appalling. Utterly crass of the couple and just bad form. How awful for the people involved.

OneDayillSleep · 05/04/2019 13:06

I don’t mind being an evening guest, if you are at the wedding all day you tend to get a little bored and tired by mid afternoon (even at a good wedding of people you like). Inviting people to the ceremony and then evening do isn’t on though. As you’ve realised it’s to fill the wedding ceremony without going to the expense.

Personally if I was you I’d use the day to do something nice with your husband and then just attend the evening. It won’t be much fun sat in a pub with an orange juice for 5 hours watching other people get slowly sozzled. If it’s a long drive to the reception I’d decline the invite all together. We have a rule that we will only travel 1 hour at the vv max for an evening invite and even then we have to really like the couple.

Hollowvictory · 05/04/2019 13:06

It's onky church ceremonies that are open to all. If you get married in a civil venue any old random cannot attend

Angeladelight · 05/04/2019 13:09

Never heard of a wedding breakfast. It’s very short sighted on their part to expect you to turn up for ceremony and then piss off for a few hours to come back? I don’t think there is much you can do at short notice though.

Myl0w · 05/04/2019 13:11

I know someone who did this and it wasn’t made clear on the invite. So lots of people were turned away for the reception. They didn’t come back 😳

Jellycat1 · 05/04/2019 13:13

I agree with everyone that says it's rude. It's awful to be a second tier guest. I know it's widespread and seen as normal practice - and members of my family did it - but I couldn't have got my head around it at all.

LittleChristmasMouse · 05/04/2019 13:14

Why does anyone need to be invited to the church? If it's a Church of England service anyone can go in, even just a random passer by so no need to provide an invitation.

BrokenWing · 05/04/2019 13:16

I've been invited as a reception only guest before, mainly for extended family (we have a huge family) that I don't see much and as long as it is local and at a reasonable time I have no problem with this. It is great to catch up without the hassle of a full day, expense of a bigger gift, and dressing up just to eat shite mass catering wedding food (doesn't matter if it is somewhere posh its still mass catering).

If the reception invite was local I'd maybe ask the couple if it was ok to pop along to the ceremony to see them arrive, hear them say their vows (weddings in churches are usually open to all). I would go in smart casual clothes and sit up the back.

Invites to reception only should be clear it is reception only. You just don't invite friends/family to the ceremony only on a formal invite. Extremely rude.

pineapplebryanbrown · 05/04/2019 13:17

My sister invited everyone to everything for her wedding. One elderly lady said she only wanted to see the ceremony and declined everything else (beforehand). I thought it was good that she was assertive and didn't struggle through bits that didn't interest her.

bluechameleon · 05/04/2019 13:25

I once got an invite like this - I was invited to the whole thing but DH (then fiance) was invited to the ceremony and evening. We didn't go because I thought it was indicative of how important I was to them.

Sitdownstandup · 05/04/2019 13:26

True that church weddings are public so anyone can come regardless, but if you're taking that approach then nobody needs inviting to it at all!

sar302 · 05/04/2019 13:26

If it's a good enough friend, and not too far away and the sitter's already booked, I'd have a lovely day out with DH, a nice dinner somewhere and then head off to the evening do for a party and a load of free booze

I wouldn't go and sit in a random town for 5hrs inbetween bits however - unless you're confident that there's something there you'll love to do, otherwise it's just a waste of a child free day!

DarklyDreamingDexter · 05/04/2019 13:29

I've heard of this happening before (mainly on MN where people clearly go to far more weddings than I do) but I've never known anyone cheeky enough to do it personally. How they can have the front to invite people to a wedding then expect them to kill 5 hours while the more important guests get fed amazes me. Evening only invites I totally understand, but not this weird halfway house arrangement. I echo others suggestions to have a nice day out with your partner and just go to the evening do. (And scale back the present accordingly.)

Hazlenutpie · 05/04/2019 13:33

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

Perfectly normal? Not in my world it isn't.

Drum2018 · 05/04/2019 13:34

Invitation to the wedding is the whole thing. If you decline, you are still obliged to send a card and decent gift just as you would be if you attended

In no way are you 'obliged' to send a card and gift if you don't attend. That is ridiculous.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 13:34

In all honesty I’d be pleased. The thing I hate about evening invitations is not seeing the ceremony - which is the whole point of the day. This way you duck the boredom of endless photos and the tedium of the rambling speeches and get the good bits. In the interim you have a long lazy lunch and down a bottle of fizz on your own. Win/win.

soundsystem · 05/04/2019 13:36

It's how it's worded, though.

If it's an evening invite with a note that you'd be more than welcome at the church if you wish/are local then I think that's perfectly fine.

But it's not it's: come to ceremony them piss of until the evening whee we have our meal. It's rude.

(We've recently been invited to similar and have declined. If it was local or somewhere I'd otherwise want to be then maybe, but I'm not spending money on travel and a babysitter to get dolled up and sit on a pub in a nondescript town I have no interest in visiting! )

yikesanotherbooboo · 05/04/2019 13:36

This is really an evening invite clumsily worded. Assuming it's a church wedding you don't really need an invite to attend and they are perhaps saying that if you wish to go you can but that you are really invited to the evening party.Obvs if it isn't a public church wedding there is no hiding how rude it is.
I have only been at one event with different guests in the evening and it was mainly local work colleagues who came to that ie not close friends and definitely not family members.If I had such an invite I might go to the evening party if I liked the couple and it didn't involve me spending a lot of money on an outfit or hotel stay.
Whenever I read these threads where the 'happy couple' seem to have forgotten the guests comfort I feel infuriated and a little depressed.