To be quietly sick of family members organising big (family-wide) events that exclude children

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

We have a toddler (the only child so far on DH's side of the family). His side's approach to life seems to be to ignore presence of child, so family birthday/Xmas events continue to be organised as:

• meals out late in the evening when our child needs to be in bed
• weekends away in locations that are not child friendly with adult activitues that its difficult to do with a child in tow, & with an apparent expectation that our toddler can fit into bizarre irregular meals times & their v adult routine which involves late starts in the morning and staying out late
• tickets to day time events at venues where children are not allowed

AIBU to be a bit tired of this? We don't expect our child to be constantly accommodated & we try to find baby sitting options, but sometimes when we point out that something doesn't include children, family members just seem bemused and don't seem to understand that theres any issue. Am I missing something here?

But for adults who like to drink surely evening is better. I see Kid free events as a chance to have a break from the demands of parenthood.

I like good food and good wine. You don't tend to get either at a brunch.

I agree you don't get much wine at brunch (nice cocktails though) but if you've never had special, exciting brunch food then it's the places you're going to - plenty of very nice restaurants with great reviews, award winning food, etc. do brunch.

Start ignoring their feelings and just say no. They don't care about your feelings on the matter when they organise a child free event. Why would you, therefore, give their feelings a second thought when declining their invites. Let them be annoyed - it's better than you stressing over childcare.

I think it’s awful you’re expected to pay a babysitter to spend time with your laws.

I would do it for big birthdays only and maybe events you like but theatre where ye are sitting in silence definitely not.

NewAccount Not where I live. Yes they do good egg heavy food. So good eggs benedict for example. But not anything really interesting.

Yes I think I definitely need to just be thick skinned and say we can't go. I'm determined to be ultra accommodating when the next little one comes along ought, its a hard time of life with young kids and I like to support family. Our weekday childminder can't do weekends and both working full time we don't always want to give up all our weekends putting our child in more childcare, its our only time with them! We do use an evening sitter when we can but it can be very costly.

And sorry, most cocktails are for people who do not really like alcohol.

I think I am just overemotional (pregnant ) feeling like our child isn't wanted among family. None of them even gave our child a birthday card or present this year so I am a bit sensitive about it!

They sound like they don’t give a crap about your feelings so why should you consider theirs to deeply?

Say that you can’t go-have a nice time.

Would kids tend to get cards and presents?
I ask simply because we would send a card to nephews kids, but not presents. Simply because it gets too expensive. Immediate family only for that.

Well, obviously we will have to agree to differ because
a) I can't judge the brunch scene where you live - when I eat a special meal out it's normally in central London and there are lots of interesting brunch options there
b) the thread isn't really about the merits or otherwise of brunch!

I do think it's a bit shit to refuse to ever have a meal at a time that's more convenient for some family members because you have some personal animus against eggs or whatever

Wouldn't expect presents but I think a card is nice... toddlers love post. From grandparents surely. It is their only grandchild so not huge expense.

I think family birthdays are different, person gets to decide what they want to do. Other family events should include your toddler within reason.

Whilst I understand the comments from PPs (who are mostly child-free, I think), the comment I've taken on board the most is the one saying but these are family events and your child is FAMILY. I think this is key, as families do evolve and change.

And I also agree with those PPs who've said things might change again once other people start having children (although i note the OPs comment that there do seem to be other DC, but they may be older).

I do think toddlers will change and evolve, although it partly depends on the child. Some ages and stages can't cope with flexibility and others cope with it much better. And also depends on your childrearing decisions (eg how flexible your routines are), so I would expect things to change as your child changes and grows.

But this reminds me that my mum always moans this was like that for her when me and my DSis were younger - no accommodation made and it made life tough for her. And family members would openly eye roll if we were tired/hungry/bored and therefore not behaving our best. I was never aware of this, but my mum was and resented it at the time and STILL carries this historical resentment with her, even though I'm nearly 50! So, for example my younger cousins who now have DC of their own are accommodated for Christmas, etc and mum will mutter to me that she never was.

However, now I'm on MN, I can see that my mum's problem/issue was actually a DH problem. HE should have supported her. HE should have stepped in more. HE should have taken on more of the childcare at these events. And, most key, he should have spoken to his family on my mum's behalf.
But he never did.

Claire I would rather do brunch than dinner; I love alcohol, but it affects my auto immune disease, so one cocktail is about my limit, and at a brunch no eyebrows are raised if you choose not to drink, and stick to tea or coffee. One can't however, ask for a mug of tea when out for dinner.

I don't see how viennoiserie, ham, cheese, smoked salmon, are egg heavy in any shape or form; but a good Eggs Benedict is a thing of beauty, and one I could eat at every meal.

GPs should be sending a card and present, totally agree.

We LOVE Sunday lunches but DH family are terrible at mornings and v unpunctual, an invite to "lunch" often involves no one arriving until 2pm and no food until at least 3pm. When we offer to host they seem incapable of arriving earlier!

3pm seems a perfect time for Sunday Lunch. Just give the toddler something small to eat earlier if they need it.

I really don't think you can complain that a 3 pm start isn't child friendly.

Redhats you are so right. My DH never ever kicks off or has a word with them, even when its really unreasonable, like when I had a day off work & took our child to meet them at a venue 5 mins from their house... and they were over an hour late meeting us. 2 year olds arent good at waiting round!

I've had this with my family - when I explained that a convivial 3 hour meal starting at 8pm wasn't ideal for a 2 year old, they booked for 7pm instead. He was cranky from the start, asleep on my knee by 8pm, and I had to eat the entire meal one handed while holding a heavy 2 year old up with the other.

Now I just say he won't be coming, and they argue it every time. Because he's 4 now, so clearly old enough to be docile and charming until 11pm whilst being mostly ignored by the adults who insisted on having him present.

Selma - but why, if we are expected to turn up at the time they propose when they plan something, are they allowed to rock up late when we plan it? I object to the double standards - we must accommodate/be flexible for them, but they will not return the favour! It doesn't feel fair.

I usually try and be flexible and considerate though now you've added they've not sent cards for your DCs birthdays then I don't think you should.

I wouldn't encourage your DH to attend on his own. It might be time to stop being so understanding.

If they have DDs then it might take their own DD (your DHs DSis) to have children for them to suddenly change (I've seen a real bias towards blood daughters rather than DILs children, unfortunately).

If they are not accommodating their only DGCs in their events nor even sending a card or present for their only DGCs birthdays then they need a proverbial straightening out rather than you feeling bad.

What did your DH say when they all ignored your DCs birthday?

I would not leave my DCs with random babysitters just to accommodate their selfish events.

scaryteacher None of those things sound brilliant to me. I enjoy an eggs benedict yes. Pastry goods are okay, good ham and cheese is the kind of thing I have every day for lunch, smoked salmon is okay. I cook my own ham fairly often.
I am not knocking that some people love this kind of food, but for me it is not special at all. And it is not what I would want for my birthday meal. If it was your birthday meal, I would go along and eat it to be nice.

We just don’t go. Slightly different in that my dh family have grown up children as they started early with kids and we started late. We just decline. They get the message now and either invite us and it’s child friendly or not and we decline. I also refused to leave my children for whole weekends at a time.

OP I would go to the sunday lunches they organise but arrive just before 3pm.

But if it’s his family why can’t he go on his own? Surely you have enough ‘nuclear ‘family time together.
If you want the kids to know that side of the family invite them for the odd lunch... not all together but say grandparents then maybe siblings.