Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

[jonathanvanness]

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

We were invited to the ceremony and evening reception once that was 3 hours away from home. It was my friend’s brother’s wedding so not particularly close to us although we knew him well but not her.

Anyway, we were really pleased to have a weekend away by ourselves and booked the hotel and my parents to have dc. I thought it was perfect as we would see the ceremony and then have the afternoon together without anybody else, something very rare when you have young dc, before going to party in the evening.

We were both disappointed when the bride upped our invite to the whole day and we didn’t have the afternoon alone 😊. Wedding was lovely though.

Honestly then OP, they deserve warning that lots and lots of their evening only guests are going to be similarly confused by that wording.

We had a similar invitation once (about 30 years ago) but we didn't twig that we weren't invited to the wedding breakfast so we went anyway. Still feel embarrassed now. Luckily it was a buffet not one with allocated places, but I still feel bad, even now.

They may as well have written
'We want your presents but not your presence' on the invite!!
Rock up at 830 after a meal out with dh!! Make sure to post pics of you having a great day out on fb too!
Cfuckery at it's best op!

Blimey!
It's very cheeky and rude of them IMO.
I'd definitely return the dress and get a smaller gift.

I'd play dumb and message them myself. Just act really confused. "Hi X, lovely to get your wedding invite but very confused as there aren't any meal options or info about the lunch. As you know, we're travelling from far away and have a babysitter booked for the whole day so just wondering if we've misunderstood the invite as it looks like we're invited from the morning to the evening, but not in the middle? How unusual!".

Is the wedding somewhere you would like to visit, and therefore could just spend the (quiet, child free) day having a wander/lunch/shopping etc & go to the evening do?

If not, personally I'd sack the whole thing off & use the child free time to do something you actually want to.

That's a shitty thing for them to do

We were both disappointed when the bride upped our invite to the whole day and we didn’t have the afternoon alone 😊

I totally get that, but not everyone has family who will take their dcs for a whole weekend so they can have a lovely weekend away with their dh. If I attended this wedding, I’d have to pay one of dd’s key workers at nursery £10/hr plus God knows what for an overnight.

So I obviously wouldn’t go. If it was a really good friend I would, but then I’d be invited to the whole day 🤷‍♀️.

Just another POV on the whole “make a weekend of it”, “enjoy some couple time”, arguments I see a lot when it comes to wedding attendance. Not possible, or not that easy, for many parents.

That's so badly worded people are bound to turn up expecting to be there all day!

It is very normal in our setting to include a note of where the wedding is in an evening invite. My MIL will often go along to the ceremony in those circumstances, but it's got to be clear which bits people are invited too.

If you get married in a civil venue any old random cannot attend

Technically even then you have to let someone in who turns up in case they have an objection.

It was my nightmare when I was getting married as I was scared my father would turn up, but the registrar was very clear that people can't be prevented from entering a wedding. It's just easier for them to find out the details of a church wedding because all the churches here post banns on the notice board where as the notice for civil weddings is on a board inside the registration office.

You have options and they're all on this thread.

Don't go and do something with husband instead.
Do what the CFs want.
Just go to the evening part having spent day with husband.

Personally I don't mind evening invites, means I dont have to get a present. It's pretty obvious you've been invited to pad out the ceremony and to give a present without them having to feed you for the day.

Evening invites are cheeky as fuck tbh unless you specifically state you don't want gifts or money.

In the 80s that was the done thing. Family and close friends went to the more formal wedding breakfast. Then wider family members and friends such as work colleagues, neighbours etc went to the evening do. No one questioned it as it was the accepted situation.

So the invitation says 'followed by reception' which means you are invited to the meal right after the ceremony!

I don’t remember evening dos even being a thing in the 80s, you were either invited to a wedding or you weren’t.

sorry... ignore my last post. I see you've posted the time whilst I was reading the thread.

I’m a 2019 bride, I’ve read/asked so much about wedding etiquette over the last year that I really do feel well versed to say YANBU- It’s weird!!!

Day guests- Evenening guests
^ Those are the two categories which are acceptable (although many think that evening guests are tacky - personally I think it’s fine as long as they live locally)

🤔 Inviting someone to the ceremony but not the evening reception is a CF move for the following reasons;

• (like you) many won’t notice the ‘small print’ and will assume that they are invited to the whole thing.
• You’re literally asking someone to come, sending them away, and then asking them to come back 🤔 RUDE
• You’re openly saying ‘Youre important enough to witness our vows but not for us to buy you dinner’.

I think this is more of a ‘thing’ with church/venue weddings but still I think it’s a total CF move!!

I went to a wedding like this but the couple getting married were 18, as was I. I actually think it's quite nice and not everyone can afford to feed loads of people. Go and have a lovely time exploring a new area - even if it's just going to lunch and then the cinema. Time away from the kids as a couple - lovely!

That is exactly what happened to us. We had travelled several hours to the church wedding, and if we had realised we were clearly meant to spend a few hours wandering around Brighton, and then go back for the evening.
With hindsight we should have refused the invitation, but we couldn't believe that that was what was intended, so we went to the reception anyway.
We only realised the truth when some time later we were looking at photos and the groom said something along the lines of 'What were you doing there?'

It hasn't been a lasting friendship.

It is probably part of their family folklore : the couple who gatecrashed our wedding reception'.

I’m not keen on guests being invited to just the evening reception but if you are going to do this, ffs provide some decent food. I once went to a workmate’s evening do where there was absolutely no food on offer, nowhere close by to buy any and to top it all there was a pay bar. It was fucking awful and tbh I don’t know why they bothered.

The ushers are going to have their work cut out trying to do the bride and grooms dirty work telling people to fuck off for 5 hours.

OMG. I have changed my mind and would go to the ceremony as well now, just to see the ensuing fracas.

I'd go to the ceremony having booked a nearby table for a nice lunch. You'll likely be joined by about 50 others who think they are there all day!

I’m not keen on guests being invited to just the evening reception but if you are going to do this, ffs provide some decent food. I once went to a workmate’s evening do where there was absolutely no food on offer, nowhere close by to buy any and to top it all there was a pay bar. It was fucking awful and tbh I don’t know why they bothered

A pay bar is fine but you must provide (enough) food. We along with all the friends of the couple, wedding and dinner being family only, drove three hours to a hotel we all paid to stay at, just to go to the evening do. Timings were such and the hotel was such that you couldn't get food beforehand. Food was provided but the greedy family guests who had barely finished a four course meal descended upon it like locusts. DH and I were ok, I am not backwards in coming forwards for buffet queues, but the food ran out before most of our friends at the end of the line got to it, and the hotel were really funny about providing more, I think the ushers jad to practically beat the manager up to get them to provide more soggy sandwiches.

Yanbu. Fair enough just being invited to the evening do, but having to hang around for 5 hours whilst more important guests have a nice meal, I don’t think so. I’d be declining this invite.

One of the guys at work once went to a wedding...

Read in the church.
Witnessed the signing.

Was only invited to the evening.

He did it all. Fool.