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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

415 replies

Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:38

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

OP posts:

Acis · 04/04/2019 10:29

Does he have to go to work events in the evenings, and does he manage those? I know he will collapse as soon as he gets home, but the fact that he can manage to stay awake if he has to suggests that this is purely a matter of habit.

MissKittyBeaudelais · 04/04/2019 10:33

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0bn5ys4

This should be it. BBC2 HORIZON: Body Clock. What makes us tick?

Roussette · 04/04/2019 10:33

I agree with what a PP said... the more sleep you have, the more you want. He is perfectly capable of functioning on 7 or 8 hours sleep a night, he's just being selfish.

Snog · 04/04/2019 10:35

If you think this is a big issue in your relationship- and I can see why you would - dp needs to take it seriously even if it's not an issue for him personally. This means actively engaging in trying to find solutions.

If he is not bothered when something is an issue for you then the relationship isn't one I would be investing in.

cakecakecheese · 04/04/2019 10:35

My ex husband did this, note the ex part.

MadameDD · 04/04/2019 10:36

I think it's a choice not a medical condition and as Fairylea said on I think third page, he's checking out of this marriage whether subconsciously or not. Personally I think if he 'wanted' to stay up to do things with you that he enjoyed then he would do, after all he is getting up at 6am every day - apart from weekends.

I was wondering - you have a 9 year age gap which is the same as my DB and his DW - they met at the same times as you actually - what do you have in common/do etc? My DB and his DW always had things in common but his DW at one point had a very demanding job with after work socials which meant sometimes she was home at 9pm etc.

I'd get angry with him and issue an ultimatum as this won't get better and if you have DC with him he'll be 'asleep' and checking out of parental responsibilities maybe and then using 'age' as an excuse that he's tired.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/04/2019 10:38

Of course he does domestic tasks badly so that you decide you need to do them yourself! Item one in the lazy, selfish man's handbook.

Don't be his mother, be his partner. If he can't cope with a reasonable conversation about sharing out tasks responsibly and expects 'Mummy' to tell him what to do and be impressed that he's done it then, eww, why would you want to have sex with someone who is mentally a child?

MadameDD · 04/04/2019 10:41

Just read re the chores - I think you're facing an uphill battle here.

Not sure if this is a subconscious thing of him re the sleep and not doing chores well.

I would be tempted to ask him to make some serious changes and give it maybe 3-6 months maybe with counselling too and if this doesn't solve things then LTB.

I'm guessing this is your first or second serious relationship though and his first one, e.g. re living together?

FlapJackered · 04/04/2019 10:41

I haven't read the whole thread so not sure if someone has already suggested this, but this used to happen to me and turned out it was a problem with gluten. I cut out gluten and it doesn't happen anymore. I am not celiac but if I have a pizza/bread etc I pretty much pass out straight afterwards. It may be worth seeing if he will go to a nutritionist to work out if it could be a sensitivity to something in his diet.
I would have an honest conversation with him and say he will have to put in some effort to get to the bottom of why it is happening or the relationship is not going to work.

Seapoint2002 · 04/04/2019 10:42

Maybe try going out and doing something in the evening? Maybe he should gym in the evening or go out and walk or cycle together. Tell him how you feel and if he cares he will want to change. Sitting in front of the TV every day from 7pm is just mind destroying & relationship destroying.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/04/2019 10:45

Did you find out his actual levels when he had all the tests

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/04/2019 10:47

This may sound flippant but I'm serious. Turn off the tv. Do not let him sit down in front of it. My dh has a window of about 10 minutes in front of a screen before he goes to sleep. We can't even go to the cinema! He's fine listening to music, the radio, going out to dinner, but 10mins watching tv and he's snoring.

That said, his disregard for your feelings makes him a bit of a twat.

RosaWaiting · 04/04/2019 10:48

OP you mention the gym

I have a friend whose husband sleeps a lot. but he's also constantly in training for marathons.

it doesn't matter in her case because he does the lion's share of childcare and housekeeping. It did annoy her a bit in the beginning because she feels that she gets home from work, he's out running and then asleep, but in the grand scheme of things, that's okay, because he's doing more than his share otherwise.

but it did annoy her at the start. Also, there's nothing wrong with him but all that training makes him want the extra sleep.

Itssosunny · 04/04/2019 10:52

He is lark, OP but also on the top of it he isn't bothered/interested in finding a solution. He is fine with it. I bet you feel like he is taking you for granted.

Omzlas · 04/04/2019 10:54

Of course he could stay awake if he wanted to - you know, by standing up and doing something, like washing up etc. He chooses not to. Even though the tests have ruled things like low iron levels out, it could be something such as CFS (previously called ME) etc but I'd definitely be pushing for more medical advice, it isn't normal.

Neither is it normal for him to wake up in a shitty mood when you're doing all of the housework around his sleeping carcass. It isn't fair, nor right. Push him to see the GP again, or your relationship will go nowhere and you'll end up resentful of him.

JaneEyre07 · 04/04/2019 11:00

I would lay it out on the line that something has to change. You are deeply lonely and unhappy, and this marriage isn't working for you. Give him the chance to change.

If he can't or won't, then you have to be prepared to walk away. You sound so miserable OP, and life really is too short to be existing in a marriage. Find someone who enjoys your company and makes you feel alive again

Stopyourhavering64 · 04/04/2019 11:06

What was he like before you got married?...is this a pattern that has only developed ?...how is his work life , is he stressed ...did you live before getting married or were you aware that he slept a lot ?
My dh had an extremely demanding job when we were first married ( junior Dr) and would come home in evening and crash ....he eventually had a breakdown and had to change career

Marshmallow91 · 04/04/2019 11:06

Sounds like Hypothyroidism to me tbh.

That's exactly how I used to be before I got diagnosed with hashimotos. I'd like get secondary opinions from docs re thyroid and iron levels. I also second the idea of a sleep clinic. No-one can sleep that much without being able to control it unless there's something underlying.

TheChiefBMS · 04/04/2019 11:08

This sounds very frustrating for you. I must say that it is not normal and doesn't sound like laziness and failure to pull his weight. It could be a medical issue despite the tests. Things like ME (and it is ringing bells for me as I was diagnosed in 2017 with v similar symptoms) are not detectable by blood tests.

Is this a sudden thing? When did it start? Does he struggle at work? Could you surreptitiously ask one of his colleagues if there has been a change in his performance at work? Has his performance at the gym altered?

Presumably it wasn't like this during the early years or you wouldn't have married him. When the changed occurred and whether it is affecting all aspects of his life is key to establishing the cause. It does sound like he is unwell.

AyoadesChinDimple · 04/04/2019 11:11

My OH is up at 5.45. Exercises. Has ridden 13 miles to work on his bike one day this week. Works a full day. Washes some clothes when he gets home. Sits and has tea with me and we go to bed about ten. Admittedly he is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow but what I'm trying to show you is that the life you are living isn't normal.
I appreciate my OH so much because my last partner would sleep all weekend and leave me to bring up our kids alone.
He needs to want to change and if he won't, for God's sake get out now, before you have children. You are entitled to a relationship and you certainly haven't got one right now.

GarthFunkel · 04/04/2019 11:11

He's either

Ill and selfish

Lazy and selfish

It's not much of a marriage, is it, either way.

LillianGish · 04/04/2019 11:17

anything he does do is done so badly that I end up doing it myself - classic way to avoid ever being asked to do anything and you are letting him get away with it. Sorry OP, but the more you post the more I thinks he's just a selfish arse. He can be up bright and breezy for the gym at 6am, but can't keep his eyes open at the other end of the day. It's a choice to snooze while you do all the chores so he can be up early for the gym. As a pp said, he's choosing to keep the hours of a toddler. Why is he even going to the gym every day if he is so exhausted?

LillianGish · 04/04/2019 11:19

I wish people would stop mentioning ME - people with ME are not gym bunnies. They are tired all the time not just when it suits them.

TheChiefBMS · 04/04/2019 11:24

Sorry LillianGish but you are wrong. ME is characterised by a sudden decrease in what a person can do. If someone was already very fit, they can be a sufferer who still looks active to others. The severity of effects varies as well. I have ME. I was a dedicated long distance runner. I cannot run long distances any more and some days (periods of weeks sometimes) I struggle to shower or dress. Some other times I can and do get out and run, albeit less far and less fast.

reallybadinterview · 04/04/2019 11:25

Op he's doing a shit job of things on purpose so you'll do them instead.

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