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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hen party - being told I'm BU

257 replies

samanthajonespr · 03/04/2019 18:21

Best friend getting married, 3 bridesmaids (including me). Chief bridesmaid is her sister in law to be. We've organised a surprise hen party to Cardiff for 10 of us altogether. It's on Saturday, we had 5 twin rooms booked at a hotel for everybody, meal out, activities etc. It was all sorted to be paid for on the day with free cancellation on the rooms.

I'm 31 weeks pregnant, been struggling with SPD which has suddenly got worse this week to the point where I can barely walk. I'm going on the train to Cardiff on a service where I couldn't reserve a seat plus there's lots of walking around the city to do so my midwife has warned me not to go. She says if I keep going at this rate I'm going to end up on crutches. I've voiced my concerns with the bride and bridesmaids in a group chat and they've said that my health and the baby are the most important thing at the moment so are being lovely about me not going.

Then the chief bridesmaid messaged me saying that I'd still have to pay for my share of the hotel room (£80) even though I'm not going because there are no single rooms left for the odd person to take and she can't have a triple room with 2 others as there aren't any available.
Today, my husband, sisters and mum have gone off their heads at me saying I'm a mug for wanting to just pay the money. They don't think I should have to. But I don't think that the girl I was sharing with should have to pay double for her room. I can't see any way around it. Any advice would be lovely as I seem to be on the shitlist because of this Hmm

OP posts:
LunafortJest · 04/04/2019 10:27

@Hugtheduggee Yes I know that. I'm not sure what you're trying to say?

TheViceOfReason · 04/04/2019 10:35

Morally you should pay as you've cancelled last minute - and it's not anybody else's fault that your pregnancy means you can't go, so why should it cost them more.

Yes, it might be nice if they all split the cost amongst them, but i don't think you can expect it. It's the risk you run with these types of things.

Snog · 04/04/2019 10:54

You need to pay on the basis that it is too short notice for the others to find alternative accommodation.

whywhywhy6 · 04/04/2019 10:54

Yep, pay. Hope the rest does you good.

SuchAToDo · 04/04/2019 11:11

It was all sorted to be paid for on the day with free cancellation on the rooms

If it's free cancellation on the rooms then it's not costing them anything for you suddenly not going....so why are they charging you for cancelling on them?

burritofan · 04/04/2019 11:23

@SuchAToDo They're sharing rooms so can only cancel if one more person drops out, I think. £80 is OP's share for half the room.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 04/04/2019 12:44

*I remember when people would stay at a friend or relatives house if they couldn't get a lift back home.... I really don't know when or where that changed. In fact, back then if you suggested you'd stay overnight in a hotel, friends/relatives would say "don't be silly! I have a spare room/sofa, why spend money for a hotel? You're not going to a hotel, you are propping the night at my place. I can show you what I've done with the place. etc"

Not sure why anyone even needs to book hotel rooms. For a wedding maybe, but for a hens night? It has become far more extravagant than the wedding even*

OP has said it is a 3 and a half hour train journey to Cardiff, bit far for a lift back home.

Lyricallie · 04/04/2019 13:31

I’m getting married next year and it going to be an overnighter as I’m coming from the highlands to my home town (6 hour drive). There’s girls coming from London, some from Aberdeen, some from Wales. My wedding is in my home town so that’s where my hen is going to be. It just makes life easier. Also it fun going away with friends for a night. My mum is in her 50s and every year her and her girls for a night away to a nice hotel in the city.

Obviously some people might not want to come because it’s far or not stay over night because they live in that town. That’s cool but for my friends from far away it’s more fun to stay together rather than sending a couple to my mums house, a couple to grans, a couple to my aunties to sleep on couches. That sounds awful.

As I always think to myself it’s an invitation not a summons.

OP: is there any girl in the group you’re closer to that wouldn’t be offended if you mentioned splitting it? Maybe they could put it forward? However realistically if it was me I’d pay as I wouldn’t want to put other people out. With your mum just be like hmm yea I get your point and be non committal and just never bring it up again.

FineFanks · 04/04/2019 13:55

What about a split across all the hens (yourself included?)

Good suggestion, I imagine in will go down like a shit sandwich with the chief bridesmaid but its the fairest way.

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 13:57

No it is not the fairest way. You say you will go, you pay if you can not. You don't make others pay more because you could no longer go.

PCohle · 04/04/2019 14:16

The OP agreed to go (knowing she would be heavily pregnant?) and doesn't appear to have taken out travel insurance to cover the trip.

No it's not her fault she can't go now, but it's definitely not the other attendee's fault either. She became liable to pay when she agreed to go - if that cost can be offset then great, but if it can't then it's definitely her responsibility.

Tiredand · 04/04/2019 17:35

Make sure you get £80 worth of Booze out of them all at the wedding itself.

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 17:40

Why? They owe her nothing.

nuxe1984 · 04/04/2019 18:22

I suppose, in theory, that you should pay.

But why can't the rest of them divide the cost of all the rooms between them evenly. It would work out to be less than £10 each.

That would be a nice gesture, especially you're having to miss your best friend's hen weekend.

chestylarue52 · 04/04/2019 18:35

You can all say 'Oh it's just another tenner each' but I remember being in these situations and saving for months to be able to go for a £200 weekend away. And my heart sinking when people say things like 'oh lets just split the bill' or 'lets all just chuck 15 quid in'. You don't know other people's financial situations.

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 18:37

nuxe Why should they make that nice gesture? Hen parties are usually a mix of women you know well, ones you know a bit, and sometimes women you have never met. This is not a group of very close friends. I would not pay extra for a woman I barely know and maybe do not even like. And that is without the fact that for some of these women the weekend may be closely budgeted for and an extra £10 will have an impact.
I know there are people on here who will just say - it is only the cost of one drink. But if I was going on this I would not be drinking expensive drinks and would be budgeting £10 a night for drinks. I don't drink a lot so that is plenty actually.

TriciaH87 · 04/04/2019 18:39

If the others in the party are decent people they would all chip in a few quid towards the other room and give the bride her own room.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/04/2019 18:43

Yeah I would pay but suggest that the bride gets that room to herself.

EL8888 · 04/04/2019 18:51

I would offer to pay but l like to think the other would offer to split it between them. It’s not a lot when split between a large group

mummyof3kids · 04/04/2019 19:30

If they will be at hotel at beginning of evening could you meet up briefly and then still spend night in hotel?Aso, is there someone who could give you a lift to and from Cardiff?

Reallyevilmuffin · 04/04/2019 19:33

Yeah take a night in a hotel! Perhaps spend some time in the first bar before heading back?

Notfastjustfurious · 04/04/2019 19:33

On side note have you thought of seeing a chiropractor for your spd? I had it with both my pregnancies and it was so painful I was unable to walk any distance towards the end of the first - and for a couple of weeks after the birth. Chiropractor from 25 weeks for the second, as soon as the pain started, and it was stopped in its tracks.

Frazzledstar1 · 04/04/2019 19:44

If it were me I’d just pay. Obviously completely understandable that you’re not going, but seems a bit of a bummer for you room mate to have to pay double now.

Or maybe the 9 hens could split the 5 rooms between them therefore only an extra £10 each for everyone.

But yeah I’m like you and would pay it anyway Wink

Lovely13 · 04/04/2019 19:44

Personally, I would ban hen nights. They’re a new thing. Expensive, awful. Just enjoy the wedding.

Lovely13 · 04/04/2019 19:45

Oh and these ridiculous stag let’s fly to Las Vegas night dos. Bonkers debt after for many. Did they really enjoy it?

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