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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quietly sick of family members organising big (family-wide) events that exclude children

171 replies

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 14:40

We have a toddler (the only child so far on DH's side of the family). His side's approach to life seems to be to ignore presence of child, so family birthday/Xmas events continue to be organised as:

  • meals out late in the evening when our child needs to be in bed
  • weekends away in locations that are not child friendly with adult activitues that its difficult to do with a child in tow, & with an apparent expectation that our toddler can fit into bizarre irregular meals times & their v adult routine which involves late starts in the morning and staying out late
  • tickets to day time events at venues where children are not allowed

AIBU to be a bit tired of this? We don't expect our child to be constantly accommodated & we try to find baby sitting options, but sometimes when we point out that something doesn't include children, family members just seem bemused and don't seem to understand that theres any issue. Am I missing something here?

OP posts:
Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 15:09

One of my friends has loads of people willing to babysit. I have only her, which is why I dont mind saying no to events.

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:09

Most recent was us being given tickets for christmas (with wider family, so no one could babysit) to a day time weekend event which doesn't allow children, in central London 1hr from where we live.

OP posts:
clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 15:11

Okay that is thoughtless.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 15:12

Do they believe your family could babysit on occassion?

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:13

We had planned to take child along & build in an activity before hand & try to conveniently get them to doze off in pram to minimise disruption of the event, it was only revealed the child couldn't attend a week before leaving us with no one free to sit, so one ticket will go to waste

OP posts:
PCohle · 04/04/2019 15:13

I agree it's annoying but I can totally see it from your DH's family's perspective.

They shouldn't have to change their longstanding family routines and habits just to accommodate one toddler. Now that my kids are older the thought of constantly having to dine really early, get up at the crack of dawn and stick to a rigid nap time routine would just seem like a total ball ache.

People who don't have kids or are a long way past the toddler stage forget that it can be difficult to make kids "just fit in".

Expecting the whole family to fit around your requirements is unreasonable.

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 15:13

It is rare for daytime events not to allow kids.

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:14

The thing is, is it not a bit presumptuous to assume my family will sit, when they rarely sit for us themselves? My family live 2.5 hours away & siblings have their own young families.

OP posts:
Fuzzyheadache · 04/04/2019 15:15

Jessgalinda we do things without our kids, evening wedding receptions, 18th birthday parties, but this is when its a family holiday, christening or child birthday and they want to celebrate 'their' child.
Most of us do have children so for meals its booked at reasonable times to suit all but when they say no children, then rock up with their own . . .

Shoxfordian · 04/04/2019 15:16

Just keep saying no, sorry, we don't have a babysitter

Eventually they'll stop asking you

PCohle · 04/04/2019 15:16

I don't think it's presumptuous for your DH's family to assume you have some other form of childcare available than just their family.

I mean if you don't fair enough, but I don't think it's a particularly rude or presumptuous thing to think.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 15:17

Maybe, but if they are doing something 'adult' and invite you or want you to come, what do you want them to do?

Would you prefer them to just not invite you?

You say they rarely babysit, who is this? Because I cant imagine think my bill or silly would babysit any more than the odd time. Do your parents babysit at all?

Or maybe they think a paid babysitter is the done thing

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:18

As I have said before, really don't expect it every time. Would love it if one in 10 things tho... especially when it is something organised for DH & it excludes our child...

OP posts:
clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 15:18

You still have not said OP what kind of family events you are talking about. So I suspect this is celebration events like birthdays. Eating at 5pm in a place suitable for a toddler is not going to be attractive to most adult family members.
The truth is when you are talking about toddlers, there are not many activities that are actually suitable for toddlers with a strict bedtime, and older family members who are not incredibly mobile.
Generally toddlers enjoy things where they can run about and be loud. So soft play, playgrounds, or day time parties. A barbecue is about the only thing that works for all age groups.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 15:18

Jessgalinda we do things without our kids, evening wedding receptions, 18th birthday parties, but this is when its a family holiday, christening or child birthday and they want to celebrate 'their' child.

So totally different situation to the ops?

And how is your wedding there to celebrate your child?

thecatsthecats · 04/04/2019 15:19

I get the point about it being annoying to be every single event, but I've also had a birthday sabotaged by my 3 month old nephew.

Ok, that's unfair. I invited my sister to come see me the weekend before my actual 30th birthday, but they said they couldn't make it (they live 1h30m away, fair enough). But then she decided they would join my visit to my parents (another 1h30m away from her, so not quicker, and 3h away from me), so we could have a 'family celebration' of my birthday.

What I wanted was a hike and a pub meal. It rained, so we got an afternoon of her performance parenting indoors, and a hastily assembled home meal because they didn't want to drive so far with a baby. (my parents and husband would happily tramp about in the rain with me)

And thus I decided that if she goes to them this Christmas, I certainly won't be there Wink.

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:21

It's in laws as well as bil/sil etc. So child's grandparents. I think I would like it if they did invite, but were a) understanding on the occasion one/both of us has to decline, or b) made an effort to attend the things we organise as often as we make the effort to attend theirs (We do try wherever possible)

OP posts:
Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 15:21

See, you wont say what events are.

If its something for your dh, it could be they presume you want to do something just the 3 of you so organise more adult event.

If that's not the case your dh can say 'that doesnt work for me', since he is a grown up.

Unless the event is for the child, then I totally get why children's events dont enter their head.

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 15:23

Rule in our family is if it is your birthday, we do something you choose.
No way do I want to do something toddler friendly on my birthday, because I honestly can't think of one activity that is toddler friendly that I would enjoy.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/04/2019 15:24

Did they organise something your DH will enjoy or does it miss the mark a bit? (You can tell us- we don't know them!)

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:24

I do also get a bit grumpy that one family member in particular seems willing to go for any amount of lunches & brunches with two of his friends who have toddlers too... it's that old crumpet where people expect family to put up with things they don't expect friends to tolerate

OP posts:
clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 15:26

Perhaps friends toddlers are better behaved at lunch than yours is? No judgement, some toddlers are fine at a lunch meal, others can not sit still through a lunch.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 15:26

What do you want everyone to say?

You are going to keep dropping bits in until, what people post 'I bet they just dont like your toddler'

OP, you know you suspect what the issue is, so why not say?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/04/2019 15:26

Off topic but is an old crumpet like an old chestnut but for people with nut allergies? Grin it's not a saying round here but I am
determined to make it one. Watch this space...

RosaWaiting · 04/04/2019 15:27

"Are there people out there with young kids with unlimited babysitting available?!"

I know it's not usual, but my godchildren's parents are part of a babysitting circle, which is great and really helpful. I cannot remember the last time they said no to anything due to lack of babysitting. They got into it through a neighbourhood Twitter group - we have to commute to central London for work and so made a big effort to find local friends, which mainly seems to happen via social media now.

however, they are also willing to take turns in terms of going out to family things, which helps.

I'm sorry, I missed your update which said people are expecting to you attend these things. That is mad, and unnecessary pressure even if you didn't have DC.

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