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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 15:31

And as a pp already suggested; I’d also go to the ceremony and then sack off the reception. Go somewhere lovely with your dh instead. You could the money you might have spent on a nice gift - give a less nice one 😈.

Or yes, return the dress, send a nice card and use the money to have a lovely day with your dh. Life’s too short to be sitting around some strange town, feeling like the B team guests 👎🏻.

Aquilla · 05/04/2019 15:37

Don't go to the ceremony bit - it's just a polite thing to ask and treat it like an evening party. There'll be a 'second supper' later on.

StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 15:40

I love wedding ceremonies though and am totally over it by the time the evening guests show up and day guests are already a bit pissed. Evening dos are the worst bit I think. But I might be weird.

LaurieMarlow · 05/04/2019 15:40

Just go to the evening do. No big deal.

Fiveredbricks · 05/04/2019 15:48

Decline AP. I'd think someone was a total cheeky fucker if they did this.

LucyAutumn · 05/04/2019 15:53

That's crap. I would just leave after the ceremony, it's the most important part anyway.

Mitzimaybe · 05/04/2019 15:54

With that wording "reception" I would definitely think I was invited for the full day.

PuppyMonkey · 05/04/2019 15:57

Ha ha. There are going to be loads of people who misunderstand if that’s what they put on all the invites - they’ll all turn up for the wedding breakfast en masse.Grin

Maybe you could all team up and go somewhere better together?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/04/2019 16:05

It is in my world, Drum2018. If you're invited to the wedding (and in my day it was all or not at all), this is what is/was expected. Reasoning behind it is that you have been deemed an important guest and you're therefore close enough to give a gift anyway.

I know things have moved on and it's all far more lax than it was then (for some) but clear communication and expectations of what is best to do are never out of fashion.

yikesanotherbooboo · 05/04/2019 16:10

Ha!
It's very hard to spin anything positive from that invitation.
It's just plain rude. Go to the evening do if you wish to Orr have a lovely day out with DH.
This to me comes in the same category as B&G expecting guests to subsidise their weddings by paying over the odds for rooms, guests being asked for money to pay for a honeymoon and bridesmaids having to be out of pocket for the honour of supporting the bride.
Where did all this come from?

BackforGood · 05/04/2019 16:19

I was going to say YABU to have assumed, and booked a babysitter without reading the invitation properly but from the recent update, it seems the B&G are at fault for not being clear on the invitation.

It is not unreasonable to invite people to the evening do, and let them know they are very welcome to join you for the ceremony if they wish to - if it is at all practical, then I like to go to the ceremony, because, for me, that is what the day is all about, however IME, evening guests tend to be people who are local - your colleagues or team mates from a sport you do or something, as IME many people get married where they live.
Or, if it is that far away that you are staying overnight, then you have a room anyway. When my dc were little, the idea of 4 or 5 hours to just sleep in a quiet hotel room would have been heavenly Grin

The issue here - if you have copied it exactly - is that th B&G haven't been clear on the invitations.

EL8888 · 05/04/2019 16:21

@Hanab yeah l can see why you say that

It’s rude, odd and thoughtless. What are you meant to do in between. Besides die of hunger obviously! I would not be happy to receive that invite and would probably decline

EleanorLavish · 05/04/2019 16:25

I thought that was normal wording for an invite?
You are invited to the wedding of X and Y, at whatever church.
Followed by a reception at Wedding Venue.
Isn't that the norm?
Why do you think there is a gap of 5 hours?

Nixen · 05/04/2019 16:29

Incredibly tacky. People should stop having weddings they can’t afford

80sMum · 05/04/2019 16:35

Frankly, inviting guests who have to travel long distances for the evening only is already pretty rude.

I'm inclined to agree. DH and I were invited to the evening part of a wedding last year. The invitation said to arrive at 7.00pm. The venue is a 3-hour drive away from where we live, so we booked a hotel. We had a snack lunch in the motorway services and arrived to check in at the hotel at about 4.30pm. We then both obviously needed to shower and get ready. About 30 minutes before we were due to leave the hotel to go to the venue, I got a text from a friend, who was at the wedding for the whole day, warning me that there was going to be no food served for the evening do, so we should eat before we arrive! There was no time to get anything from the hotel. DH dashed to the petrol station down the road and got a couple of manky sandwiches, which we ate in the car on the way!

As it turned out, there was some very basic food offered, bread and cheese, but all the other guests who were already there from the reception took most of it.

It wasn't a very pleasant experience all in all. The hotel, albeit cheap, was over £100 for the night and I had to take 2 days off work because the wedding was in the middle of the week.

I think some couples just don't stop to think of the practicalities for their guests! For us, it was a big expense and upheaval which, with hindsight, was not worth the effort.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/04/2019 16:36

Go and have a lovely day out with DH, then head to the evening do.

StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 16:38

I thought that was normal wording for an invite?
You are invited to the wedding of X and Y, at whatever church.
Followed by a reception at Wedding Venue.
Isn't that the norm?
Why do you think there is a gap of 5 hours?

They haven’t stated any start time for the “reception” on the invitation, that’s why it is unclear that there will be a wait if 5 hours.

Just “followed by reception at [venue]” implies you go straight from the church to the reception. Unless it says “reception at 7pm at [venue]”.

Assuming the op hasn’t omitted the times.

Original poster
jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 16:40

We have had it confirmed to us that we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast and that the reception that we are invited to starts at 7.30.

OP posts:
RainbowWaffles · 05/04/2019 16:41

I wouldn’t mind if the bride or groom spoke to me personally in advance along the lines of ‘we would love you to come but have a tight budget so are keeping the wedding breakfast just close family and having a big evening reception. You are more than welcome at the ceremony if you want to come but I understand that might be a bit weird if you aren’t invited to the inbetween bit’. I totally appreciate that weddings are ridiculously expensive these days so wouldn’t be offended by that arrangement.

But if the meal involved 100 other guests just not me, I would be a bit annoyed unless it was a colleague from work or equally as distant relationship. It’s clearly letting you know you just aren’t that important. I would also be annoyed to just receive a vague invitation in the post, it’s a bit rude.

So ultimately it depends on the circumstances and how if is handled by the couple. The way you describe is odd and I would raise it with the couple if I was that bothered or just decline if not.

PuppyMonkey · 05/04/2019 16:43

OP, is that because you asked someone about it? Or did you get further info? or what?

Original poster
jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 16:44

Another couple we know asked outright and were told the deal and let us know.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 05/04/2019 16:45

Incredibly tacky. People should stop having weddings they can’t afford

Invites to just the evening reception are perfectly normal where I’m from.

I agree this has been worded strangely, but the concept is fine in my eyes.

StarTheGirl · 05/04/2019 16:45

Yes op, but the fact you needed to go and ask for confirmation only proves how unclear it was in the first place!

If it said

“Please come to Matilda and Harry’s wedding at St Paul’s Cathedral at 1pm and then for dancing and drinks at The Ritz at 7.30pm”

You’d have known.

But it seems to have said:

“Please join us for Matilda and Harry’s wedding at St Paul’s cathedral at 1pm, followed by a reception at The Ritz, London”

Totally different!

They’re going to have a lot of confused or cross people on the day!

Raindancer411 · 05/04/2019 16:46

How close are you to the bride and groom? Personally I think it's off. We invited all from the ceremony to the meal. It's unfair to expect people to just wait around and not provide food.

Have a nice child free day our where you want with the hubby

cees · 05/04/2019 16:46

I wouldn't go, weddings are expensive enough to get prepared for but then to not be fed, good luck to that shite. I wouldn't waste my time hanging around like a tool waiting for all the guests (who made the cut)to be finished eating. Save money and don't bother or keep the babysitter and you and dh have a date day out instead.