To be quietly sick of family members organising big (family-wide) events that exclude children

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

We have a toddler (the only child so far on DH's side of the family). His side's approach to life seems to be to ignore presence of child, so family birthday/Xmas events continue to be organised as:

• meals out late in the evening when our child needs to be in bed
• weekends away in locations that are not child friendly with adult activitues that its difficult to do with a child in tow, & with an apparent expectation that our toddler can fit into bizarre irregular meals times & their v adult routine which involves late starts in the morning and staying out late
• tickets to day time events at venues where children are not allowed

AIBU to be a bit tired of this? We don't expect our child to be constantly accommodated & we try to find baby sitting options, but sometimes when we point out that something doesn't include children, family members just seem bemused and don't seem to understand that theres any issue. Am I missing something here?

I can see it both ways, whilst it would be better to choose more inclusive activities, insisting your child goes to bed at 7 on a special occasion is very inflexible, just let them stay up.

Congratulations on pregnancy OP. But if your family is not particularly accommodating of a toddler in their arrangements, they're going to be less so for a baby plus toddler. So you know exactly what to do: cheery smile, breezy "oh, no, that will be a nightmare with little ones in tow/oh, no we can't do that, no sitter available for less than a king's ransom. But we want to do a Sunday lunch soon, so we can catch up with everyone, what dates work for you?" And I am with others who say Sunday lunch is 3pm affair. Late breakfast, snack lunch for kids to tide them over, big lunch that hopefully goes on till 7, no damn food prep in the evening 'cos everyone is still full. Fingers crossed, there's leftovers for Monday.

Why is that so hard?

OP
Your in laws sound very selfish and thoughtless, their only grandchild and they didn't acknowledge his birthday; that's nasty.
Your DH should say something along the lines of 'it would be nice to include my DS especially on my birthday', odd that every adult gets a birthday fuss but not the wee one.

My ex's family were like this, every event was a late evening meal, he had to attend on his own as we had no sitters and it was far too late for the littlest ones. I used to get lots of passive aggressive comments about how children should fit in with what an adult wants not the other way round. I put them in their place telling them that in my opinion I as an adult had to adapt my wants and expectations to what was best for my children. I have never attended a single family event of theirs since. I was unreasonable not to take a 1 and 2 year old for a 9pm dinner in a restaurant 🙄
This was just part of the crap I used to get off them, like refusing to not let them have a nap after lunch because she might pop in after work (1pm) it was always made clear that she would not fit in around them, we should all fit in around her
So glad I don't have to engage with my ex mil anymore!

I'd be more fuming. When they ask why you aren't attending, I'd ask them why they didn't all come to your BBQ. I'd make sure none of DHs family get birthday cards or presents. If they are bemused or stupid, it might take being unreasonable to help them think things through. I might be misunderstanding OPS posts but which grand parents and uncles/aunts don't get a card or present for their only grand children/nieces or nephews and then arrange weekends away to which children aren't really accommodated and encouraged to be left with anyone else?

We have a toddler (the only child so far on DH's side of the family).

This was the first line of the OP.

So clearly the toddlers you were accommodating, weren't she side of the family. So not sure that's relevant

It's probably no consolation but in my experience, grandparents who have little engagement with little ones often expect to be centre of their DGCs worlds when they are old enough to be 'interesting'. No surprise that I've seen with family in-laws, the DGCs have no interest in suddenly warming up to these nasty GPs.

I'm fine with a 3pm Sunday lunch when that's the planned time, I will feed toddler earlier etc no sweat. But i object when we host & organise it a little earlier, they don't object in advance to the timing but just show up late....

Only child of this generation. When I met DH his cousins were 3 & 5. I played many a game of need guns with them!

I'm with you OP, I don't think you're being over sensitive. All the posters saying you can't expect adults to organise all their events to accommodate a toddler are rather missing the point that you're not!

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect family (those people who should, you know, love and support you) to organise the odd event that is suitable for a toddler. I also think it's very unfair to organise obviously unsuitable events for a child and then get the arse if the parents of said child can't attend.

I don't want to spend £££ paying other people to look after my child so I can attend childfree events every other weekend. I want to actually spend time with DS when not at work!

Not acknowledging your DS's birthday (especially when every adult birthday requires a large celebration) seems particularly mean.

I'd just really cut down how many of these events you attend. Big birthdays fine, everything else DH goes by himself or none of you go. Once you have a toddler and a newborn it will be even more difficult anyway so might as well start now!

*NERF not need. Obv.

ohmydaysagain It may be that is what his family is used to doing.

Each family has its cultural norm. As I said my cultural background is complex and some of my family are used to toddlers being kept up late and napping during the day. To adults like this, saying your DC has to go to bed at 7pm can seem strange and fussy.
So if the adults in your family were kept up very late for events when they were tiny like I was, then yes I can see why they would expect you to do the same.
I am not saying you should, just saying I can see it from both pov.

Sunshine I think you have really understood me!

I would also have organised a birthday party though for your DC and invited family to that. I have been to plenty of babies and toddlers birthday parties.

I think they're being a bit thoughtless. My sister is the only one of us who had children. When they were small kids, her kids were always considered. Events were mostly planned at hers for this very reason. We'd never have organised an event that excluded her or the boys.
Do you think it is you that they've got an issue with...? I.E deliberately organising things, knowing you'll likely have to stay at home with your child?

Claire I really do get that and we try but it's hard when the same adults dislike it if your child struggles being kept up late (cries/whinges) and you can't change their usual routine permanently to accommodate late nights because they have to be in childcare during the week.

Honestly I don't really think it's intentional per se... just a sort of thoughtlessness and total lack of awareness that having children can change your lifestyle a bit

None of them even gave our child a birthday card or present this year so I am a bit sensitive about it

Congratulations on your pregnancy up! That’s a bit of a drip feed though. Your early posts made them sound a bit thoughtless, now they just sounds plain mean.

It must vary between families, though. DH and I are the last on both sides of the family (and in our friendship group) to have children and we spent years bending over backwards to accommodate our nieces, nephews, godchildren etc. Yes we had the odd child free night out/dinner but we’re always understanding that babysitters might be hard to come by, and mostly would go to their houses after the kids were in bed, or have a family-friendly bbq.

Mumsnet is a funny place though. I’ve seen threads similar to this one which have been flooded with ‘WE COME AS A FAMILY UNIT OR NOT AT ALL HOW DARE THEY NOT INVITE YOUR CHILDREN’ type posts, whereas most replies here seem to think the op is BU.

My DS refuses to nap and needs to be up by 7 in the week to go to nursery so we can go to work. I can't randomly keep him up until 10pm, he'd get overtired, hysterical and then fall asleep on me. Then there would be further drama getting him into the car then waking him again to get him into bed. None of which the people who organised the stupid event will have to deal with and none of which is fair to DS who doesn't want to be in a restaurant at 9pm.

If the family are unable to appreciate this then that's their problem, I wouldn't be making my own life harder for people who can't bring themselves to post their only grandchild a birthday card.

I think them turning up late to a Sunday lunch that you are hosting is rude, asbsolutely. (assuming you gave a time not just "lunchtime" presuming they would know you wanted to eat for 1 etc).

On the whole though the person doing the arranging picks the time, venue, activity that suits them. So they may well arrange late dinners or adult activities, as that suits them.

If you want more events at times that suit you, then can you not arrange them? You book the table and send the invites for brunch or early lunch or a picnic in the park or whatever the events that you want to happen are.

It's the same as when people move away. When I arrange a group meal out, I will do it in my town or surrounds. If the person who moved away wants everyone to eat out in their new home town, then they need to take the responsibility for organising it.

I don't understand why some families do that - it's like the children aren't part of the family!

Both my family and DH have (thankfully) been the complete opposite - they plan things for times that are good for my toddler (even moving family dinners from 7pm to 5:30pm etc!) and both sides of the family would be disappointed if we ever showed up to family events without my toddler (wouldn't be if we sent the toddler without us though!).

Don’t go and enjoy the time instead doing family things. Make it clear you are a unit and so if adult based events are organised then you won’t be there. I am not sure I would ever want to go, they found inconsiderate and self absorbed.

Brunches are great. We did them at peoples houses when nieces and nephews were young. Ham and cheese croissants, pancakes and berries, muffins, fruit salad and yoghurt, bacon and eggs, shakshuka, quiche, champagne, juice....
Your toddler is your responsibility, and it is predominantly up to you to make the adjustments to accommodate him. well er yes. But, one of those adjustments is to not go which is apparently unreasonable. And also, god forbid you think your family might want to see their grandchild/niece/ nephew. Mine are far more interested in my children than me!
Pull back op it’s the only way.

Or you will be eaten up with resentment when someone else has a baby and suddenly everything is child friendly...

timeisnotaline Brunches are fine for a family get together. The discussion was about whether you would want it for a celebratory birthday meal, and I think they are pretty crap for that.