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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hen party - being told I'm BU

257 replies

samanthajonespr · 03/04/2019 18:21

Best friend getting married, 3 bridesmaids (including me). Chief bridesmaid is her sister in law to be. We've organised a surprise hen party to Cardiff for 10 of us altogether. It's on Saturday, we had 5 twin rooms booked at a hotel for everybody, meal out, activities etc. It was all sorted to be paid for on the day with free cancellation on the rooms.

I'm 31 weeks pregnant, been struggling with SPD which has suddenly got worse this week to the point where I can barely walk. I'm going on the train to Cardiff on a service where I couldn't reserve a seat plus there's lots of walking around the city to do so my midwife has warned me not to go. She says if I keep going at this rate I'm going to end up on crutches. I've voiced my concerns with the bride and bridesmaids in a group chat and they've said that my health and the baby are the most important thing at the moment so are being lovely about me not going.

Then the chief bridesmaid messaged me saying that I'd still have to pay for my share of the hotel room (£80) even though I'm not going because there are no single rooms left for the odd person to take and she can't have a triple room with 2 others as there aren't any available.
Today, my husband, sisters and mum have gone off their heads at me saying I'm a mug for wanting to just pay the money. They don't think I should have to. But I don't think that the girl I was sharing with should have to pay double for her room. I can't see any way around it. Any advice would be lovely as I seem to be on the shitlist because of this Hmm

OP posts:
Isitteayourlookingfor · 04/04/2019 19:46

I would ban them too but they are definitely not a new thing.
It used to just be a night out locally but it’s the whole weekend away plus activities or overseas hen party’s that’s the expensive part. Plus chipping in for the brides share too

mary1066 · 04/04/2019 19:48

It would have been so nice if others split the cost between them to show their compassion and empathy with you since you can't have the fun you expected to have with the. It would have done a world of good for the relationships and friendships between you all. £9.00 extra per person to pay isn't much and if I was there, I'd put it to everyone as a suggestion.

At the same time, I wouldn't have expect them to pay because I can't go. You are very right to have been willing to pay right from the start and your family's totally wrong. They should have supported and respected you for doing the right thing instead of coming down on you like a tone of bricks. You seem such a fair, reasonable and responsible person. Trust yourself more. Best wishes

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 19:55

mary In a hen night the women are not always friends with each other or have any prior relationship. I have went on hen nights where there was the sister of the groom who I have never met before.
And I would pay. The last thing I would want to do is damage future friendships.
Although I am older and learned long ago if you organise a weekend away, you get money from people upfront and make it clear it is non refundable.

m0therofdragons · 04/04/2019 19:57

Why is it okay for the person you'd have shared with to have to pay extra? I can't believe you'd think that was fair. It's unfortunate but I'd never let someone be out of pocket because of me!

shitholiday2018 · 04/04/2019 20:01

Of course you have to pay! Why wouldn’t you, especially as it’s your best friend? It’s not everyone else’s fault you’re not well.

Tubs11 · 04/04/2019 20:23

Couldn't the group split the cost between them? Less then a tenner each that way, but guess you can't say that to them.

PCohle · 04/04/2019 20:35

But why is their responsibility to pay more because the OP can't go?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/04/2019 21:22

Jeez, some of you are so rude to the OP - she's already SAID she's willing to pay, it's her family who are telling her not to!!

Fucks' sake.

SuspiciouslyMinded · 04/04/2019 22:01

OP, I think your family are being very unreasonable here. Would they prefer it if you went and ended up with health problems? If they are so against you paying if you can’t go, it would be nice if they offered to cover your share.

Justgorgeous · 04/04/2019 22:30

You should pay.

Lolwhat · 04/04/2019 22:37

Goes without saying that you need to pay your half really

Brienneoftarthiloveyou · 04/04/2019 22:41

Totally agree that you shouldn't go as your health is more important but you should definitely pay your own way for pulling out at such short notice.

Mcflybumbum · 04/04/2019 22:55

Just wanted to say OP, you have my greatest sympathy. I had SPD with my pregnancy too. People can be utterly clueless of the agony of it. Aside from childbirth itself, I've never known pain like it. I didn't take any medication for it, so really suffered. I ended up on crutches, but tbh I think they made walking even more painful. You need to sit and relax and keep your legs together and take your time
FlowersFlowersCake

Waveysnail · 04/04/2019 23:01

You need to pay

BlueSkiesLies · 04/04/2019 23:03

Course you need to pay for your half of the room! Shame you can’t go and it’s nit your ‘faukt’ but you still need to pay it. Why should the costs go up for everyone else?

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/04/2019 00:07

Yes your health is important and baby

But yes you should agree to pay the room as why should the other lady have to pay more

manicmij · 05/04/2019 00:18

Must be a crap hotel that offers free cancellations yet charges full room rate for a single person in a double room. I stayed at a hotel for a couple of nights two weeks ago. Double room but single rate. There were no singles available. Check with hotel what the free cancellation actually means when they are being so mean.

DonaldTwain · 05/04/2019 00:25

So if everyone here had decent manners this is what would happen. You would offer to pay. They would say nonsense, we will split it between us.
Can I have Mary killen’s Column in the spectator when she retires?

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2019 01:36

Hang on...

Why not cancel the double room, which is free and then rebook a single and then you pay the supplement, which will (hopefully) add up to less than the full £80 you otherwise owe?

Alicewond · 05/04/2019 01:44

I would pay, I committed and knew the cost. No ones fault

PerspicaciaTick · 05/04/2019 02:09

You are definitely right to offer to pay....but it would be lovely if the rest of the group offered to chip in a bit each to cover at least some of the cost.

strawberriesandsugar · 05/04/2019 05:25

They paid for a double room at the time to accommodate you as you committed.
You have to pay.
Sorry you're having a bad time. It sucks but definitely you should pay.

BloodsportForAll · 05/04/2019 05:37

It's obvious about the paying.

I just wanted to say, my youngest is about to turn eight, and I have chronic problems with my pelvis and lower spine because of SPD which wasn't treated properly by the people who were supposed to take care of me. It also would not have been like this if my abusive ex hadn't forced me to walk everywhere and at a ridiculously fast pace I struggled with. Please, please look after yourself.

Dillydallyalltheway · 05/04/2019 07:58

Unfortunately I agree you will need to pay at such short notice, unless the price is for the room and not “per person” I wasn’t aware. That many hotel Charged by person anymore but I could be very wrong about that.

AnnaSteen · 05/04/2019 08:51

You need to pay. When a friend dropped out of my sister in laws hen due to pregnancy she paid her full share and sent money for a drink for the bride on her. She wouldn’t have lots of cash but it was the decent thing to do - otherwise I, as chief organizer, would’ve had to either pay myself her share or negotiate getting extra money off the others to pay her share at short notice after telling them the hen costs x. Hen parties are planned in advance so the money side can be organized and split between the group. You commmitted to going and cost and rooms were organized to include you. If you can’t go now that’s absolutely fine but to drop out and expect the others to stump up extra cash is so unfair. If you weren’t going they could’ve booked a single room when one was available for the extra person so you are the reason the extra cost is there and you should cover it.

I have committed to a hen end May and now am not sure if I can go for health reasons and I will be paying the full price for me regardless because I said I was going and they made their plans and costing with me included.

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