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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
StarTheGirl · 06/04/2019 15:13

I think the real problem with the invitation in the op, is how unclear it is.

I also have never received an invitation for just the ceremony and evening do, but if I did I would probably take it to mean come to whichever one you want, both if you want to, but it isn’t THAT important if you don’t come to one or the other, or at all.

It’s a lot more casual when you’re invited to the evening do I think.

But the invitation the op received looks a lot like she’s invited to the whole day, so she’s bought a dress and booked a babysitter for the whole day. Now she finds out she’s not invited for most of it? That is seriously rude.

I wouldn’t go to an evening do where I had to travel either, but at least if she’d had all the relevant information she could have made her decision to decline.

Ineedaweeinpeace · 06/04/2019 15:16

Find a nice restaurant and go for dinner/lunch together if you can. And if you can afford. If you can’t can you find somewhere beautiful to take a picnic?

It is cheap but might as well make a positive situation out of it x

StarTheGirl · 06/04/2019 15:16

Yeah not normal in my world either.

I have heard of it only on mumsnet. I believe people when they say they’ve been to a wedding like this btw, it just astonished me that people actually do this.

I’ve also never been asked for a cash gift iirc. I’ve given some but never been asked.

Oh hang on actually, my sil did ask for cash as she lives overseas and got married here. I didn’t think too much of it, but having been on MN for years before her wedding, I did immediately think “oh someone’s going to be pissed off at that”.

StarTheGirl · 06/04/2019 15:16

*astonishes

LaurieMarlow · 06/04/2019 15:23

I agree that communication in this instance has been misleading.

I’ve never actually seen an invitation that invites to both the ceremony and the evening do. I’ve only ever come across whole day or evening only. Both of which are absolutely fine in my book, if evening only guests are local.

If you’re not invited to the whole day, I don’t think you should be expected to come to the ceremony. It is a pita to hang around all day in your glad rags.

It’s fine if presented as ‘if you’d like to, we’d love to have you’. But it shouldn’t be an expectation.

LaurieMarlow · 06/04/2019 15:29

I’ve also never been asked for a cash gift iirc. I’ve given some but never been asked.

I’ve never been asked either, but usually give it anyway as I’m in Ireland and everyone here sees it as the sensible thing to do.

I have been asked (very politely) to contribute to a honeymoon fund (UK/US wedding) which I was delighted to do as I knew they’d really enjoy it.

SauvignonBlanche · 06/04/2019 15:36

That’s a very badly-worded invitation.

OhTheRoses · 06/04/2019 15:46

We got one from a cousin of dh's. Her family had been invited to every other family member's wedding reception.

It was literally an invitation to the ceremony (church in Belgravia where MIL was married) then said due to funds only those most important to them were invited to the reception but we could go to the evwning party at a bowling alley.

MIL had lost her husband the summer before, having not invited her son and dil to the wedding no effort whatsoever was made to look after her, book her a hotel with family etc.

The worst manners I have ever encountered. It was disgraceful.

GarthFunkel · 06/04/2019 16:10

We went to a wedding where the B&G wanted a small ceremony and large reception and thought they'd got it worked out: small registry office ceremony followed by meal with immediate family/close friends, then massive party with a buffet and a band in a barn and everyone else. Sounds perfect - except the meal took forever and when the party started they weren't there Hmm Great way for everyone else to feel second best as they waited for the top tier of friends and family to rock up.

Pinkprincess1978 · 06/04/2019 16:21

This is really weird and rude. I've attended many weddings over the last 20 years and never come across this.

For my the ceremony was the most important part and I wanted everyone to have the chance to come to that. However we couldn't afford a sit down meal for everyone so instead we married at 4pm and went right on to a buffet at 7.30 (reception was 30 min drive from church). It worked well and so many commentated what a wonderful wedding it was.

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/04/2019 16:25

A work colleague was married a couple of years ago and she was planning to ask evening guests to the church service on their invitation. I very firmly discouraged her. 😄. She took my advice.

StarTheGirl · 06/04/2019 16:31

I really like that idea pinkprincess.

I always think how different our wedding would be if we had it now. Totally different, although we also have lovely memories from the day. Hindsight and all that. Oh well. I won’t rush to divorce dh, just so we can get married again Grin! Or will I...Wink.

I think all brides and grooms should read some of these mumsnet threads before they make any big wedding plans.

I wonder how many people with small weddings regret it vs how many who had the traditional, ‘big white wedding’...

I wish I could go back in time and uninvite about three quarters of the guest list from ours. Not because I don’t like them, I just barely know them anymore and really didn’t know them that well then 🤷‍♀️.

Rafflesway · 06/04/2019 17:14

Just going back to discussion regarding evening invitations being fine if not long distance and you ensure guests are well fed. (Completely agree for work colleagues etc.)

However, the last couple of evening invitations we have received, the food provided has been only one small bacon roll or similar. When did this replace the good, old fashioned buffet/bbq? [Confused]

Also, pp's suggesting OP has a long boozy lunch with DH to pass the time, they can't even do this if they are driving. Doesn't sound as if they have childcare overnight.

Personally, i would swerve this wedding if it is purely ceremony then evening reception. Trying to fill 5-6 hours, dressed in wedding outfits, sounds like hell.😡 It's not like they are going to cause expensive losses to B & G if they are only invited to the evening anyway.

LillianGish · 06/04/2019 17:54

It’s amazing what offence people can cause with their wedding arrangements. Huffing and puffing that if the bride and groom can’t afford to invite them to the whole day with a sit down meal then they shouldn’t bother - this thread hasn’t even touched on who should and should not be included on the invitation (a whole raft of people who think small children should be banished versus those who think they should absolutely be included). Weddings are not a one size fits all affair (how tedious would that be), everyone tries to arrange a day that suits them and fits their budget - if the arrangements don’t suit you as a guest you are not obliged to accept the invitation. Just don’t go. No need to slag off everyone who has not arranged things to suit your preference. There are some people who are happy to just be invited along in the evening, but don’t want to miss the ceremony, some who would be happy to just go to the ceremony and give the rest a miss (I’ve done that before now), some who are happy to duck a 12 hour marathon of celebrations and just pop in for drinks in the evening, others who would prefer a quick afternoon tea and everything wrapped up by 4.30pm in time for the football results. My view is that if you love the people who are getting married you’ll be happy to fit in with whatever they arrange, if not they won’t really miss you if you turn them down. In the OP’s case I would suggest that if you don’t want to hang around all day then you just go along in the evening.

Betty777 · 06/04/2019 17:55

I have to say that i find the whole concept of 'evening guests' weird and rude. I understand that weddings are expensive, but if you cant afford to invite those you care about then DONT, or downside your plans to a smaller low key wedding

I never heard of this before I came the UK. And i've only ever been invited to one wedding as an evening guest (work colleague) TBH I WAS offended that I didn't make the cut to being a 'proper' guest. I felt like i'd turned up to a party where the main event had happened and everyone was already too tipsy to appreciate the effort we had gone to to travel there (2 hours after work on a weekday, working the next day too)

How have weddings got so out of control that people feel they have to invite everyone they've ever met? I'm super sociable, but ours had 60ish ppl. That's it

MadameAnchou · 06/04/2019 17:57

Also, pp's suggesting OP has a long boozy lunch with DH to pass the time, they can't even do this if they are driving. Doesn't sound as if they have childcare overnight.

And the OP is pregnant.

Sugarformyhoney · 06/04/2019 18:00

Really rude and thoughtless
Swerve the wedding, spend gift and evening drinks money on doing whatever you feel like with your husband.

Dizzybet74 · 06/04/2019 18:00

I did this - for me it was most important that everyone who wanted to could come to the ceremony. I think usual evening guests miss out on that and as there was space in the church, why not invite everyone. They then all went off, had a nice lunch together and came along later.

user1487194234 · 06/04/2019 18:07

When I was in my first job I received an invitation that must have been like this but I didn’t realise Was from a fellow trainee at work,professional firm
She had also asked the 3 partners Her Dad was a client of the firm (tha was how she got the job-whole other story)
Went to the church all fine,boss said he would run me to reception All of is looking at the table plan My name not on it Boss has invitation out ,I realise mine is different Yes I am not invited to wedding breakfast only ceremony and evening reception Mortiffied Took everything I had to go to reception
Had never come across this (then or since)
They were loaded too 😄

Cockadoodledooo · 06/04/2019 18:14

Another couple we know asked outright and were told the deal and let us know.

Anyone waiting for the thread from the other side of this tomorrow? "We expected our good friends to join us for the meal after our wedding ceremony, as they were invited to do so, but instead find they fucked off to the pub for 5 hours - AIBU to be hacked off?" 😂

cuppycakey · 06/04/2019 18:17

YANBU

I just wouldn't go.

FelixTitling · 06/04/2019 18:25

I wouldn't get too het up over this. Watch the wedding, go and have a nice meal and drinks in town (or make the most of hotel facilities), then go and enjoy the eve do.

Jonas14 · 06/04/2019 18:31

This happened to us. We were told only close family to breakfast and we assumed all our friends would be in the pub for the afternoon too. Turned out most people were at the breakfast and all our friends were made to feel awkward. Furious as we’d came a very long way, booked accommodation for a couple of nights. My husband said when we got married several years before that everyone had to be invited to whole thing or nothing. Now I know why and totally agree with this.

MillyMollyMandie · 06/04/2019 18:31

Op, I wouldn’t go. Not because I’d be in the huff or anything like it. I just couldn’t be bothered with an evening do. I’d rather be at home.

Folf · 06/04/2019 18:36

There is nothing wrong or Rude about evening only invitations.

In my family, the wedding/wedding breakfast is for family, the evening do is the one you invite your friends to so you can party properly.

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