To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

[Florriekinsx]

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

If you get up at 6am , he goes to the gym and he has ? put a lot of energy into work I can understand it BUT Saturday day, night and Sunday daytime you should be having a good time ? has he been tested for sleep apnoea ? I have a friend who falls asleep when her kids are playing fortnite on a 3m tv screen with full surround sound. It went on for years and only when she needed an op did the anaesthetist ask about it...she also had snoring, hay fever and rhinitis...she went for ENT referral and sleep studies...they diagnosed sleep apnoea...she misses trains stops and bus stops...so for her she has to actively manage it and set alarms etc. Doesn't your husband want some fun at the weekend or a nice chat over supper in the evening ?

I just saw the snappy if you wake him up - my ex was like this - I recall one weekend we had a hotel trip away to countryside (he worked for a deal company for travel etc) - I couldn't sleep due to I think a back problem - the amount of grief I got off it because he couldn't sleep and why couldn't I sleep etc?!

Another time - he stayed in my flat and I was having a party later on that day - we'd been out the night before but I had to move things round etc - I asked him to help but no - so I decided to do as I always did, cleaned, hoovered etc and included bathroom. After 2 hours of me doing this he woke up annoyed and snapping at me as hoover in hall and bathroom near my bedroom where he was sleeping was waking him up - different as living room/kitchen were other ends of flat so quieter. I had an argument with him over that and told him to fuck off or help!

Just to reiterate that is virtually impossible to change someone's deeply ingrained sleep habits, and at 34 they will be deeply ingrained. Don't spend too long trying before you escape this dead marriage.

Exactly Mitzimaybe. Having had relationships with several lazy men, I implore you to leave this one and do not have children with him. He's got the energy to do what he wants to do but sees you as housekeeper. He sounds horrendously dull. Life is for living! Go live yours without this sloth

This sounds miserable, OP. You will be happier on your own than you are right now

If he falls asleep on the sofa, does he then move to the bedroom later? Are you in contact with his family, have you chatted to your DMIL about this? I wonder if he's recreating a family pattern where his DM did everything and his DF slept. Also, if you have a good relationship with your DM she might help to give him a boot up the backside.
If you want, you could suggest counselling to try to get him to see the impact this is having and to get him to address why he thinks this acceptable. However, I completely agree that this isn't about divorcing him for sleeping. It would be divorcing him because he's disengaged from the relationship. Sleep is simply the method he's using to disengage and not take responsibility.

Sorry TheChiefBMS not in any way trying to disparage anyone who suffered from ME, but what you are describing is not the same thing at all. The OP’s DH has a routine - gets up early, goes to the gym, goes to work, comes home, eats dinner then falls asleep. His exhaustion is not random - it coincides with the time the OP is clearing up around him. He’s never too tired for his 6am wake up call, he’s not skipping gym sessions or taking time off work. This is the rhythmn of his life.

You’re only 25. This sounds so boring. You could be having such a great time at your age. What a waste of a life, tiptoeing round a silent house every evening, trying not to wake a sleeping man.

Chelseachic - I have snoring and hay fever - doesn't mean to say this man has sleep apnoea - he's just letting himself sleep because as Coronapop says at 34 he has deeply ingrained sleeping habits which will be almost impossible to change.

Many routine blood tests don't pick up every cause - low b12 for one.

I've had fatigue for years. A recent collapse at work and proper head to toe tests in hospital have diagnosed heart failure - mild but enough to cause low bp and oxygen levels. Not picked up on previous ecgs or tests.

I hate reading these threads. I am like your husband and reading comments about you deserving a life, being a carer etc just reinforces for me what a burden I am on my husband.

Your husband might be lazy (though how anyone could sleep that much by choice escapes me) or he could be ill. I wouldn't dismiss illness just because he's had some blood tests at the gp.

@AnneOfCleanTables it varies. Usually he’ll sleep through the night on the sofa in his work clothes. Sometimes he might wake and stumble in to the bedroom. Most nights I go to bed alone.

I have a good relationship with MIL. Unfortunately she waits on FIL hand and foot and was probably the same with DH when he was growing up. So that should have told me what to expect.

I agree don't spend too long trying. He has to want to change or find the cause of the problem. But he doesn't sound bothered.

Some men seem to think that once you're married they can behave how they want. My ex thought I'd never leave him because we were married. For better for worse etc meant he could do as he pleased and make little effort.

How many times a week at the gym?
Could be he is doing too much intensive exercise, then straight into work for 9-5 mentally demanding work - this every/most days of the week would have me zzzzzzing by 7.30pm.

He could be doing the wrong type/duration/time of day of exercise for his life style (married, type of work) & for his age. Perhaps it is time me for a review with a personal trainer at the gym. If he is doing what he has always done, it may well be time for a change. Mid thirties is not old by any means but there is a performance/stamina difference between being mid twenties & mid-thirties. Something for both of you to note.

Sleep apnoea- something for the GP to refer for investigation. Your OH does not need to be necessarily overweight or thickset about the thorax to have sleep disturbed enough to cause daytime sleepiness. Before going the GP for this legitimate concern about his health, I suggest your OH complete the Epworth sleepiness survey

www.blf.org.uk/support-for-you/obstructive-sleep-apnoea-osa/diagnosis/epworth-sleepiness-scale

& take the results into the GP session with him. I also suggest that you do the survey with your observations of him, & compare results- this may be a eye opener for him. If possible, go into the GP session with him. Often the contribution of a partner’s observation helps to reinforce the message that the condition is important.

I also suggest you something as a couple straight after work- like a date. You could take up a weekly dance class that brings you some intimacy as a couple & counts as exercise.

Food & nutrition - again, his exercise & eating could well be mismatched with his body’s need & lifestyle, & his body is demanding sleep to repair. A good trainer will reinforce a sound nutritional routine & avoidance of empty calories, processed foods, caffeine & energy drinks such as RedB.

swingofthings Do you get off on having a go at posters? I've noticed you always take a contrary view of OPs on threads, even when it's obvious that the OP is not being unreasonable. What's wrong in your life, that you have to try to make other people feel bad?

OP try, if you feel you need to, to get him to change, but while you're doing that, start setting the wheels in motion for separating/divorce. Also, stop doing things for him, such as his washing.

MN always ties itself in knots over people like this, Oh, march him back to the GP, he's got ME, he's vitamin deficient, he's depressed . . .

When the real point is, this person sees nothing wrong with his behaviour, had a few tests, considers the matter closed and will never, ever change.

There's no love, respect or even decent sex in this relationship.

Life is way too short for this.

You're only 25.

See a solicitor and divorce him.

Well he needs to go to bed. I don't believe that's a good night's sleep.

If he gave a shit, you could persuade him to stay on his feet - clean up together, then go out for a walk, stop at pub for drink together, or something.

The problem is he doesn't give a shit.

And yes, you should have discussed domestic expectations - and most importantly observed him in action domestically - before marrying. But you know for next time.

Definitely don't have children with this man!

Either he has an issue that would be uncovered with more tests, OR he just loves sleep and doesn't care that it impacts on you.

My OH needs more sleep than me, meaning that I do most of the getting up with the kids and it's hard. But we go to bed at a reasonable time and have a social life, and she really tries her best to compensate for it. Children are so exhausting though, they can break even those who think they don't need sleep that much!

LillianGish, That's ok and I'm sorry if I was curt. I just bristled at the phrase "when it suits". Chronic neurological condition sufferers get that quite a lot.

I do get the point that this young man seems to have a very stable routine, and it doesn't add up. That said, I wouldn't write a medical cause off because what he's doing doesn't sound much like fun either.

I hate reading these threads. I am like your husband and reading comments about you deserving a life, being a carer etc just reinforces for me what a burden I am on my husband.

I’m sorry to hear of your health troubles. But posters on here do have a habit of reading their own life into scenarios that may not be relevant.

OP’s DH does not suffer from fatigue during the day, she has explicitly said so. He’s up at 6am to go to the gym and is generally ‘lively’, he just falls asleep early in the evenings.

Equally, people who do suffer from daytime fatigue don’t necessarily sleep excessively. Some fatigue conditions like ME - cause people to sleep less and the sleep they do have they find un-refreshing.

So many helpful and supportive messages, I’m so grateful :)

I appreciate that there are many people out there who do suffer with sleep problems caused by medical issues, and I think that is a separate issue. Knowing what I know, I really don’t think this is the case with DH. Most of the conditions mentioned here, DH has already been tested for (thyroid, b12, iron, food intolerance etc) and the others mentioned don’t really sound like they fit with his DH’s behaviour/sleep patterns/levels of energy in the day.

The being lively with other people leads me to wonder if he takes in a lot of caffeine - is he more wired than lively ?

I used to work with ‘high-performance’ folk who would gulp down RedB, strong coffee & sugary scoff, then ‘strap’ themselves in to their office chair for a tough day driving their desk. Surprisingly common & it takes a toll on overall wellbeing.The remaining mortals, like me, used to get by as best we could.

He can force himself to stay awake - by not taking himself off to the couch after tea! If I cosy up on the couch in the evening I drop over earlier than I do if I have my cross stitch on the go, so occupying myself during my 'rest' time helps. But you're both young enough, you're not tied to the house in the evening by kids, so surely he could help clear up then you could both go for a walk, or the gym together? There's more to life than sitting on the couch at night!

Your OH does not need to be necessarily overweight or thickset about the thorax to have sleep disturbed enough to cause daytime sleepiness.

OP has already said she has had plenty of time to observe DH asleep and does not think he has sleep apnoea.

My 81 year old father does - and it’s very obvious even when he’s asleep in a chair.

Delay dinner till about 9.
If he won't sleep till feed, make him chat to you, or cook for you.