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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

415 replies

Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:38

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 04/04/2019 10:13

How is going to the gym in the evening going to help? The OP wants more time with him not less?

I suggested it because the routine needs shaking up & if he goes in the evenings he might be awakened by the exercise endorphins! OP has stated that they have 9-5 hours so even if he went for an hour he could be home at 7 ( depending on commute time of course) which, if it meant he would stay awake better would give a decent evening time to about 10pm bedtime.

Acis · 04/04/2019 10:15

When he moans about your lack of sex life, what does he perceive as the reason? Does he realise that his marriage is potentially on the line?

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 10:15

@TheInvestigator I have tried and tried to get him to do more but anything he does do is done so badly that I end up doing it myself, or he forgets to do the task at all. Example being, when he has cleared up after dinner he has failed to see splatters of cooking oil, crumbs on the side and has generally done a poor job. I know I’m making a rod for my own back but it’s easier to do it myself

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2019 10:16

DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV

Sorry but this would infuriate me too. Could you suggest he helps you clean the kitchen rather than leaving it all to you? Then you could talk while clearing up etc.

It does sound like a very lonely life for you. I think he needs further tests and to take this seriously and realise how much it's impacting you.

hobblingawayslowly · 04/04/2019 10:17

After your last update - no. Just no. Do not have a baby with this man.

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 10:17

@acis I’ve explained that him sleeping all the time is the cause. We have a very narrow window of opportunity and believe it or not, I’m not too attracted to someone sleeping all the time! He says he understands, but still moans about it and can’t/won’t improve.

OP posts:
CF43 · 04/04/2019 10:19

Life is too short my friend, why is he going to the gym in the morning surely that just makes him more tired.

I would feel a bit used in this relationship and mine has been alot worse.

eddielizzard · 04/04/2019 10:19

I really don't think there's a medical issue here. I think you're dealing with an extremely lazy and selfish man. He cba to help. And when he does he does it so badly that he knows you'll give up asking him.

Thing is, you're the one making all the effort here. You've told him how much it upsets you yet he carries on not giving a shit. You both have to want to make this work.

Just in case you think a baby might force him to step up, it won't.

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 04/04/2019 10:20

I could do that given the chance. But I'm a woman and we don't get leave to make that sort of decision. Waken him up and start doing things in the evening.

Wallsbangers · 04/04/2019 10:21

He needs putting in the bin OP.

He either needs to step up and do his share (it's not helping, it's his house too!) and show you the respect you deserve or you should cut your losses. Don't have a baby with him, he'd be terrible, unsupportive and actually a danger to your child (falling asleep with a baby is a major risk).

adaline · 04/04/2019 10:21

What's his diet like? Has he had his iron and Vitamin D levels checked?

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 10:22

Thanks again everyone. I totally understand that having a baby would be the worst thing to do, so that certainly won’t be happening. There have been some useful suggestions on here which I will try over the next few weeks, but ultimately I think I know where this is heading. I want to be able to say I really tried, but at the same time I’m not going to throw my life away waiting for someone to change, who either doesn’t want to or isn’t capable of changing.

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 10:24

what is he like on holiday?

RhubarbTea · 04/04/2019 10:24

Oh love I think you have really tried. This situation would send any wife out of their mind. I hope you are able to feel content soon that you have done everything you could, and can move on to a happy future without this millstone bringing you down.

HarrysOwl · 04/04/2019 10:24

He says he understands, but still moans about it and can’t/won’t improve

Sorry OP. From your updates, it doesn't sound good. I think you may need to start thinking about how a separation would look. How does it make you feel if you think about separating?

Provincialbelle · 04/04/2019 10:26

Seriously, you need to move on. The one lesson I have learned in life is don’t wait for someone to change, they never do

Annasgirl · 04/04/2019 10:26

Really OP he is very very selfish. It is all about what suits him, his routine.

In a million years I cannot understand why young women with full time jobs and no kids tolerate their DH doing nothing around the house. And you now he is playing the game of not doing it properly so that you then give up and do it. I mean, he can get his very important job done at work, he can lift weights without dropping them on his foot, but he cannot clean a table?????? He has his cake and is eating it.

You need to get out now, you were very clever stopping the baby plans, I will give you the advise I would give my daughter and sister, leave. He will not improve.

And for all the medics diagnosing rare diseases, the OP's DH is not interested in finding out why is is like this - and it seems it is because it suits him.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 04/04/2019 10:27

The times you've mentioned 9pm- 6am is 9 hours and 8-6 is 10 hours. Just had a look at sleep averages online and for younger adults its 7-9 hours -so it's not overly abnormal. TBH I could sleep for Ireland everyday if I let myself. I think it's habit and many men don't like changing their habits. They just say they can't and the women around them end up changing instead. If I were you I'd give him an ultimatum and then see it through. It's no life for you really. Maybe he really can't change but that means he's not the man for you. Best of luck.

Acis · 04/04/2019 10:27

have tried and tried to get him to do more but anything he does do is done so badly that I end up doing it myself, or he forgets to do the task at all. Example being, when he has cleared up after dinner he has failed to see splatters of cooking oil, crumbs on the side and has generally done a poor job. I know I’m making a rod for my own back but it’s easier to do it myself

For goodness sake, this is entirely deliberate. A grown man is capable of seeing crumbs and oil splatters. You need to call him out on it. I hope you don't wash and iron his clothes?

swingofthings · 04/04/2019 10:27

It's obvious from your posts that you resent him, consider him a slob and that his sleepinrss is laziness rather than a possible genuine medical problem.

Sounds like you'd be better without him and vice versa, it is clearly not working.

Biancadelrioisback · 04/04/2019 10:27

Just to add my own experience of this:

DH is a big sleeper. Always has been. He can literally nap a whole weekend away and is always comfortably asleep by 9pm unless we're out somewhere. He is always tired too. We have a 2.5 yo DS as well.
He was fantastic when DS was little (and still now...somewhat). He did late nights with me and early mornings. We split the all nighters. He was always very aware that DS was the priority. Even now if DS wakes up IF it wakes DH he will get up with him (very rare). Sometimes I have to wake DH up though if I've already been up a few times during the night (I'm a very light sleeper).
I'm older than you but DH is younger than yours. My DH also suffers from anxiety and stress but still managed to not leave me to struggle alone with DS.
We have found ways of spending bits of time together during the day so we drive into work together, we sometimes phone each other on lunch breaks, make sure weekends are family time etc. I've gotten used to the sleeping now and I've found that I'm having more too. I think the more you have the more tired you are somehow as when I used to sleep 5 hours a night I was always full of beans, now I have 8 I'm exhausted!

MissKittyBeaudelais · 04/04/2019 10:28

Can I recommend a programme that was in BBC2 on Monday? It was all about bodyclocks and the mismatch of people whose biorhythm becomes out of sync. I watched it as I have a teenage son who has problems with sleep patterns and I learned some strategies which I’m hoping might help. Will try to post a link (but I’m a bit crap at it!)

TheViceOfReason · 04/04/2019 10:28

In terms of the sleep thing... he needs to get referred to a sleep clinic and get tested for sleep apnoea. My DH used to fall asleep on the sofa all the time, and i wouldn't have said his sleep at night seemed bad... but he was diagnosed with moderate-severe SA and now has a CPAP machine. He now falls asleep very very rarely.

The other issue about him leaving all the chores to you is a separate issue - and one you need to resolve with him.

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 10:28

@HarrysOwl it would definitely feel daunting and sad, but do I believe I could feel happier than this with someone else? Yes. I do love him, and he is a good man in many ways, but I do believe if I were to stay with him I’d be settling and either never having children or living a hellish life trying to cope on my own.

OP posts:
Roussette · 04/04/2019 10:29

I asked about holidays too. If he can manage to function of an evening on holiday he can manage to stay awake at home. I know he's been at work all day but you said it wasn't a physically tiring job.

I would literally wake him continually, sod his tantrum about it. And moaning about it would drive me up the wall. It's hardly effecting him, is it, he's asleep?!

He is sounding more and more selfish. You need The Big Talk. Tell him the marriage is in jeopardy, shock him awake.