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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Creepy commuting

241 replies

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 12:09

Is it just me who keeps meeting creepy men on her commute to work?!

Today the checkout assistant in my regular sandwich shop told me he'd seen me somewhere before.

Yes I said, here, where I buy my lunch before work.

No, somewhere else he says and proceeds to ask where I work, he says he lives near there and how do I get there from the shop?! Then says he might see me later. I said he might not and scarpered. Asking all those questions made me wonder if he was planning to stalk me.

A few weeks ago, a bus driver in a parked bus shouted at me. I stopped and he said you look beautiful. Thanks. I really wanted a random man to validate me. Ugh.

There's another creepy man who gets my usual bus who used to talk to me all the time until I blanked him enough for him to get the message. Plus a creepy security guard at work, who has now left.

I must have a creepy man magnet somewhere on my person. I wish I could turn it off. Argh.

OP posts:
bumblenbean · 03/04/2019 21:35

This happened to me a fair bit from teenager to about 30... now older and a stone (or two) heavier not so much. Hmm When I was really young and insecure it did seem something of an ego boost, even though they were no doubt saying the same to all and sundry! Now when I see men sleazing over young girls I can see it for the creepiness it is.

A security guard in the offices where I used to work in my 20s was very chatty, maybe a little over friendly but I thought he was pretty harmless. He turned out to be a complete wrong ‘un... got fired for basically harassing/ perving over the female staff. Quite depressing.

CheshireChat · 03/04/2019 21:35

And the more men act entitled and even aggressive, the less will women be willing to interact. Sorry, I don't really care Patrick is actually nice, but a bit lonely, I've encountered too many other 'Patricks' who were arseholes so I'm quite circumspect now.

IM0GEN · 03/04/2019 21:41

I love the way that some of the men of this thread are busy telling all the women how their lifetime of experience of sexual harassment is wrong.

While as the same time claiming to listen to and be respectful of women.

It’s not working guys. You are just being an arsehole here which makes me pretty sure you are one in RL too.

CheshireChat · 03/04/2019 21:46

Well, there was one lonely voice who sympathised.

vintanner · 03/04/2019 22:03

Used to happen to me all the time, I called them my close encounters. OAP asking me to join him for a cup of coffee
Foreign gentleman trying to get me to follow him - no no NO!
Just a couple of my encounters, I really should have noted them down and written a book!

Actionhasmagic · 03/04/2019 22:10

It’s so obvious I agree. Not chatty, or feels uncomfortable

KittyLane1 · 03/04/2019 22:13

SirVix ( love the name)

That's awful, your poor friend. I just didn't know how to react, I felt like crying.

The guy I spoke to at the bar just seemed so normal, seemed nice, harmless, totally chilled out and then he snapped.

I also had a man steal my shoe and run around me all night calling me Cinderella but I think he was just pissed Grin

Mother87 · 03/04/2019 23:21

BussellsGrin

Reminds me of going into a 'posh'/poncey bar in London with a girlfriend... we're quite ahem 'mature' but were all scrubbed-up/well-presented (we thought) We got shoved out of the way/elbowed/totally ignoredConfusedthere were lots of men our age/older so it wasn't a very young persons place... we reckoned we could have gone in there nekkid and nicked everyone's wallets we were THAT invisibleGrin

OVienna · 04/04/2019 00:00

@Cocolepew yup, 'jealous' you're no longer the target of their predatory bullshit. Honestly, on my deeply deeply peri/menopausal state I could go Kill Bill on the "Smile" set.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 04/04/2019 00:37

It's not rocket science and these faux blokes who are just sooooo perpetually confused are infuriating.

For the really, deliberately stupid:

If she is avoiding eye contact, she's not interested.
If she catches your eye and smiles warmly, feel free to say hello.

If she crosses her arms, turns her body, looks intently at her phone/book/nails/out the window - she's not interested, leave her alone.

If you're in a situation and feel confused just remember this simple tip:
She doesn't owe you shit. Not a smile, not a 'chance', not a conversation, not attention. Disregarding her signals and demanding any of that from her is an immediate boundary violation and red flag. Don't be a creep.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 04/04/2019 11:19

I agree @ALittleBitofVitriol - it's amazing how many men seem to have such awful social skills that they don't know the difference between friendly chat and harassment. It goes into even more ridiculous territory when it comes to sexual assault - it seems there's a fairly substantial number of men out there who are completely unable to tell the difference between a woman who is keen, engaged, happy, having fun, and a woman who is shut down, afraid, disengaged and unhappy. What boggles me is that these men seem perfectly capable of having a meeting with other men, being friends with other men and acting essentially normally. It seems to be only when it comes to women that they completely lose the ability to read another person's cues and to avoid groping them or sticking things into their body. Funny that.

RosaWaiting · 04/04/2019 11:21

Kitty and Vix

wondering what the response was of people around you?

so sorry that happened to you and your friend.

I stopped going to nightclubs way before I actually wanted to stop, because the behaviour of men was just awful. I definitely think it got worse over the years, but I do also think there was a resurgence of misogyny and general awful male behaviour.

buzzbobbly · 04/04/2019 11:38

it's amazing how many men seem to have such awful social skills that they don't know the difference between friendly chat and harassment.

Oh, that type of man knows! They simply think they are entitled to your time and attention whether you like it or not.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 04/04/2019 11:56

alittlebitofviterol

Interesting you whoukd say that

In my late 30's i used to go clubbing with a friend

She was single and i was married

She got loads of attention, always got a dance and a snog, always a few men chatting her up

I made a comment along the lines of her being very attractive and popular because she got a lot of (wanted) attention

And she said i was getting attention too...its just that i was shutting eye contact and body language down (without realising it) and showing definite signs of not being interested

It was interesting at the time

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 04/04/2019 11:57

I dont mean popular

I probably mean friendly/effervescent/bubbly/ a good laugh

Something like that

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 04/04/2019 12:04

it's amazing how many men seem to have such awful social skills that they don't know the difference between friendly chat and harassment.

They aren't interested in being friendly or sociable, they've already decided want something from you before they know you. We pick that up and thats why its creepy.
Its forced intimacy from a stranger, and its disconcerting.

Sarcelle · 04/04/2019 12:45

You can always tell who the creepy conversationists are. You can have a guy just randomly passing the time of day which is fine. But the ones who try to prolong a conversation by asking personal questions (like OP example), or interrupting somebody reading or wearing headphones (entitled much?) is another matter and is being creepy and trying to hit on the target.

For those people who think that somebody shouting a so called compliment at you is in any way positive must mourn the day when Benny Hill got dropped from the schedules.

Sarcelle · 04/04/2019 12:48

I used to get bothered a lot, but strange how I can go about my business without any chit chat from male strangers now. I wasn't Samantha Brickesque, just young. At the age where arguably I would have much more of interest to say conversationally, nobody wants to chat! Odd.

KittyLane1 · 04/04/2019 13:26

Rosa my friends were horrified but no one around us even looked up.

I didn't know what to do, I just stood there for ages, sopping wet and trying not to cry.

We left right away l. I am normally assertive and confident but it made me feel so small and worthless

BlooperReel · 04/04/2019 14:09

Fucks me off no end when men minimise or deny this shit happens. Try fucking listening, there are umpteen different women, from all over the place on this one thread, telling you this is commonplace. It happens every day, to thousands of women.

From the age of 11 right up to now, just looking at my personal experiences:

Asked if my boobs are real, and can they feel them (by a man)
Had a man try and shove his hand up my skirt walking up a flight of stairs.
Bum pinched/slapped walking through a packed bar a countless number of times (all by men)
Been shouted and whistled at from vans, cars, bikes (all by men) countless times.
Groped on the stairs of my building at age 14 (by a boy from school)
Had water chucked over me every summer in secondary school in an attempt to get my shirt to go see through. Had to wear vests underneath all summer. (by numerous boys)
Called a MILF when pushing my baby in the pram and walking along with my then toddler (2 separate occasions, both men.)
Propositioned by a guy in the post room at work.
Sent dick pics twice on FB by complete strangers(only ever happened when my profile pic has been changed to one of me alone).
Had my friends boyfriends mate try to get in my room at uni at 4am after a night out (the mate was going to sleep on the sofa in our shared lounge) saying he could 'share' my bed (was told to fuck right off).
My friend and I, on our way home from a night out came across a guy on his own, a bit drunk with no shoes on, it was -2 so we were concerned, took him back to our flat gave him a hot drink and let him use the phone, he asked to use the loo, so I let use my ensuite (no shared bathrooms) and he stole my underwear from my draw and left via my window.

That is not an exhaustive list by any means. this is the experience of one female, over a couple of decades. Imagine the reality of millions of women.

BlingLoving · 04/04/2019 14:27

Asked if my boobs are real, and can they feel them (by a man)

I've had this, many times. The worst though were the two separate occasions random men have just grabbed them while I was walking past. In itself, annoying but almost expected (sad, but true). But on BOTH occasions, when I shouted at said man (as he, of course, wandered off completely unconcerned) the people I was with told me to calm down and not make a scene. I kid you not. Annoying enough on a night out but when coming down the stairs at a tube station at rush hour... I'm still incandescent with rage when I think about it now...

Sarcelle · 04/04/2019 14:42

As I said down thread, now I am older I don't get much attention compared to my younger years when I have experienced the gamut from mild comments to somebody trying to put their hand in my knickers.

I am 53 now, when I was in my late 40s, in my local High St there were three guys in their early 20s sitting on a wall. I was walking towards them and one of them said, look at her tits. Another one said I would smash that, with a bag over the head obviously. Said deliberately so I could hear, definitely aimed at me, I was the only one near them and they were looking at me. To my great shame I said nothing. I wasn't upset about the bag over head comment, it was that they saw me as a piece of meat, even at the age I was. But then in the main, that is what we are to a lot of men.

Middle age brings a lot of crap but the cloak of invisibility has been most welcome. I don't like men very much.

RosaWaiting · 04/04/2019 15:31

Kitty I'm sorry for that.

I haven't been clubbing for about 10 years now, but I can say that me and my friends would have been "helping" as much as we could. Of course it might not make a difference, I know I'd feel so threatened I'd have to go home.

My mum has told me that creepy bloke stuff didn't stop till she was about 70 - at which point she still looked 60. I too thought that being my age (43) would stop it but it doesn't. I think being short and petite is a real problem - men are looking for the easy victims and "small" registers with them.

Livingoncake · 05/04/2019 04:02

Sarcelle - what could you have said? They are oxygen thieves and anything you said would have simply invited further arseholery from them. Sorry they did that to you.

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 05/04/2019 04:40

Can any of the "they're just making conversation" people tell me why this doesn't happen to me now I'm older?

Just seems a coincidence how in my 20s I was fending off all of these conversational men with a stick but 20-odd years later these interactions are very few and far between.

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