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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

415 replies

Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:38

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/04/2019 11:27

How can it be a medical condition when he is perfectly able to attend the gym a few times a week?

If you are so depleted in whatever, how can you be up with the lark and exercising?

Surely he's just in a pattern and doesn't choose to get out of it.

I also wonder if he's bored (well you would be if you never do anything) and that also encourages excess sleep. So does dissatisfaction with your life.

But bottom line is, he doesn't' want to find out or do anything about it which makes it a deal breaker really.

Illberidingshotgun · 04/04/2019 11:28

I cannot honestly see what you get out of this. I agree that you should not consider TTC at this time, as, even if he stays awake long enough to conceive, there's no way he's going to help out with a baby at all. You will be doing it all, as well as all the cooking, working etc that you already do.

You need to be totally honest with him about the impact that this is having on you, and that you are seriously reconsidering the relationship based on this. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you he will do anything to try and sort this out. He seems to be doing little to try and solve it, for example has he tried having a strong coffee mid afternoon to perk him up for the evening? If he knows he's going to fall asleep when he sits down, why does he sit down straight after dinner?

Time to stand up for what you want, OP, and the rest is up to him.

TatianaLarina · 04/04/2019 11:32

What are his energy levels like during the day? Does his energy low when he’s awake? Does he get more tired than other people doing everyday tasks?

jay55 · 04/04/2019 11:34

Men who do things badly do you will take over are just shits.

You are so young, don't waste your youth on him. Find a partner who is a partner, who loves you and sees you as an equal.

RosaWaiting · 04/04/2019 11:36

sorry, I missed that he does stuff badly on purpose.

the sleep is irrelevant then! Get rid.

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 11:37

His energy levels are fine in the day. When I’ve confided in close friends and family re the issue, they are always so surprised as he seems to lively...

OP posts:
Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 11:37

*so
not to!

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 04/04/2019 11:37

You have two separate issues.
He has a sleep problem, leaving you on your own. May or may not be his fault.
He also has a shitty attitude, not willing to acknowledge how he is impacting you, not willing to change, not contributing equally to house or relationship, and this stuff is his fault.
I'd say thanks for the memories and get out before you hate him.

RSAcre · 04/04/2019 11:41

If I were to wake him up he’d be in a very bad mood, snappy/angry and would go straight back to sleep. I’ve woken him numerous times by mistake as I’m still busy doing things around the house and it doesn’t go down well.

Florrie - what are YOU getting out of this relationship?
WTF is wrong with him that although you have tried to discuss he doesn't see a problem?
It seems that even when awake he is utterly selfish. He's got enough energy to do exactly as he pleases while you run all the domestic.
When is he giving YOU any attention, support, or love?
WHY ON EARTH are you tiptoeing around eggshells in fear of waking him in case "it doesn't go down well"?

I think his sleep problem is just that - his problem.
Your problem is that you are attached to a selfish fucker who doesn't give a shit about you.

reallybadinterview · 04/04/2019 11:43

It actually kind of sounds like he sleeps to avoid doing anything domestic.

BlueSkiesLies · 04/04/2019 11:45

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant!!!!

SevenSeasofRye · 04/04/2019 11:47

Honestly I couldn’t put up with this. He’s avoiding you it sounds like, and avoiding doing any housework. He doesn’t see a problem and doesn’t care how it is impacting you. I would leave him.

AceOfSpades123 · 04/04/2019 11:51

I guess the question you need to ask is are you willing to waste more years and the best years of your life with a guy like this? I wouldn’t if I was in your shoes. You are incompatible.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/04/2019 11:52

He could be ill, he could also have low levels of something that causes this issue. BUT he’s still treating you with little to no respect, he’s not pushing a possible diagnosis, he’s not helping with the household or chores and you’ve said it’s making you unhappy and he’s don’t trying to rectify that.

For example, my dh starts work between 2 and 3am. When he gets home he makes everyone’s sandwiches for the next day, cleans up after himself and interacts with the dc. He also falls asleep at about 7.30, but that’s only after all the household ‘stuff’ is done.

woollyheart · 04/04/2019 11:52

Does he ever care that much about making you happy? He might have an illness or he might just regard spending time with you as a lower priority than having a good nap.
It sounds like he has the art of getting out of any housework down to a fine art!

Does he also choose what is on the tv before he dozes off?

AngeloMysterioso · 04/04/2019 11:55

I have tried and tried to get him to do more but anything he does do is done so badly that I end up doing it myself

No! Make him do it again until he does it properly!

Mitzimaybe · 04/04/2019 11:56

What exactly are you getting out of this marriage? Sex? No. Companionship? No. Scintillating conversation? No. Is he very rich?

The only time you spend together is your evening meal, which you shop for, cook and clean up after.

He's seen you crying about the situation, but not done anything about it. He claims to be upset about lack of sex, but not done anything about it. He doesn't lift a finger in the house despite you working the same hours he does. If he was remotely concerned about you, he would be going to the doctors repeatedly until he got an answer / solution. Instead his attitude is "this is who I am, take it or leave it." I'd leave it, if I were you. He is a selfish pig who is happy having you as his domestic servant to take care of all his needs while he just indulges himself.

LTB.

Folf · 04/04/2019 11:56

My ExH used to do this. Also note the word 'Ex' in there!

Mitzimaybe · 04/04/2019 11:59

If you are determined to put up with him a bit longer, invite the incredulous friends and family round to yours in the evenings. Different ones every day. Could be for a meal but that will put more work on you, so just say after-dinner drinks. Or get a takeaway. See what he does then, with other people present in an evening.

Acis · 04/04/2019 11:59

If he's energetic during the day, he certainly has enough energy to do housework and concentrate on doing it properly.

If he tends to fall asleep in the afternoons at weekends, I'd suggest you plan trips out in the afternoons - even if it's just to the local garden centre or park - to try to break the habit.

EKGEMS · 04/04/2019 12:00

What you described is awful I'd be long gone and I'd put the divorce papers on his bed pillow considering that's who he's having a relationship with

Shazafied · 04/04/2019 12:01

Dear god op he is just selfish and lazy. I’d resent him and be totally turned off by this.

MadameDD · 04/04/2019 12:02

Just saw that when you confide in your family and friends that they're surprised as he seems so lively - that would be the deal breaker for it for me then - he can turn on lively around your family and friends but not for you?!

I had a boyfriend (not as serious as SO) a few years ago who was overweight and not active - he didn't do gyms etc (used to be a real gym bunny when younger so god knows what happened there?!) - and when I met him he was commuting from South Coast to London - but he did like his sleep - he got up early though. He was always a lazy type though - if he stayed with me - for convenience sake as I lived in London - he wouldn't do a lot but was active as in going out and doing things. At home, he had a teenage son who sometimes stayed with him on weekends but he didn't like cooking for him, left the house in a real state (I only saw it a few times) and garden was bad - could've been nice tidied etc. He preferred to let friends host him and never invited them round. After approx. 6 months we broke up and he eventually met someone (single mum) who cleaned and is/was a carer too but had DC (twins and a DS), they're now married but I spoke to a mutual friend who said he'd stepped up re housework, they have a cleaner, he still tends to be lazy but they invite friends over/host them etc. He just needed a kick up the bum and presumably a nice partner - not me! So people can change, it's a case of them actually wanting to in my opinion/experience!

PregnantSea · 04/04/2019 12:05

If I sit down on the sofa for too long in the evening then I fall asleep. That's why I don't do it until after dinner has all be cleared away and we're all ready for tomorrow
(Washing, packed lunches etc). Also sometimes I feel way too tired for sex but I push myself to do it anyway because I adore my husband and if we didn't sometimes push ourselves when tired we'd have a lot less sex. We always end up enjoying it even if we can both barely keep our eyes open at the start. We're both busy and get tired in the evenings. I think this is an almost universal experience for adults.

He either has a medical problem that hasn't been picked up on, or he isn't making enough of an effort.

Mitzimaybe · 04/04/2019 12:05

Oh and just to clarify - you wouldn't be divorcing him because he sleeps too much, you would be divorcing him because he is an uncaring shit who doesn't pull his weight around the house, doesn't care a fig about your feelings but expects you to tiptoe around him and keep a nice house for him - but silently - while he lazes around in the evening and goes to the gym in the mornings.

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