To be quietly sick of family members organising big (family-wide) events that exclude children

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

We have a toddler (the only child so far on DH's side of the family). His side's approach to life seems to be to ignore presence of child, so family birthday/Xmas events continue to be organised as:

• meals out late in the evening when our child needs to be in bed
• weekends away in locations that are not child friendly with adult activitues that its difficult to do with a child in tow, & with an apparent expectation that our toddler can fit into bizarre irregular meals times & their v adult routine which involves late starts in the morning and staying out late
• tickets to day time events at venues where children are not allowed

AIBU to be a bit tired of this? We don't expect our child to be constantly accommodated & we try to find baby sitting options, but sometimes when we point out that something doesn't include children, family members just seem bemused and don't seem to understand that theres any issue. Am I missing something here?

Could be thoughtless - or maybe the events are in respect of an adult's birthday? TBH I wouldn't want a toddler at a birthday celebration for me - but I don't like other people's children!!!

A one-off can be understandable, but this sounds like a pattern. I wouldn't go; just tell them you can't make it because you're looking after DS. They can work out how to accommodate a toddler into the family or not have the parents along either. Random birthdays don't sound like important things to miss anyway.

It's difficult though.

If they dont have kids, they arent going to want event that have to be banned around kids.

Maybe it'll get better once someone else has a baby? I can imagine it might be quite galling though if by then you have a fairly easygoing school-aged kid and suddenly they're all like "we can't just go to Alton Towers (or whatever), what will X do with the baby?"

Whether or not they have kids, they are being thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Can you DH maybe speak to his parents and point out the issue? See what they say.

If the event doesn't suit you/your family, just don't go. If the majority of them don't have children, they are unlikely to either arrange, or indeed want to arrange, something that suits a toddler if they are going out as a group of adults. Maybe DH could go to, eg, meals out without you?

Redwoodmazza - good point, but there seems to be pressure on us to always attend (and no understanding that sometime we just don't have a babysitter!) This extends to a vibe that we are expected to be willing to leave our 2 yr old with almost anyone with a pulse in order to go out (e.g. random sitters we've never met, friends of friends our child doesn't know). I don't remember having this sort of expectations of friends with children before I had mine, it seemed obvious that occasionally people wouldnt be able to make it, or that it was nice to occasionally swap a late dinner for a lunch to accommodate people

Are you obliged to attend? Can your DH go without you sometimes?

Depends on what it is - Birthday meal out for child-free SIL, fair enough. Book babysitter or just send DH.

Grandma/MIL’s birthday posh afternoon tea after a hike up a mountain earlier in the day - suggest just having tea at home, or whatever.

What are the events for? Are they mostly for people's birthdays or celebrations?

I must admit, most of the things we arrange are not child friendly, because most of the things we enjoy doing aren't particularly child friends, I.e meals at nice restaurants, wine tastings, cinema then pub etc.

Can you plan an event yourself that would be child friendly?

Oh, just ignore the obligation if it’s totally unreasonable. You can say no, or it’s not convenient, unless it’s some sort of milestone special occasion.

It does matter what they expect.

You have a child and you and dh cant say yes to everything. So just send him if you cant

not sure really

I am child free and would have liked to have more to my family - wanted cousins etc.

so if there was a group of family adults who could go out together and enjoy themselves, I'd want to do that - but not with anyone's DC in tow.

it's like when close friends have DC. It's really nice to spend time with your close friend, without the DC. So we have a mix of with and without but being honest, I don't really enjoy the "with"!

None of these things are compulsory though so just don’t go and instead organise your own events for his side of the family . Late nights and odd meal times never stopped us going anywhere though as our dc didn’t have set routines .

We have a mix, but on the group message I just say 'sorry we are a family, its all or none of us'
Funny thing is though, those who continually exclude our children will not get a invite for their children at our very child friendly wedding this year. I will just say sorry, there's already too many children coming.

Do you ever arrange events? It's a bit annoying when people don't ever bother to host or organise, but want other people to do it around their needs

How big is 'family wide'? I think it's unreasonable to expect 15 adults to all do something that's child friendly for your sake, but much less so to expect, say, a meal with you, DH, toddler and your PIL - and no one else - to be arranged to suit a toddler

Funny thing is though, those who continually exclude our children will not get a invite for their children at our very child friendly wedding this year. I will just say sorry, there's already too many children coming.

Is 'petty revenge and point scoring' definitely the vibe you want for your wedding?

Fuzzyheadache so you never do anything without your kids? Ever?

Tbh, I would be quite for it to be nothing and not to go to your wedding at all. Although to be fair I dont mind a child free wedding either I either arrange care for my kids or dont go. No big issue.

I have kids, that doesnt mean I cant ever have something geared more towards adults.

Depends what kind of things they are organising and for what occasions. Bit off for example to expect an adults birthday to be organised around a toddler.
And I am wondering what day events do not allow children?

From the other side, I think you're actually being a little entitled by expecting family members to alter their plans to something child friendly to accommodate one child. I wouldn't want to change the plans to celebrate my birthday from an evening meal / cocktails / concert etc to something family friendly in the afternoon just because some people in my family and friends have children.

If you are the only family members with a child, is it really fair to expect family events to be structured around the needs of him/her?

I hate going out with other people's children. Start arranging some of your own events for times that suit you. I don't think your husbands family are wrong though

We do organise things (barbecues at our house etc) but take up is often low. We absolutely don't expect everything to acommodate our child... but it feels sad when nothing does. It's difficult when you are given tickets as a Christmas present to attend something which doesn't allow children (and there's never an offer to babysit thrown in ). Are there people out there with young kids with unlimited babysitting available?!

OP what kind of events and for what kind of celebrations are things being organised for?

IsitI- but would you then hold it against it we had to say "sorry one of us can't come?" I wouldn't mind at all but we are considered the bad guys if we can't magic away our child to attend every time.

I don't think it's unreasonable for people to want to do child free (or unsuitable) things, especially if it's for a birthday or something, but then failing to understand why you can't make it is pretty dense!