To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

[Florriekinsx]

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

What would his reaction be if you started going out in the evenings? Exercise classes, book club, even just to the pub on your own. Would he be annoyed that you're leaving him on his own?

I'd try doing that if I were you. Not to annoy him, but you might as well do something with your evenings. And tell him he's cleaning the kitchen some evenings.

How likely is it that a sleep disorder/extreme fatigue whatever would only take effect when there are chores to be done? He has no problem getting up bright and early for a gym session it seems his overwhelming feelings of exhaustion arise while you are clearing up. I would have every sympathy for a DH with a genuine medical problem, but if he doesn't want to pursue a diagnosis I would be concluding this is just laziness on his part.

Please tell us what he was like pre marriage. How long has this been going on? Obviously do not have children with him, that would be a nightmare situation.

You're only 24. You have ample opportunity to move on from him.

There must be something wrong, that's so far from normal.

Does he wake up enough to go to bed - is he getting quality sleep, or disturbed?

If he did the clearing up after dinner he'd be on his feet, so no chance of dropping off. It might revive him. You cook, he clears up, or take turns doing each, sounds fair to me.

Do you ever go out and leave him to it? Would he mind? Might prompt some action.

But no, no way to live. The failure to pull his weight domestically would be reason alone enough not to stay, or have a baby with him.

The fact he doesn't seem to care abdou having no real relationship with you is another.

On the plus side you're young and have plenty of time to find someone better.

It doesn’t sound like he cares about how you feel, if I was in your situation I’d have one final sit down conversation about how this amount of sleeping is A) not normal B) affecting your relationship C) what the consequences will be if he doesn’t take steps to change and if that doesn’t work then I’d leave while your still young and no kids so you can start again.

Before you cut your losses I’d make sure you’ve double checked on the medical front. I had a similar issue with my dh, he’d always been quite a sleeper but for several years it became a real problem - he blamed it on a demanding job and then young children..he never wanted to go out, was grumpy...it was quite miserable tbh (understatement). He had blood tests done that came back fine and then ‘soldiered on’. It was only when he had a bad respiratory infection and went private for some further tests that it flagged up his thyroid - no idea why it hadn’t shown up on the previous test. They said it would take several weeks for the thyroxine to kick in but by then end of the first he was flying. Obv may not be the same for your dh but did want to give you some hope💐. I also second getting him to a sleep clinic to rule out disorders of that nature. You are very wise to have put off ttc until you’ve got this sorted. If it does turn out just to be him ‘liking his sleep’ or he doesn’t want to take the effort to sort the issue (whether medical or not) then yes, you are better off giving yourself a fresh start. Good luck 🍀

What does he do when he’s at the gym? Is it cardio or weights? If weights, I’d suspect gear. May be wrong and I totally accept that.

I know loads of people get up that early to exercise , or earlier, they're not spending all evening asleep!

Get him to commit to seeing a sleep clinic for some trials. I would put my money on sleep apnea. My OH has this and he was falling asleep whenever the opportunity arose. He has to have his driving licence removed until he was stabilised on a cpap. He has his life back now.

I'd be worried about narcolepsy from him not being able to force himself to stay awake. And that's a very real concern if he drives at all.

That said, it could also be a habit that he's struggling to/doesn't want to break. I LOVE my sleep, I could sleep anywhere so long as I'm horizontal, at any time and for easily up to twelve hours if left to it. I will also fall asleep if I am bored, it's like a screensaver default state for me. BUT, I can also make myself stay awake (if I'm not ill) with willpower and do not leave my husband to get on with everything without me.

I'd push hard to get him into a sleep study. He needs to be on board with trying to fix this too, he surely must realise it is a problem.

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN.

That is all.

Thanks again everyone. If I were to go out in the evening he wouldn’t mind. He’d be quite happy. I have done this in the past and he’s just been asleep whilst I’ve been gone. Whilst I’m quite happy to do this, the issue still lingers.

Why don't you try separating whilst he works on this? Try date nights again, have an evening chat on the phone at 9.30 each night. See if he can commit to changing.

You've said this has gotten worse since you married, so it could be a subconscious "I'm married now, I don't need to try".

Pack a few bags then sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel... You never see him but you're cooking his meals, cleaning up after dinner and doing all his washing. Then you get told off by him because you don't have sex with him enough... but it's impossible because he's always asleep. You literally don't see him awake for anything more than dinner. And you're left with all the work. Tell him you can't have a child in that situation because he gets angry at you when you wake him by accident so what on earth will it be like with a baby because to be blunt, he can't behave like this and you will end up falling apart. You can't have a baby with him. Tell him all of that and then pick up your bags and go stay with a friend or parent or someone. Make a plan for how finances work whilst you're out of the home.

I'm sorry to say it but people like this don't change, so he prepared for the separation to be permanent... especially if you ever want children in a happy home.

For those asking, he appears to have a very good sleep. He isn’t restless at night and always wakes in a very good mood, appearing refreshed.

He's making no effort to do chores or spend time with you, despite the fact you've discussed how you feel with him multiple times. He's had loads of chances to try and make things better. I'd be off. Imagine how you'd feel in 20 years time still putting up with it.

Hes just a lazy pig OP, whatever you do don't have a baby with him. You will end up doing everything and he will be screaming and shouting that his sleep is being disrupted.

Why aren't you answering the questions about evening chores, OP? If he can stay awake for work, for the gym, for evenings out, he can stay awake for washing up.

I don't think he's interested in you or your feelings and wishes. Sorry. He may be depressed, or he may just be perfectly contented with what, for many people, would feel like a very dull and limited existence - work, gym, doesn't even participate in his marriage. But that's his problem (or not) for him to fix (or not, if he's content). You're young, you don't have kids, (do NOT have children with him - if he thinks washing up is too much for his sleep routines, he's not going to cope with children. At. All. You'll be doing it all. And if you are bored, resentful and unhappy about it now, wait till you have a child in the mix. Seriously. Don't do it.) you can get out pretty easily. Look on it as your starter marriage and move on to something better.

And until you decide to leave him, stop cleaning up after dinner. All he does is swan off and go to sleep.

Finish your dinner. Say "I cooked, you clean up". Then get up and walk away. Don't engage with him if he complains. Go for a bubble bath and tell him again "I cooked, you clean up".

He's 34? Has he been married before or in a long term relationship? I'm just wondering whether there's a pattern of failed relationships due to this.

I have answered the question re chores on another page.

He’s not been married before. His previous relationships were under 2 years and he didn’t live with them. So this is definitely his most serious/longest relationship.

If you know anybody with a Fitbit it tracks your quality of sleep. Would he wear one for a few nights? I’m sure someone would lend you one for a short time.

Of course he can force himself to stay awake! And yes, he can help it!

Just don't sit down on that sofa. Do something. Get him doing DIY or go for a walk with him, he's hardly going to fall asleep whilst sawing a piece of wood or walking in the park is he? He sounds bone idle and it would drive me potty.

As for him getting irritable being woken... tough tits. I would keep waking him until he knows he isn't going to slob out for 4 hours in the evening.

What happens on holidays???

Your answer about the chores was simply "he doesn't do much but will put on a wash at the weekend if he's asked".

We are asking Why? Why don't you have a Rota or a list of who does what chore. Why don't you get up from dinner and say "I cooked, you clean up".

Why are you living like this? Can you imagine having children in this life.... can you imagine another 50 years of this?

Does he have enough iron and magnesium?

OP, I think he is one of those people who go to bed early and wake up early. It's their day, their normal day. You are just not compatible in your daily routine.

I know he has had tests through I presume the NHS but did you get the definitive numbers associated with those tests.

Dd was in the same position as your dh.

She started to sleep more and more. Sometimes could sleep for 16 hours and still feel tired.

She had her vitamin D levels tested and was told her levels were normal.

Fortunately a dr friend of hers had said to take no notice of what the NHS say is normal and to get the actual number. For her as a teen he said her levels should be around 120 but the NHS use “normal levels” as those of someone who is much older. So the normal levels are around say 50-60.
Although her Dr friend said he thought that even in old age those “normal” levels were actually quite low.
Her levels which she insisted on being told were 45.

Now if she hadn’t insisted on the number she would still be in the same position.

She is now taking Vitamin D tablets and within the week from starting she was back to sleeping more normally.

I know that thyroid is another one where the NHS have levels that if you went private it would be a sign of a slow acting thyroid