Creepy commuting

[Shoxfordian]

Is it just me who keeps meeting creepy men on her commute to work?!

Today the checkout assistant in my regular sandwich shop told me he'd seen me somewhere before.

Yes I said, here, where I buy my lunch before work.

No, somewhere else he says and proceeds to ask where I work, he says he lives near there and how do I get there from the shop?! Then says he might see me later. I said he might not and scarpered. Asking all those questions made me wonder if he was planning to stalk me.

A few weeks ago, a bus driver in a parked bus shouted at me. I stopped and he said you look beautiful. Thanks. I really wanted a random man to validate me. Ugh.

There's another creepy man who gets my usual bus who used to talk to me all the time until I blanked him enough for him to get the message. Plus a creepy security guard at work, who has now left.

I must have a creepy man magnet somewhere on my person. I wish I could turn it off. Argh.

A friend of mine was glassed in a nightclub and my mother was punched in the face when she said she was tired and didnt want to dance

I had a man grab my hips from behind and grind against me, I told him to get off me and he punched me full in the face and then screamed “Do you want some more?”

This was watched by many other men. The group of men nearest to me did nothing until the man left, then asked if I wanted to go home with them so they could cheer me up, while I stood there bleeding and crying.

So really it’s hardly surprising that women assume men will react badly, as they so often do, and it’s much safer to assume the worst.

When I was a student, there was a guy in my social circle who, on nights out, used to grope me, grab my boobs, scream in my face. He was far, far stronger than me, it was horrible and actually painful. This happened on more than one occasion, and I would go home early, in tears.

Oh but don't worry! It was okay! Because John was, apparently, 'gay' and 'just like that when he's drunk'.

I look back in utter disbelief and horror that everyone (men and women!) was so ready to excuse him.

At the bus stop a couple of days ago there was a pretty, young woman. A couple of older (unkempt and a bit smelly) men were trying to strike up a conversation with her and she was giving off all the 'I don't want to talk to you vibes'. There were two other men at the stop. I didn't feel confident to say anything as the men were quite huge but I did move myself to stand next to the woman and then the blokes backed off and left her alone.

Salt and Time40. Why would you do that? Why would you disregard the real life experiences of women on this thread who are telling you what has happened to them?

Are you so lacking in sensitivity? Devoid of empathy for the experiences of others that were uncomfortable, embarrassing and upsetting?

YY to the posters saying that the men on this thread berating women for their interpretation of some fairly horrible scenarios are being the creeps with the sickening behaviour they are so quick to refute. Creeps! Women can also be creeps. These would be the ones with the "Well it didn't happen to me" shtick.

Wow there are some really creepy incels on this thread. Their arguments that it is only chatting and women should be ok with it, makes them look like entitled misogynistic pervs. Fuck off with your NAMALT.

@RosaWaiting

My impression from speaking to him is that he chats them up with the " I'm just a friendly person, me" vibe, and by the time he asks them for their card ( on the pretext of needing their company's services, maybe?) because they are probably nice women who have been conditioned not to cause a fuss they give in and give him their (work) details. Or yes of course, they could be wearing Lanyards.

This is all conjecture on my part of course, but having been in so many similar situations over the years it just sets my creep alarm clanging.

When commuting our family has a code word when you think that you might be in danger,. Deployed by conversation or text, they are met at the tube station ( wait in the lit station building if they had to, until confirmed the person collecting is outside ) don’t go near their own car and get dropped back to station the next morning. Used twice in ten years but both times absolutely the right choice.

I remember having a client meeting with my bosses boss very senior. We walked back to the office together. He said “mstswift can I just say something?” I was all ears expecting some career advice or pearl of wisdom “your figure for me is just perfect. Curvy but not too curvy. Slim just the ideal really”. I was 25 and gorgeous he was 55 short and bald. FUCK OFF!!! But couldn’t say that obviously. I was - though. I hate men sometimes.

I got licked on the tube once. Busy train, stood holding on to a pole, man opposite me also stood (facing me) holding the pole. Kept trying to make eye contact and smiling at me. Then just before he got off as the doors were closing he licked my hand. Eurgh it was horrible. Thankfully though that is my only bad experience commuting.

I LOVE that Rock test. I used it to explain how to be respectful to a sweet but clueless young male employee. He was lamenting he darednt Chat anyone up post ‘me too‘ I told him the simple secret. If you wouldn’t say it to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, then don’t say it to a randoms woman you have just met.

So there you go! You’ve learned the quick and easy way to interact with women without behaving inappropriately. Simply offer them the same respect, admiration, and healthy dose of fear you’d offer anyone who could completely destroy you should you deserve it.

That last sentence nails it. We have something the creeps want (well, I did have but at at 47 and 2 stone overweight, I don’t anymore..) and we physically cannot stop them should they decide to try to take it.

The “just making conversation...” mentioned by that pp - I live in Wales, I was a teenager in Wales. Yes we tend to talk to strangers far more than the English.
No the creepy, pushy, initimidating and frankly frightening men who so wanted to “make conversation” with me when I was a younger woman had no other agenda at all, just jolly fellow Welsh people looking for a nice young woman to chat to.

Just throwing this in from the New Yorker

"Do you think that it is ever acceptable for a man (stranger) who finds you attractive to approach you in public and attempt to engage in conversation?"

Yes of course it is acceptable, provided that the person approaching does not (a) shout (b) leer (c) make personal comments before any rapport is established (d) linger if not encouraged (e) become abusive if not encouraged or (f) otherwise feel entitled to have their interest reciprocated.

Pretty simple. Surprised you couldnt work it out yourself tbf.

Do you think that it is ever acceptable for a man (stranger) who finds you attractive to approach you in public and attempt to engage in conversation? - and that's the thing though - HE finds you attractive, therefore you should be flattered, and coy, and happy, and respond accordingly to his advances. Whether YOU find him attractive, or want his attention AT ALL, is not in question.

We are supposed to be flattered that someone, anyone, finds us attractive enough to shout at, leer at, talk to in a way in which WE DO NOT have a say.

That is not a compliment.

men are looking for the easy victims and "small" registers with them

^^This. Not just small, but vulnerable in any way.

I'm tall, and walk confidently. The only time I've had trouble was when I'd had an accident and broken my wrist but didn't realise it - and I was feeling 'injured' and unsure of myself. Two guys were dicks to me in a single day. Twenty years in London, and that's the only time (I've had a few comments over the years, but nothing nasty like I experienced that day)

Nice men I tell this to don't believe me, or think it was a coincidence. But I'm certain that there's a significant minority of shitheads out there who have a radar for vulnerability, and will close in like sharks if they sense it. If you rarely show vulnerability, you won't even be aware they exist.

This absolutely does not mean it's the woman's fault, or that she could prevent it in any way.

I am also tall and have a brisk, confident walk, but I was constantly hassled as a younger woman. I did look younger than I was though, that might have been a factor. I am also small framed and so didn’t look particularly robust.
Now realise that all that is so obviously predator/prey.
The hassle really eased up when I had babies and was always pushing a pram or holding a toddler. So nothing, clearly, to do with “making conversation” .