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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ietthemeatcake · 06/04/2019 08:30

We had an even tighter one a couple of years back - work colleague of my DH just invited us to the ceremony, no wedding breakfast, no evening do, not even for a piece of cake after.

Needless to say we made our excuses, not getting dressed up etc just for the ceremony. We'd never even met his DP. Felt obligated to buy a gift though 🙄

Lweji · 06/04/2019 08:30

Yes, lower budgets should mean less people or a less expensive party.
Not doing away with guests for part of the time.

Imagine inviting someone for dinner and sending them off to the garden diring the main course because you can't afford it.
Or having a party with tables with better food for the good guests and just nibbles for the other guests.
HmmConfused

Friedspamfritters · 06/04/2019 08:34

I've had that before, it was actually OK as there was a group of us and we just went out for a nice curry. It was awkward when we returned to the wedding as the speeches has over run so we had to linger around outside waiting. Definitely felt like second class friends.

MrsCollinssettled · 06/04/2019 08:47

Only been invited to one shit sandwich wedding. Received an envelope with an invitation that clearly said evening reception, gift list and a map that had details of the church on one side and reception venue (different town) on the other. The evening guests all assumed that the map was done to save money on printing and just turned up at the evening reception. B&G kept evening guests waiting for an hour then bollocked us all for spoiling the wedding ceremony by not attending. No one was local but apparently we were supposed to have found something else to do in our glad rags in between. It soured many of their friendships and the marriage only lasted 2 years.

OhTheRoses · 06/04/2019 09:04

I don't understand why they don't ust invite to the evening reception or have one modest party afterwards for all their family and friends. Doesn't have to be a swanky venue. Function room in a pub, hog roast, church hall. Far more gracious thsn having a false swanky wedding you can't really afford.

Ihatehashtags · 06/04/2019 09:16

Very rude. It’s like saying “sorry you’re on the B list” . I wouldn’t go.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 06/04/2019 09:37

Absolutely no way would I go.

Kisskiss · 06/04/2019 09:50

I actually don’t know any other country where not feeding (and sometimes not watering ) your wedding guests is normal. all whilst still expecting them to travel a great distance AND bring you cash or a gift and/or pay for an inflated price for a hotel room to subsidise your wedding venue rental..
This one is a new Low though, “come to our ceremony, please b*gger off after but come back 6h later for drinks ( which you will pay for yourselves),thanks. PS this is our gift list”

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/04/2019 09:59

It’s the ‘big hat, no knickers’ syndrome isn’t it? So many weddings these days seem to be all about the big, showy event while cutting corners, instead of having a smaller, tasteful wedding that is actually affordable. It’s appallingly bad manners to completely ignore your guest’s comfort just so the photos look good. I wouldn’t bother to go tbh. And I’d probably let the B&G know why too.

notangelinajolie · 06/04/2019 10:01

I wouldn't do it. But it's definitely a thing.

Royal weddings are like that. Church guests/wedding breakfast guests/evening reception guests. Even the Queen doesn't get invited to all three.

sorry unhelpful

YouBumder · 06/04/2019 10:05

I don’t remember evening dos even being a thing in the 80s

I was only a child then but I definitely remember my parents going to a fair few evening dos in the 80s.

burnoutbabe · 06/04/2019 10:08

I think the rudest thing is that it's very misleading
How could anyone tell that they have received an evening invite if no times on the invite?
Will they only find out when they arrive at reception and no seat for them? How utterly mortifying to have to be told then to please go away and cone back later.
If not actually told to my face that this is an evening invite I'd be tempted to just assume it's not and wait to be turned away. As the friend who had been told this may well have a different invite.

YouBumder · 06/04/2019 10:17

I’m not keen on guests being invited to just the evening reception but if you are going to do this, ffs provide some decent food.

Yes! When I got married (2003) it seemed to be a thing not to bother feeding guests in the evening but just put out wedding cake. How fucking tight is that? I’d be really fucked off to get an evening invite and then nothing to eat but a measly bit of cake! Even for day guests the food at wedding meals is hardly stuff your face territory I’m always ready for something else by the time the buffet comes out

JassyRadlett · 06/04/2019 10:22

I actually don’t know any other country where not feeding (and sometimes not watering ) your wedding guests is normal.

I remember my mother (Australian) being horrified when one of my friends asked if we were having evening guests. It was never going to be an option for me anyway, for the same reason. We invited as many people as we were able to afford for the full thing.

StarTheGirl · 06/04/2019 10:33

We got married quite young and I just did what every wedding I’d been to had done and that was invited evening guests and had a buffet. I actually regret that now and wish we hadn’t bothered. I suppose it was nice in some ways as we got married in my home town and people like my friend’s mum wanted to come along and see us all in our fancy dresses and my mum’s friend’s son came too.

If we got married now, I wouldn’t bother with evening guests and some of my extended family and would have a much smaller do.

It’s easy to say that now though. At the time, there was a lot of pressure to invite the whole town! I even bought my dress for £50 secondhand off eBay, so that we could afford to have more guests 🤦‍♀️. I’m older and wiser now, but too late, we’re already married Grin.

NewName54321 · 06/04/2019 11:30

It's an invite. You can choose to:
Go to both events and find something to do in-between.
Go to the wedding ceremony only.
Go to the evening ceremony only.
Decline the invitation.

Choose the option that suits you best.

Lweji · 06/04/2019 11:53

I suppose it was nice in some ways as we got married in my home town and people like my friend’s mum wanted to come along and see us all in our fancy dresses

Surely, traditionally, neighbour's and more distant friends would gather outside the house or the church. Maybe to the house for some nibbles to see the bride before leaving.

Even the Queen doesn't get invited to all three.

More likely she doesn't want to attend the evening reception. I can't see her family not "inviting" her to any of the functions.

StarTheGirl · 06/04/2019 12:39

Surely, traditionally, neighbour's and more distant friends would gather outside the house or the church. Maybe to the house for some nibbles to see the bride before leaving.

Yeah, maybe... we did have a few people we barely knew, but did know iyswim gathering outside the church to have a gander.

I wouldn’t have liked to have people at the house for ‘nibbles’ while I was getting ready though.

As I say, I don’t think we’d bother with evening guests now, but simply because I don’t even speak to those people anymore. Ditto some of my and dh’s more distant relatives, who simply HAD to be invited to the whole day according to our parents Hmm. I’d have an absolutely tiny wedding now, with only people we absolutely love and are really part of our lives.

Still no nibbles at the house while I’m getting ready though, thanks!

I realise this is only hypothetical.

StarTheGirl · 06/04/2019 12:53

Also I think my mum’s friend’s son fancied one of my bridesmaids*, which is why he came along in the evening.

Not quite the same vibe if he was sitting in my mum’s front room eating vol-au-vents Grin.

They didn’t get together, sadly. She married someone else a few years ago and they now have two dcs.

I wouldn’t do it again (evening guests) but I don’t think they’re altogether a terrible thing.

I also don’t go to evening dos when I’m invited if I have to stay over / travel a long way.

MadameAnchou · 06/04/2019 14:10

I actually don’t know any other country where not feeding (and sometimes not watering ) your wedding guests is normal. all whilst still expecting them to travel a great distance AND bring you cash or a gift and/or pay for an inflated price for a hotel room to subsidise your wedding venue rental..

I don't, either. Except Britain, apparently, where's it's normal and not rude at all. Never heard of such grabby weddings in my life. B&Gs will go on how 'it's totally normal to ask for cash as a gift in Greece/Asia/wherever' but don't realise that you'd never have the type of tacky rude wedding with tiered guests/no children/themed clothes, etc.

StarTheGirl · 06/04/2019 15:02

I don’t think it IS normal to not feed and water evening guests at a wedding. I’ve never even heard of this, (except on mumsnet). Every wedding I’ve been to has had an evening buffet / hog roast / fish & chip stand / whatever and usually a glass of fizz too.

StarTheGirl · 06/04/2019 15:05

That’s just in the evening I mean^^. With the main meal being earlier in the day.

Jamhandprints · 06/04/2019 15:07

I think when people do that they are hoping you won't come but feel obliged to invite you. So I would cancel. Surely you can cancel the babysitter.

WhatAreYouSaying · 06/04/2019 15:08

It's a tricky one because I've thought nothing of a wedding invite to the evening only, where it's been made clear you can come to the service as well if you really want to but it's not expected. Some people coming to the evening have asked if they can come to the ceremony part too, but usually if they're local, and it's more rare than the norm. I haven't heard of inviting someone from away to only part of it though.

LaurieMarlow · 06/04/2019 15:11

I don’t think it IS normal to not feed and water evening guests at a wedding

Yeah not normal in my world either.

There’s always an evening buffet and probably a drink.

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