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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/04/2019 12:22

That is rude I think it's ok to have evening only guests, but to expect you to just bigger off and find back for five hours is ridiculous. Go to the ceremony leave and don't go back, have a lovely day with your partner instead

Rainbunny · 05/04/2019 12:26

I'm amazed that there are posters who think this is completely fine, I've never heard if anyone doing this and I think it's rude tbh. I would probably just go to the ceremony and then go off and have a lovely long fancy lunch with my DH at a posh restaurant and make a day of it, I wouldn't bother with the evening reception.

McHelenz · 05/04/2019 12:27

We were invited to a wedding like this. It was one of the best weddings I'd been to! Went to the ceremony, then we went into town - Spoons for lunch, little bar crawl, then to the venue!

Celebelly · 05/04/2019 12:27

I've never heard of ceremony + evening invite before. In my experience it's always ceremony/whole day or just evening.

If there's plenty of space in the marriage venue, then they could have worded it like:

'Blah and blah request your company to celebrate their wedding on the evening of X.

You are also welcome to attend the ceremony at blah blah, which is from 12-1. If you do wish to attend, there are several nice cafes, restaurants, a big fuck off castle, in the area to explore during the rest of your afternoon before the evening reception.'

McHelenz · 05/04/2019 12:28

Also - as a church wedding, anyone can go to the ceremony really which is the case with the one we went to.

ScreamingValenta · 05/04/2019 12:30

I think it's called breakfast as it's their first meal as a married couple.

It's called a breakfast because marriage is a sacrament (in the Catholic church) and at one time people would have been expected to fast beforehand - so after the sacrament has been performed, they are free to break their fast.

BloodyDisgrace · 05/04/2019 12:32

Consider yourself lucky. Weddings are hideously boring affairs. Even eating food at someone else's expense (unless these are the charmers who want you to pay for your breakfast) is not worth enduring such a gathering. Just go to the evening part if you must.

Original poster
jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 12:35

Just to clarify, I actually have nothing against being invited to just an evening do. We had evening guests at our wedding and I'm happy to be one. I've bought a lovely new dress for the occasion (which I wouldn't have done if just en evening guest) and am pregnant so can't even go and sit in a pub and get pissed.
Will speak to DH tonight and see what he wants to do.
The ceremony is taking place somewhere incredibly fancy so they're clearly just using us as seat fillers as the place is huge.

OP posts:
Tavannach · 05/04/2019 12:37

Check with your babysitter first - they might be glad not to have to do the whole day for whatever reason.
I'm quite happy with an evening only invitation, don't think it's at all rude. I understand that it's expensive to lay on a meal for everyone and I'm please that the bride and groom want me to be part of their celebration anyway. BUT I wouldn't really want to spend 5 hours hanging around. So if the town doesn't have anything interesting to do I'd skip the ceremony and make the most of a childfree day somewhere I wanted to go and just go to the evening reception.
Have fun.

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 12:40

It's a ploy to get the numbers up at the ceremony and then get more cash in as gifts.

Fuck that.

Fuck paying to travel, then a couple of meals on top of that, then drinks, then handing over a wodge of cash because the couple think they're so special you'll just be so honoured to shell out.

We've got a few invitations like this. Not normal. We're in our late 40s and mid-50s and this is definitely a new trend.

Just decline.

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 12:45

Oh, you're pregnant, too? So much for all the boozy lunch ideas. Honestly, return the dress. Decline. Enjoy doing something else. I'll wager you London to a brick their invitation also included some cheeky request for cash as a gift, too? You're just being used.

notharryssally · 05/04/2019 12:46

Don't go to either part but as you have the babysitter, go do something fun just the two of you. Cheeky buggers.

OhTheRoses · 05/04/2019 12:49

YANBU. It's just plain rude. We were invited to similar and declined.

Drum2018 · 05/04/2019 12:50

Are you booked in anywhere for the night. If so check in and have a bit of fun together after a relaxed lunch. You could have a nap afterwards and set your alarm to get up an hour before the evening party.

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 12:51

Yes, since you have a sitter, go have a nice meal somewhere, it'll be better than evening do fare.

FrozenMargarita17 · 05/04/2019 12:52

That's bizarre! I understand being invited to whole day or evening but missing the middle bit out?!

DIZZYTIGGER87 · 05/04/2019 12:54

I had it happen once...a school friends wedding, she added a plus 1 2 weeks before the wedding, and actually very glad DH (then DP) came as we went to resistry office hung around while photos were taken, then we're told "see you at the hall at 7" by the bride. Had DH not been with me I would have had a 5 hour gap on my own in a strange city.

I would not attend one again.

xsquared · 05/04/2019 12:55

These type of wedding invitations are common practice. Close friends and family for the main reception and everybody else for the evening buffet.

Geekster1963 · 05/04/2019 12:55

My DH's cousin did this with us. We did go as it was family but it was a bit of a pain. They are divorced now.

FoggyDay58 · 05/04/2019 12:55

Is the couple very religious? My cousin is an evangelist and I was invited to the ceremony and then evening reception - they really value people being at the ceremony, more than non-religious couples in my experience.

Unfortunately the two pubs in the town we were stuck in for five hours didn't serve food between 2 and 7 (the time we were there) so we arrived at the evening reception a little worse for wear...

underneaththeash · 05/04/2019 12:56

We've had two like that, the first the bride called me up and explained that they couldn't afford to invite everyone to the breakfast (they only had 40 and both had 2 siblings), but she'd love us to come in the evening and to the ceremony as well. DH and I went for a really nice lunch nearby.

The other one, was similar to you. I'd accepted, thinking I'd been invited to the whole thing and then spoke to a joint friend who filled me in!

I did email her to explain I'd been mistaken and as I was heavily pregnant at the time, I couldn't really manage walking around for several hours and was likely to be in bed at 9 anyway. She was a bit off with me, but I subsequently found out that another 2 couples had also declined once they found out the real deal....

Ohyesiam · 05/04/2019 12:57

I hope the invitation also said no presents please.
It’s really rude.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/04/2019 12:57

I think the problem is you didn’t read the invite properly when it arrived. I’m assuming it didn’t arrive just this week?

Geekster1963 · 05/04/2019 12:58

Sometimes there are limited numbers for the wedding breakfast, we had to bring our wedding forwards by six months and had to change venues and there was less space. Once we had our families and close friends it was full. I really would have liked some of my friends from work to come buy we couldn't fit them in. They surprised us by coming to the church and it was lovely to see them.

Letsnotusemyname · 05/04/2019 12:59

Happened to my Mum, 85.

We’d taken her to the wedding right out in the country in time for the actual Church bit. Big do, huge marquee in the garden.

Left here there. She doesn’t do mobiles. ’just for emergencies dear’ We’d arranged to pick her up before the disco started. About 8.

I went back and couldn’t find her. Everyone sitting in the marquee in their allocated places - no mother. Not in a seat, not on the list. Slight panic.

After a quarter of an hour I found her, sitting in the brides’s parent’s house, in the kitchen with another couple of other 80+ year old lost souls. They’d got her some food and she was happy chatting

She’s happy to think it was all planned that way. We think she was invited to the service, initial buffet/glass of wine and then expected to piss off.

I reread the invite and it really wasn’t clear at all. The invite implied you were there for the whole lot.

A bit rude and inconsiderate. Especially considering it’s location, that she’s a widow (+invited by herself) and they knew she doesn’t drive any more.

We don’t talk about it so as not to upset her but I wasn’t impressed.