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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quietly sick of family members organising big (family-wide) events that exclude children

171 replies

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 14:40

We have a toddler (the only child so far on DH's side of the family). His side's approach to life seems to be to ignore presence of child, so family birthday/Xmas events continue to be organised as:

  • meals out late in the evening when our child needs to be in bed
  • weekends away in locations that are not child friendly with adult activitues that its difficult to do with a child in tow, & with an apparent expectation that our toddler can fit into bizarre irregular meals times & their v adult routine which involves late starts in the morning and staying out late
  • tickets to day time events at venues where children are not allowed

AIBU to be a bit tired of this? We don't expect our child to be constantly accommodated & we try to find baby sitting options, but sometimes when we point out that something doesn't include children, family members just seem bemused and don't seem to understand that theres any issue. Am I missing something here?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 04/04/2019 15:27

How many family events do you actually have though, surely can't be that many?

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:28

One is a theatre ish/performance thing (not allowing children).the one for DH is an evening meal at a family members home but no one is willing to attend even a little earlier in the evening (e.g. 6pm?) to allow a little bit of the celebration to include our child. I don't think that's massively unreasonable & not that inconvenient to adults given we are packing (clearly unwelcome) child off to bed at 7pm

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 04/04/2019 15:28

I would be in two minds. I would love to think that at least grandparents would make an effort and schedule a meal out to lunch instead of late dinner. My PIL and my mum did this, early Seventies and night owls but happy to do this to include DD.

Other family members I would accept that their social circle is different and I would cut more slack and just send DH.

Events as gifts, that is shocking thoughtless. I would have returned the tickets straight away. It is not hard to check if children are allowed at events and if so from what age, for exampale most London theatres don’t admit under 5s unless it is a specific children event.

And what is so hard to arrange a weekend away and accept maybe that the family can’t do one activity but then do another one with the child. Even adult can do a walk in the woods or visit a zoo.

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 15:29

So I would happily go for a meal with my sisters toddlers because even when they were tiny, they would sit at the table, no screaming and indoor voice only. So you could go nice places to eat.
My brothers kids were totally different and you had to go places where noisy kids were accepted, which generally means crap food. I would go for the sake of family harmony, but not for my own bloody birthday.

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:29

Arya - that's the bonkers thing... they organise a lot. Loads of extended family/loads of cousins etc & the expectation of a big meal for every single birthday

OP posts:
Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:31

Clairemcnam - our toddler is really good at brunching but no one seems to want to do that!!

OP posts:
NewAccount270219 · 04/04/2019 15:31

I think part of the problem here might be that ideas about acceptable babysitters have changed since there was last a child in the family. When I was a child we were left with seemingly fairly random teenagers which I wouldn't do with my own child. But if that's what you did when you were a parent then it doesn't seem mad to think that finding a babysitter is easy and pretty cheap

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 15:32

Is this family meal at a family members house during the week or at the weekend?

Hugtheduggee · 04/04/2019 15:32

Also, remember that not all toddlers are the same and have the same needs. Not all toddlers get up early, not all go to bed early, they have different mealtimes. So I don't think you can expect them to presume anything based on age alone. I know toddlers who have dinner at 4pm, others would be fine eating at 8-9pm.

Mine is not a morning person so late morning plans work much better than early morning ones (getting out around half 10 is the earliest we can push it without rushing/waking her, though we frequently do have to wake her etc)though.

Generally though, with a bit of careful thought, restaurants/pubs that suit all ages can be found, and if the toddler is entertained, everyone generally has a better time. Some elements of my family struggle with this - its not me being precious, its me trying to save everyone from a grumpy toddler by choosing (for example) a nice pub which also has a play area.

managedmis · 04/04/2019 15:32

Most recent was us being given tickets for christmas (with wider family, so no one could babysit) to a day time weekend event which doesn't allow children, in central London 1hr from where we live.

^

This is just stupid.

I'd be saying 'Well, obviously we can't go, we have DS! Unless you can babysit? '

timeisnotaline · 04/04/2019 15:32

I think they are being very unreasonable. I’d consider pulling back and neither of you attending for most of the events next year, saying we are using up all of our few babysitting options for these and not getting date nights ourselves, plus we are tired of one of us being home alone for these. They will get the message eventually?

Littleraindrop15 · 04/04/2019 15:33

If this is a regular thing then why don't you find a baby sitter that you can use and have a few back up sitters.

Also, unless it's a child's birthday it's unreasonable to expect a bunch of adults to to go and spend time in a soft play area.

Your not being summoned it's an invite you can decline it

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 04/04/2019 15:34

Wait until the bil/sil has kids then it will change. I had this with IL's insisting we went to family things that DS couldn't go to. They always had the cheek to say I could ask my already put upon mother to babysit.
If we didn't go they and BIL would get all shitty and say we were letting DS run our lives. (They have babysat for him once in 10 years and they complained about that) I stopped going. Soon as SIL was pregnant it was all family friendly and geared round their kids. I still don't go.

Just don't go. Tell them their plans make it impossible. Sorry not sorry.

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 15:34

I would not have a brunch for a birthday. That is not special. As a meet up sure.

SunshineCake · 04/04/2019 15:34

I wonder what will happen when other golden child relatives have children. I hate to think how you will feel then when suddenly big efforts are made to accommodate this new golden baby.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/04/2019 15:35

I'd be saying 'Well, obviously we can't go, we have DS! Unless you can babysit?

I think the wider family are attending so probably not up for babysitting duties!Grin

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 15:36

The reason I ask if these meals are at weekends, is brother used to expect us to go for early meals during the week. But we were still making our way home from work at the time he wanted to meet that suited his kids. We just could not do it.
If at weekend and no one works weekends, then yes refusing to meet at 6pm is a bit mean.

NewAccount270219 · 04/04/2019 15:36

I would not have a brunch for a birthday. That is not special.

Why is brunch inherently less celebratory than dinner?!

I initially thought you were being a bit unreasonable, OP, but the adjustments you want are very minor and they do seem thoughtless. I agree with you that accommodating your child at least sometimes would be the nice, family thing to do.

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:37

Headcount - you may be right there. We do use a teenage babysitter from our village but she's usually only free in the evenings. Things like Sitters get terrifically expensive to use regularly, eg if we needed to cover 3hr event plus 1hr travel either side it's basically £50. I suppose I am used to my family where we are quite organised, dates are discussed ahead before we buy tickets or book things, to ensure we can all get sitters, and it's fine when we have to skip because we can't get one.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/04/2019 15:38

the one for DH is an evening meal at a family members home but no one is willing to attend even a little earlier in the evening (e.g. 6pm?) to allow a little bit of the celebration to include our child

6 is quite early to be dressed up, ready, organised blah blah, but presumably the person whose house it is will be there, so can't you just have a nice hour with them before bedtime?

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 15:38

Brunch is less celebratory than dinner, it just is.

Shoxfordian · 04/04/2019 15:39

Unless its one of those bottomless alcoholic brunches but then not suitable for a toddler either

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2019 15:40

Clairemcnam - it's a Saturday. Dh and I both work full time so have same issues as child free adults during the week.
Roundturn & sunshine... my mum always says this ! You are probably right.
Littleraindrop.... because it's £££. Who can afford to spend £100+ a month on babysitters? We are already shelling out for childcare!

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/04/2019 15:41

Why is brunch inherently less celebratory than dinner?!

Cons:

  • It's over faster
  • either it's less boozy or you are a bit drunk all day and not sure what to do with yourself
  • it means getting up earlier especially if not in your home town
  • there is only so much eggs royale that anyone can eat
  • you can't really get dressed up without looking like a spanner. Nice dress and heels would look weird
  • serving staff usually massively hungover
  • no dessert

Pros:

  • cheaper
  • bloody marys
LL83 · 04/04/2019 15:41

My own birthday celebrations aren't always child friendly (often have cake with kids in afternoon then put with dh or friends at night) so I understand why celebrations are adult centred. But they cant expect you to come every time. "We dont have a babysitter" should be all you need to say. When it is you or dh birthday make it a family focused celebration and invite them.

The presents are thoughtless. Surely you would say "lovely, can you babysit?" If not then "we cant use them but thanks anyway"

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