To be quietly sick of family members organising big (family-wide) events that exclude children

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

We have a toddler (the only child so far on DH's side of the family). His side's approach to life seems to be to ignore presence of child, so family birthday/Xmas events continue to be organised as:

• meals out late in the evening when our child needs to be in bed
• weekends away in locations that are not child friendly with adult activitues that its difficult to do with a child in tow, & with an apparent expectation that our toddler can fit into bizarre irregular meals times & their v adult routine which involves late starts in the morning and staying out late
• tickets to day time events at venues where children are not allowed

AIBU to be a bit tired of this? We don't expect our child to be constantly accommodated & we try to find baby sitting options, but sometimes when we point out that something doesn't include children, family members just seem bemused and don't seem to understand that theres any issue. Am I missing something here?

I think you're going to have to develop a thicker skin. They don't like little kids. So you have to stop going and ignore their pointed comments or just answer back, 'We don't have a babysitter, so we won't be going' over and over.

Arya - that's the bonkers thing... they organise a lot. Loads of extended family/loads of cousins etc & the expectation of a big meal for every single birthday

That sounds draining even without the toddler problem! You will just have to start saying no and tell them why and maybe they will start getting the message if they want you there?

Good God, you pay a teenage babysitter £10 an hour!!! More than a lot of adults earn

Blondie granted it was some years ago but I think I used to get £2.50 an hour and a can of lemonade!

Blondieg good Lord no we pay the teenager less but she isn't permanently free. Am agency like sitters (more reliable thus could be used regularly) is much more expensive

I think it's pretty shit if family members organise FAMILY events that don't include children.

The worst are the ones with grown-up kids who had imposed their kids on everyone for years and suddenly decide to go for every child-free.

Organising late events wouldn't bother me, kids are very adaptable and it's fun to go to bed much later than usual - or crash on the sofa. I wouldn't call a 7pm or 8pm evening gathering a child-unfriendly. Give a long nap to the kids, feed them early, that's not an issue.

Organising something for your own DH that doesn't include his own kid is weird, the least they could do is ask what would work better for him!

Your DH should decline all invitations that are not convenient, or at least SPEAK with his own family.

I quite like family events without kids, we do lots of family (kids) birthdays with the kids but adults birthdays etc would be something adult friendly without kids. Not compulsory to attend if childcare wasn’t available, babysitter can be found or I wouldn’t attend. I

don’t think things excluding your toddler are deliberate, people will be more understanding when they have kids but I know I’d be enjoying dinners/weekends away whilst I could if I was kid free and babysitting etc for someone else’s kid wouldn’t cross my mind

Babuchak - interesting we have accommodated younger family members (now teens) who were toddlers 10 yrs ago... throughout our child free twenties

It is clear this is mainly adult birthday meals. So sorry the adult gets to choose what they want to do. You need to simply say you can't go.

Although just to add in my cultural heritage is complex, and some parts of my family think we send kids to bed weirdly early. My earliest memory is at 3 being at a pizza restaurant with a lot of adults late at night. The expectation in some of my family is that kids would have a long nap and attend late family meals - far later than most English people eat dinner.
I totally understand that changing a toddlers sleep habits may be impossible so I am not saying you should do that. Just pointing out that the idea of what is toddler friendly is culturally determined.

If I was the only one with children in my family, I would expect events/get togethers to be mainly adult focussed activities. 🤷‍♀️

Just stop going altogether. My brother did this with family events. Last year all the older generation finally figured out why none of their kids and grandkids were coming for the family dinner, late in the evening. This year it's child friendly. Just stop hoing, if they start missing you and ask why you won't come just point out that you would love to if they arranfe something child froendly. If they start yapping about babysitters just tell them that a family event should be for the whole family, and your child is family.

Thanks all. Points noted. I am glad a few of you feel it's not unreasonable that we should be able to decline where we don't have a sitter and not get grief for this

Ps. Brunch is very celebratory in my book and you can never have too many eggs royale.

What about organising a Sunday lunch get together? That is what used to happen in our family. Not for birthdays, but just a get together. Most people enjoy Sunday lunch.

Brunch is pretty boring in my book. Its the kind of thing we might do if we get up late hungry and can't be bothered to make something. But brunches tend to be egg heavy, so you have to be keen on eggs. They also tend to not take that long, and tend not to be in that special settings.
The exception is bottomless brunches with included crap prosecco. I see those as hen party kind of activities and not something that I would be keen on.
I like good food and good wine. You don't tend to get either at a brunch.

We LOVE Sunday lunches but DH family are terrible at mornings and v unpunctual, an invite to "lunch" often involves no one arriving until 2pm and no food until at least 3pm. When we offer to host they seem incapable of arriving earlier!

I wouldn't change plans to accommodate a child tbh. I might additionally make other plans for spending time with the child, but as a non parent to the child, I wouldn't expect to have to stop doing things that I currently enjoying doing because a child had been born.

A meal out, I would expect parents to get a babysitter or only one attend. This is fairly standard, surely? I wouldn't expect to have to eat at 6 either!

A weekend away, I would think that it was reasonable for a family with a toddler to come, but parents take it in turns to participate in the non child friendly activities, whilst the other is cares for the child (and possibly arranges their own child friendly activities to do).

I would think that on special occasions a toddlers routine can be tweaked a bit. Late starts are not a problem - child's parents can get up with them and entertain them. Late evening meals - maybe one parent can stay with child,m or if meal at holiday cottage etc, then cook toddlers meal earlier and put him to bed first.

Your toddler is your responsibility, and it is predominantly up to you to make the adjustments to accommodate him.

He's (understandably) the centre of your world - but not everybody else's, and its unreasonable to expect him to be!

no one arriving until 2pm and no food until at least 3pm. When we offer to host they seem incapable of arriving earlier!

This would give me rage!

I think it's pretty shit if family members organise FAMILY events that don't include children.

But if the event is for example a birthday dinner and the person having the birthday wants to go for dinner to a nice restaurant at 7.30 that has a great wine list, should they have necessarily considered that it won't be appropriate for the 1 family toddler? I can't say I would change my birthday dinner to accommodate 1 infant if it would mean changing what I wanted on my own birthday. I'd expect the couple with a child to either get a babysitter or decline.

They sound rude OP.
But if you want to keep good contact, you could host a Sunday lunch, invite them for 12pm, plan to secretly eat at 3.30pm, and feed your toddler to fit in with this.

The problem is when it’s a big birthday or wedding, then people may well want to do them a particular way which suits them and might not be child friendly e.g. l have a big birthday coming next year. I am intending to go out for dinner in central London with close family, friends and my partner. I’m not being deliberately difficult and no one is under any pressure to attend. It’s just what l want to do, l don’t see why l should compromise with a lunch held locally etc

My family often do child non friendly events, our son is 14 months and only grandchild on that side (looking likely to remain so!). It just doesn’t occur that we can’t come, but I’m not up for demanding a reschedule. I just say it will prob just be one of us (me) attending for things like birthday dinner out. If they ask, I’ll say do it daytime if you want all of us there. I think it’s a bit off if you’re continually pressured to go without your child though

I think it's odd to expect an offer of baby sitting to go with a gift of tickets

To be clear, we DO NOT expect constant changes to plans eg for adult birthdays. Clearly that would be unreasonable. But some of the meals etc are just family get togethers, it would be nice if an odd one was a brunch or lunch so we could all go. We are not ones to expect adults to tolerate a whiny toddler ruining lunch either, if ours wasn't behaving one of us would take them out at once.

I think it's odd to expect an offer of baby sitting to go with a gift of tickets

But if you give the parents of a small child tickets and no babysitting offer what you've basically given them is a logistical problem to solve - and they may do so, but it's not that thoughtful a gift. It would be a bit like giving someone who lives in Birmingham tickets to a show in London and no offer of transport - you're forcing them to spend money to be able to actually use your gift.

I think perhaps you need to explore other childcare options or accept you need decline enough times for them to factor your childcare issues in.

Who do you use for childcare in the week? Have you asked if they do occasional babysitting? (If you use a nursery, many will be happy for you to use the staff for babysitting outside of work hours if you arrange it directly with them and don't expect the nursery to be involved at all)