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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen party - being told I'm BU

257 replies

samanthajonespr · 03/04/2019 18:21

Best friend getting married, 3 bridesmaids (including me). Chief bridesmaid is her sister in law to be. We've organised a surprise hen party to Cardiff for 10 of us altogether. It's on Saturday, we had 5 twin rooms booked at a hotel for everybody, meal out, activities etc. It was all sorted to be paid for on the day with free cancellation on the rooms.

I'm 31 weeks pregnant, been struggling with SPD which has suddenly got worse this week to the point where I can barely walk. I'm going on the train to Cardiff on a service where I couldn't reserve a seat plus there's lots of walking around the city to do so my midwife has warned me not to go. She says if I keep going at this rate I'm going to end up on crutches. I've voiced my concerns with the bride and bridesmaids in a group chat and they've said that my health and the baby are the most important thing at the moment so are being lovely about me not going.

Then the chief bridesmaid messaged me saying that I'd still have to pay for my share of the hotel room (£80) even though I'm not going because there are no single rooms left for the odd person to take and she can't have a triple room with 2 others as there aren't any available.
Today, my husband, sisters and mum have gone off their heads at me saying I'm a mug for wanting to just pay the money. They don't think I should have to. But I don't think that the girl I was sharing with should have to pay double for her room. I can't see any way around it. Any advice would be lovely as I seem to be on the shitlist because of this Hmm

OP posts:
Milly90 · 03/04/2019 18:57

Yes you pay
The same thing has just happened to use on a recent hen do.
Two ladies dropped out
One paid and one didn't and we really resented having to absorb this cost and its affected our friendship really. May sound dramatic but we feel she just came across very entitled that she shouldn't pay

Bottom line is everyone budgeted their amounts and now need to pay more because your dropping out is not on so you pay your end

Socksey · 03/04/2019 18:57

Sorry.... but with this short notice you are BU.
Similar happened to me this month. I had to pull out at the last minute. Paid my dues and stuck a few quid in so they could but bride a drink on me....
If it was weeks ago it would be different but it's too late to change the booking and expect everyone else to shoulder the cost.... even if you think it's not much shared between them....

Hadalifeonce · 03/04/2019 18:58

I would call the hotel and explain the situation
If it's a twin room, there might be some wriggle room re the cost of the room.

clairemcnam · 03/04/2019 18:58

stealth Agree if that is possible. It is actually pretty standard in lots of hotels though to have no single rooms and you pay the same for 1 or 2 people, plus breakfast. So depends where they have booked.

StealthPolarBear · 03/04/2019 18:58

Good point, apologies.
I suppose her family are hearing 'free cancellation' and not appreciating the issues.

mummmy2017 · 03/04/2019 18:59

Please don't go, your baby is worth more than a weekend away.
Since it is so close and you have the money, just pay it.
Yes I know it is unfair on everyone.
Is there no way someone could take your place and be willing to cover the costs?

PinaColadaPlease · 03/04/2019 19:00

Who do your family think should pay?

I can't imagine that you wouldn't get given a seat on the train. If you feel well enough have you considered going and just chilling out at the hotel and only attending the meal?

StealthPolarBear · 03/04/2019 19:00

And in fact if the hotel has single rooms but they're all booked, they might have a cancellation on the day

cliquewhyohwhy · 03/04/2019 19:01

I'd definitely still pay not worth the fallout if you don't.

onceandneveragain · 03/04/2019 19:01

Agree with everyone else sorry. If the room wasn't pay on the day and you'd paid up front then you wouldn't expect your money back, would you? If it was the other way around, and the girl who you were going to share with had dropped out I bet you wouldn't have been very happy about paying double for a room. Who exactly do your family think should pay for it if not for you?

Is there any possibility that anyone else will drop out, bringing the number back down to an even one?

Although....If it's a surprise hen party how come the bride knew enough about it to be okay with you not coming when you told her?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 03/04/2019 19:02

Another vote for you should pay. It would be wrong not to, you had committed to it.

Not that you need to use the room as you are paying but any chance of you joining for part of it (not the long walk but dinner? Breakfast? Lunch?

Nevth · 03/04/2019 19:03

I agree with you OP, of course you should pay.

Would be interested in hearing why your family/PPs thinks you shouldn't though? The commitment has been made, everyone has budgeted accordingly.

HauntedPencil · 03/04/2019 19:03

I couldn't go to a hen when I was pg but as it was booked I still paid.

I think it's the right thing to do, unfortunate but otherwise other people would lose out.

I think that's the thing that's usually done if someone needs to drop out at short notice.

No chance or anyone else taking your place?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 03/04/2019 19:03

I think you have to pay tbh.

I missed my friend's hen night as DS was in hospital, and I paid her the money for my ticket as she couldn't get anyone to take it at such short notice. I didn't think it was fair to expect her to be out if pocket.

TheCraicDealer · 03/04/2019 19:04

I pulled out of a hen in London with about a month to go (no medical reason, just skint as my own wedding was two months away!) and still offered to pay my share of anything that had been booked. The chief bridesmaid didn't take me up on it, but given the circumstances in your case I would pay up.

Dippypippy1980 · 03/04/2019 19:04

Your family don’t sound very nice.

They have gone off their heads at a pregnant sick loved one, who is simply honouring her commitment and not expecting her friends to take the hit on her behalf.

Stick to your guns - and don’t let your family bully, belittle or critics the choice you make. You are an adult.

burritofan · 03/04/2019 19:08

Can you & the other 8 hens, not inc the bride, split the £80 between you and give the bride the single room as a gift?

Otherwise I do think you have to pay, even though it's tough luck.

Luckyduck88 · 03/04/2019 19:08

You should pay

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/04/2019 19:09

I was one of the other hens, I’d suggest we split the cost of your place. It’s only an extra £10 each.

I was thinking something along these vibes. It's only the price of a fancy drink each.

However, I wouldn't ask them - they'd really have to offer. But it would be lovely if they did. It's not as though you've cancelled on a whim - you have no option.

If they don't offer though, you'll have to pay.

Original poster
samanthajonespr · 03/04/2019 19:10

Unfortunately, the train journey down to Cardiff is 3.5 hours so it's not like I can just go down for the evening. My family are tight sods but if they were in my shoes, I think they would pay. They maybe would enjoy the drama if I didn't pay Confused
I'll wait until Saturday to pay it just in case someone else drops out but I'm fully prepared to pay

OP posts:
Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 03/04/2019 19:12

If this was my friends we would all be happy to pay £10 each (excluding the bride) obviously that's if we could all afford it.

It's not like you've just decided not to go, you are ill it's outwith your control and in my friendship group that would be recognised.

altiara · 03/04/2019 19:13

I wouldn’t ask the other hens to absorb the cost, i know it sounds low, but there are so many threads where hens complain about costs/hidden cost and how it mounts up. It’s just not fair if someone has budgeted for exactly what they think they need and the goalposts change again.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/04/2019 19:14

I think you do have to pay at short notice... BUT lots of good advice here about ringing the hotel yourself and also finding out what happens if someone else drops out as there is free cancellation..or whether they can organise something which cuts the bill for you (( who knows whether the head bridesmaid has actually thought of all these questions and asked them or just made the assumption)
I hope you feel better soon Flowers

ScarletBitch · 03/04/2019 19:14

Sorry but you agreed to go when it was booked. Why should the other Hens pay your share? As much as you have my sympathy you have to see their POV. Perhaps pay half, or even try attend. You have 9 more weeks to go, life still goes on!

Romax · 03/04/2019 19:17

Not for one nano second would I hesitate to pay

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