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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HauntedPencil · 05/04/2019 18:55

I don't think there us anything wrong at all in having evening invites. I've been to a few colleagues etc where works been invited to the night when there are lots of us.

I wouldn't be as keen to travel, go to the ceremony, leave then come back that's the odd bit.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 05/04/2019 18:55

I would also ring and confirm. Nothing abut that invite indicates you are not invited to the whole day. I am wondering why your friends contacted the Bride and Groom to check as the invite seems clear that the reception you are invited to follows the ceremony. I don't see why anyone would double check as it doesn't seem to suggest that there is a gap in the day to which you are not invited.

GunpowderGelatine · 05/04/2019 18:58

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking you invited 700 people to a church that fits 200 and are blaming the church for not being big enough to accommodate your ridiculous guest list Confused

I agree OP these invitations are horrifically rude and inconsiderate. I'd just go to the evening do and spend the day with your DH TBH

LuluJakey1 · 05/04/2019 19:01

I wouldn't go. I hate weddings and avoid them if I possibly can.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/04/2019 19:03

Nah, I wouldn’t go. Take the dress back and get something you need/want for the pregnancy

bridgetreilly · 05/04/2019 19:09

It is completely normal, but it's also fine to not go for the ceremony or the reception or either. Often it's people who are local friends who are invited to these two parts of the day, so they don't have the hanging around issue in the same way. If you have to travel, then it's perfectly okay to say that you can't make it.

Practicallyperfectwithprosecco · 05/04/2019 19:12

We went to a wedding like this - it was great!

Old friends from uni and they got married in our uni town.

We did church bit and saw them get married- I like that bit of weddings but I'm soppy. Did photos

Family only went for meal then a bunch of us saw it as a bit of a uni reunion- we did a pub crawl of our old student haunts, got more than a bit merry, turned up at evening do for buffet and a dance! What's not to like- even better it was a no kids wedding!

KimchiLaLa · 05/04/2019 19:16

Book a hotel room for the day (you're going to the evening bit right?) and then stay overnight. Make a trip of it. If you can get the childcare.

Or just don't go.

Lweji · 05/04/2019 19:25

I'd want to hear it from the groom and bride themselves.
Probably followed by some words of disbelief, then a long silence and then a polite excuse not to attend.

KarineAimee · 05/04/2019 19:33

We had this and it was fab, went and saw them married- then went off for pub lunch, then nap at the hotel (I was heavily pregnant). Woke up, went for a stroll to the nearby beach, then went and boogied for the evening. A wedding with none of the boring hanging around bits, I have really happy memories of that one. Far less tiring and boring than many others.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 05/04/2019 19:34

When we got married we only had 30 people for the meal (venue max was 40) and a total of 100 for the evening. The 30 (well 36 but three couples weren’t available) had one sort of invitation and the rest were very clearly Evening Invitations but included details of the ceremony and about 30 of this invitees came along to the church to watch us get married before joking us at the reception venue about three hours later. All evening invitees were local and several of our friends have had similar arrangements.

Lovesabadboy · 05/04/2019 19:35

We have an invitation for exactly the same, but next month. Thought it was the same wedding for a moment!
As it happens, it is fine for us, as we live close to the church and about a 25 minute drive to the evening venue, so we can come home in between times.
Having said that, it still feels like we are being discarded as not important enough to feed properly for the interim 6 hours or something!
When you are dressed up in wedding attire, it is not as if you can go off for a walk or anything to kill time!
Shame it isn't the same wedding or you could have come to our house for a few hours!! Smile

Pharlapwasthebest · 05/04/2019 20:04

That's so rude! Yanbu, I would not go.
Do something lovely with your dh instead.

BackforGood · 05/04/2019 20:55

I don’t remember evening dos even being a thing in the 80s, you were either invited to a wedding or you weren’t.

Maybe you just weren't invited? Grin
I went to loads of colleagues and friends evening 'do's in the 80s. It is what most people seemed to do, IME

user1487194234 · 05/04/2019 20:56

Appreciate people have different opinions but IMHO this is very rude

LillianGish · 05/04/2019 22:57

Practicallyperfectwithprosecco and KarineAimee have described how this sort of arrangement can work rather well for guests. We had similar at a lovely wedding we were invited to in Cambridge - ceremony in a college garden and drinks on the lawn, returning later for an evening knees up. The college dining room only had room for limited numbers - it would have been a logistical impossibility to squeeze everyone in - I wasn't offended at all I was happy to be invited and it was a lovely day.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 05/04/2019 23:03

This is pretty normal where I am. Have been to quite a few like this, and enjoyed them. Didn't find it rude at all.

ThoughtfulThinker · 05/04/2019 23:26

I know weddings are a huge financial pressure, I do agree that the set up of your invite does seem odd. We have a similar situation, go to church & see ceremony, then attend the evening party. We have had to book somewhere to stay as it's quite a distance.

If you were local to the bride & groom, it may be more understandable. I can't get my head round us twiddling our thumbs for several hours, dressed up for a wedding. It'd be a strange sight, being so over dressed to take a peak at a NT house or similar.

I would think about how close you are to the couple and others attending. If you're not that close, maybe still send a gift, tell them you'll toast their marriage at home.

Raspberrytruffle · 05/04/2019 23:44

I'd go somewhere in the town and enjoy a nice breakfast before you go

hottubhotties · 06/04/2019 00:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MollyYouInDangerGirl · 06/04/2019 00:18

I had this a few years ago where we were invited to the church and the evening but not the main reception - we only went to the evening part.

I personally think it's pretty rude to ask someone to attend the church, then piss off for the reception, then come back for the evening do.

eyore123 · 06/04/2019 07:36

I'm afraid I'm a rude bride that did this. I was 25 when I got married, we paid for our wedding ourselves and we were broke as we had only been working for a couple of years.
We have big families and there was no way we could afford to pay for all our friends from school, and uni for a sit down meal. I invited friends to the ceremony in a church and then the evening party where we a big bbq was catered for.

If you have been invited to a wedding he chances are people think you are important, unfortunately due to cost of these things don't take it personally if you not invited to 100% of the event. We had 60 people to our sit down meal and about 150 to the evening

DippyAvocado · 06/04/2019 08:05

I've only ever seen one invite like this when I entertained a friend of mine for the afternoon because he'd been invited to a ceremony and evening reception local to me but had to kill several hours in between in an unfamiliar location. I thought it was a weird and rude way of doing things.

I think these sorts of invitations used to be more common in the days when all guests were likely to be local and the ceremony and reception were nearby so you could go home in between but are absolutely not appropriate when people are travelling.

Also agree that the working on the invite is so unclear there are going to be a lot of bewildered guests turned away from the meal which will probably spoil the whole day. They needed to write it as:

You are invited to Tim and Tina's wedding at X venue at X time.

Followed by an evening reception at Y venue at 7.30pm.

If I were you I would go to the evening do or none of it.

EmrysAtticus · 06/04/2019 08:22

eyore why didn't you have a later ceremony and then go straight into evening reception?

Jb291 · 06/04/2019 08:26

I think this type of thing is appallingly rude and I certainly wouldn't be attending. Cheeky fuckers that are happy for you to rock up at the church service and make their wedding video look good for numbers but then expect you to sod off until evening and then turn up with a card and nice gift. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. No way would I be spending time or money on an outfit / gift / travel or taking any time off work.

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