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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Emelene · 05/04/2019 10:51

This has happened to me twice! It's not great for the guests and the reason we invited everyone to our whole day.

SherlockSays · 05/04/2019 10:51

How do you even write that on an invite?!

I wouldn't go.. use the babysitter to have a day out doing something you want to instead.

Pinotjo · 05/04/2019 10:51

We only attend weddings if invited to the whole day, never accept evening invites only, not good enough for the whole day, we won't attend. Never heard of being invited to the ceremony and evening but not the wedding breakfast, don't go, use the babysitter and the money you would spend on the wedding and treat yourselves to a day out

glitterbiscuits · 05/04/2019 10:51

I've never heard of this. I find it rude.
Either all day or evening only.

MirandaWest · 05/04/2019 10:52

I’ve had at least two invitations like this for weddings and both about 20 years ago. If you live nearby it is OK as you can go home after the service I suppose which one of these was. The other one was a distance away but there were others in the same situation that we knew and so we had lunch with them.

I don’t like it - both times I’ve got married people have been invited to everything.

YouBumder · 05/04/2019 10:52

we had over 700 guests invited

Are you Meghan Markle? Shock

In all seriousness why would you invite so many more people than there were places in the church?

I don’t think either mine or husband’s entire families combined would know 700 people far less have them on the wedding invite list Grin

Monestasi · 05/04/2019 10:53

I wouldn't attend a wedding like this - invited to bits of it, like a tiered system.

Spend the gift money on day out and babysitter.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/04/2019 10:53

This happened to me a few years ago. As I hadn't heard of this practice before I didn't realise the implications. So basically you invite people to the ceremony and the evening bit but not the bit in the middle, ie food/drinks, etc, as presumably that costs the money. I was horrified when I realised. My then husband and I ended up going to a restaurant round the corner while the wedding dinner went on without us. Never again! If this happened again I would probably decline on principle - bloody cheek!

LittleOwl153 · 05/04/2019 10:53

I dont think this is that unusual - as others have said you are evening guests but invited to (fill) the church. I do think they should have made this clear on the invite though so that you could make the choice one way or the other - especially as you are not local.

NWQM · 05/04/2019 10:54

Are you part of a group of friends? One of my friends did this. She was very apologetic but our group of Uni friends was (and still is) quite large so add partners and it was lots extra for the meal bit. We had a fab day going to an old haunt for lunch. We all totally understood.

I had a small wedding - niche venue - and only invited a few. We had a separate reception and all came. I still sort of regret it though when I look back and think I had family there who don't bother much and not friends that do but hey ho.

It will be money driven but depends for me a little on the rest of the wedding. The friend I mention above had borrowed her wedding dressed, family had suitable cars etc. She was genuinely on a budget and had a lovely wedding. If she'd have hired a Katie Price carriage and had a designer wedding dress might have felt differently.

vinegarqueen · 05/04/2019 10:55

Pretty normal these days, but I do think it is quite rude, and a bit weird you have people arriving to the evening do fresh when everyone else is halfway through the party and a bit tired and drunk. Some of the best weddings I have been to were where the bride and groom had scaled down their expectations and had a buffet instead of a 60-quid-per-head goats cheese starter, dry chicken, and panna cotta (always the menu, yes?) so everyone can just hang out and have a good time.

Piapiapianopianopiano · 05/04/2019 10:56

How is it worded? I've never heard of being invited to ceremony and evening, I thought it was all day or evening only.

YouBumder · 05/04/2019 10:56

+We only attend weddings if invited to the whole day, never accept evening invites only, not good enough for the whole day, we won't attend*

But surely you must know that you’re not in everyone’s close family and friends? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with an evening invite, so long as you know you’re not part of the inner sanctum of close friends and family and hence not going to be offended. Tbh I find the only most enjoyable bit of a wedding the evening anyway.

Babuchak · 05/04/2019 10:57

Evening only invitations are rude as it is, but this takes the biscuit!

I would decline the whole thing, and spend the day with the money saved on a nice outing with my husband.

If you feel you must attend, personally I would just go to the ceremony and that's it. It makes a point, and I would go an enjoy a nice diner with my hubby somewhere on the way home. It would save me money from the gift too, a card will be enough.

Numptysod · 05/04/2019 10:57

Enjoy the free time child free, there be free stuff to do.

Date day.

Babuchak · 05/04/2019 10:58

I don't mind NOT being invited to a wedding, unless it's my own kids, I can't see the issue. Being on the B-List is just odd, it's not offensive, but I consider they won't miss me if I decline the evening invitation, so everybody is happy.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/04/2019 10:59

@YouBumder - big families, lots of friends, cultural expectations.

People get married in their parish church, yes? seeing as that isnt going to extend, you're kind of bolloxed really.

The invitation to the ceremony is like an extension of the banns. The invitaion should read something like

Mary and Fred are getting married at XYZ, you are invited to the evening frollicks at ABC at 7pm.

Or

You are invited to the wedding of Mary and Fred at Blah Church, Speeches at blah blah and frolicks from 7.30

Its all in the wording - option A isnt actually inviting you to the church, its just telling you when it is. You're only actually invited to the shindig

Applesbananaspears · 05/04/2019 11:00

We only attend weddings if invited to the whole day, never accept evening invites only, not good enough for the whole day, we won't attend.

same here. I have only ever been invited to one wedding with an evening do. Evening invitations are not common here, you either invite someone to the whole thing, or you don't invite them at all.

julensaor · 05/04/2019 11:00

What @ellenborough said, that are using you to fill the church or wherever up, so it looks like they are a massively popular couple, can't be bothered to feed you and then using you again to make numbers up on the dance floor. Quite crass.

NewAccount270219 · 05/04/2019 11:00

Enjoy the free time child free, there be free stuff to do.

I know lots of towns where you would really, really struggle to find something fun to do for five hours at all, let alone for free. I agree with OP that hanging around (in wedding clothes, too) in the meantime will be quite miserable

SilverySurfer · 05/04/2019 11:01

It's not perfectly normal at all. There is nothing wrong with an evening invitation but to expect you to go to the ceremony then piss off and twiddle your thumbs for five hours until the evening is really bad form. I would decline and as you already have a babysitter booked, find something fun for you and DH to do on that day.

PS it's an invitation (noun) not an invite (verb)

EEELA · 05/04/2019 11:02

We were invited to a wedding like this last year. We loved it!! We were invited to the ceremony as they knew we are religious and thought we'd want to come (we did!). Ceremony was at midday, we went for a coffee immediately after, found a new spot for a nice long lunch after a bit of a walk around, then went to the pub for a couple, then found the evening venue and had a drink in the hotel bar before joining the party at 7pm. Was fab. Didn't have to spend hours waiting for food making small talk with strangers either.

DarlingNikita · 05/04/2019 11:03

Is it a nice/interesting town? I'd probably go, and spend the time in between exploring. Make a nice day of it. Surely there'll be something more interesting to do than just go to a pub.

RosaWaiting · 05/04/2019 11:03

it is very rude of them, hate this, did it once, never again.

there's another option if you don't want to let the babysitter down. Just use the day of babysitting to go and do something you both want to do.

if you really feel you have to show your faces - though given the circumstances, I wouldn't worry about that! - then go to one or the other and enjoy the rest of the day. Hanging around in wedding clothes for hours is horrible. It's bad enough at the wedding in fact! But having done it to kill time before the reception - so dull and awkward.

bigKiteFlying · 05/04/2019 11:04

One of the first weddings I went to had this - except I didn't realise and DH, then long term DP , had been invited to the lot. That was awkward though they’ve subsequently done this that suggest this was a deliberate snub.

I’d have a look at the area – if there are places to head to look around or have a meal at think about doing that and enjoying the day.

If it’s in the middle of nowhere I’d rethink. DH went to one like this, I stayed home with the kids as no childcare – he went and there was literally nothing to do anywhere the guests could easily get to – they ended up hanging around the hotel for hours just waiting.

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