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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 05/04/2019 17:50

I agree, would love to be a fly on the wall when hoards of guests turn up to be fed only to be turned away at the door. I'm guessing the evening attendance will be a tad sparse

thenightsky · 05/04/2019 17:52

Now I know why I see so many beautifully dressed people wearing hats in our local subway and Tesco's café on a Saturday afternoon. I live near a number of posh wedding venues.

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 17:56

On what planet is this now normal? Aren't evening invitations just for the locals? Expecting travel for an evening do is bad enough, but then to invite folks to the ceremony, which anyone can attend, anyhow, and then fuck off till evening and travel for it is fucking rude.

Kaddm · 05/04/2019 17:56

It’s just a cost issue. They can’t afford a sit down meal for everyone. No big deal - just find a Costa or something to do (sightsee?) and enjoy the time with your dh.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/04/2019 17:59

It is rude, just have a smaller wedding, and feed the people you invite to the ceremony.

RottnestFerry · 05/04/2019 18:00

We had that happen to us a couple of years ago. I don't know why they don't just say the evening because anyone attend the ceremony, invited or not.

In the end we just attended the ceremony.

RottnestFerry · 05/04/2019 18:01

anyone can attend

Susanna30 · 05/04/2019 18:03

Awful type of wedding.
We were invited to one of these. RSVP'd yes as didn't understand that we wouldn't be there for the main meal.
Took a day off work. Travelled 1.5hours each way. Attended ceremony, then were left to our own devises for 5.5 hours until permitted back for the party (are at a local harvester as nothing much else around). We were only provided with one drink each at the party and a cheap cold buffet. Absolutely embarrassing. We gave them £100 gift too! As we would for any other wedding we attend, but I did think we shouldn't have bothered as they clearly didn't value our company.

Chloemol · 05/04/2019 18:04

Re babysitter, plans change so cancel, if you don’t want to then use the baby sitter to allow you and your partner to spend time together without kids, so I would either go to the church and see them married, then go off and do something together, not attending the evening, or do something local to you during the day, missing the actual ceremony then go to the evening do

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/04/2019 18:06

That “Followed by” is misleading. I would cancel 😬

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 18:07

Even better, don't indulge their rudeness and decline or just show up for the evening do. Couching it as a fun day out just enables such rude behaviour.

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 18:12

We had that happen to us a couple of years ago. I don't know why they don't just say the evening because anyone attend the ceremony, invited or not.

Because they want seat fillers to make their video look good and then they can also tout for more cash as gifts.

Comefromaway · 05/04/2019 18:14

We invited our evening guests to the ceremony if they were local and wanted to come only we just did it in a All welcome to attend the ceremony at the bottom of the invitation. We also put in the newspaper announcement that anyone was welcome to attend the ceremony and two school friends who I hadn’t seen for over 5 years turned up.

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 18:18

We have had it confirmed to us that we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast and that the reception that we are invited to starts at 7.30.

Honestly, you could buy yourselves a very nice meal out on your own instead than spunking money on these rude people to travel and then be offered maybe a soggy bacon roll or bit of cake, saves money on a gift, too. Have they asked for cash (bet you they have)? Just send them a card.

bugaboo218 · 05/04/2019 18:25

Urrgh. I really hate this! YANBU I think it is CF on part of Bride and Groom.

You are good enough to go to Ceremony to bring high value gifts or cash, but not good enough to be fed!

Fuck that!

Go do something nice with DH instead, as you will still have to pay babysitter if you cancel now.

Since when has this become a thing at weddings?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/04/2019 18:26

I’d call and find out from the horse’s mouth! Maybe your friends’ invitation is worded differently?

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 18:32

I've been to several weddings that really were church and then cake/tea/coffee/nibbles after. They were all either Free Kirk of Scotland (they don't drink alcohol or have dances) or very young people or people who were really skint and it's fine. A friend, however, had no idea and went to one such wedding of a colleague's, but she messaged some of us after, 'And that was the whole wedding! We waved the bride and groom off. So there's no evening reception?' It turns out they were 'frees' (Free Kirk of Scotland) so yes, that was the whole wedding! They also hadn't lived together before marrying, of course, so had a wedding list with actual housewares on it like towels and bedding.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/04/2019 18:35

So it diesn’t say the time of he reception on the invite? That would be a shocking ommision?!

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 18:37

One of my first cousin's had a small wedding like that. She was 17 and pregnant and they wanted to marry before the baby came but her mother was quite poor so we just put together a nice tea/cake/nibbles reception in the church hall after. 25 years on and they're still married.

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 18:38

Drink, IIRC, the OP has double checked and yes, they're invited to just the ceremony and evening do, which starts at 7.30pm.

2015newstart · 05/04/2019 18:40

It's rude.

And I can't believe people are saying it's okay because the couple can't afford to feed everyone. We couldn't afford £60/ head when we got married. We hired a chip van and everyone was invited to everything.

Spend your day elsewhere OP

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/04/2019 18:46

I’d either do the morning or evening do, spend the rest of the time enjoying a child free day.. I think it’s a bit rude to expect guests to just ‘please themselves’ for up to 5 hrs without offering food

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/04/2019 18:49

Madame but that’s not what the OP said in her post at 15.16- she said no time specified for the reception and no mention it’s an evening invite. They found out the time of the reception later.

Sitdownstandup · 05/04/2019 18:50

The wording of that invitation is just asking for trouble.

And honestly, if you can't afford to feed your guests, downgrade. There are genuinely some cases where people will be doing things as cheaply as possible and there won't be anything to downgrade, in which case ok. But far too often this is done so the couple can have some particularly lavish venue. It's better to have something a bit less lovely and not be rude as balls. Some of the best weddings I've been to have been pretty cheap. One was a thrown together effort where everyone who was local (about two thirds of us) bought a dish, and it was great.

polarpig · 05/04/2019 18:51

I wouldn't go at all. I think it's very rude to invite people at all if they aren't invited to the whole day; if people can't afford to invite everybody to the whole day then they should have a smaller, cheaper wedding.