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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Creepy commuting

241 replies

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 12:09

Is it just me who keeps meeting creepy men on her commute to work?!

Today the checkout assistant in my regular sandwich shop told me he'd seen me somewhere before.

Yes I said, here, where I buy my lunch before work.

No, somewhere else he says and proceeds to ask where I work, he says he lives near there and how do I get there from the shop?! Then says he might see me later. I said he might not and scarpered. Asking all those questions made me wonder if he was planning to stalk me.

A few weeks ago, a bus driver in a parked bus shouted at me. I stopped and he said you look beautiful. Thanks. I really wanted a random man to validate me. Ugh.

There's another creepy man who gets my usual bus who used to talk to me all the time until I blanked him enough for him to get the message. Plus a creepy security guard at work, who has now left.

I must have a creepy man magnet somewhere on my person. I wish I could turn it off. Argh.

OP posts:
Cocolepew · 03/04/2019 16:33

My 17 to DD was looking at magazines in Asda, I was close by. Some bloke, older than her Dad, decided to tell her to smile.
She turned her back on him and he said, "come on love cheer up".
At this point I told him to fuck off and leave her alone. Obviously this made me out, to him, to be old and jealous because she was getting his attention Hmm.
He didn't think to tell the 3 blokes in the same aisle to smile or cheer up.

AhhhHereItGoes · 03/04/2019 16:37

It's likely they are socially awkward rather than going to stalk you/trying to make you uncomfortable but still crap nonetheless.

Maybe just have some prepared responses you can spout out.

I seem to attract them too as well as drunks and people who want to tell me their life story. Though the latter has been interesting with some elderly persons who have lived interesting lives.

VictoriaBun · 03/04/2019 16:38

Haha it resonated with me when other people say it happens to the young(ish) only. Used to get that when I was younger. Nowadays I get called lovey or dear !

AhhhHereItGoes · 03/04/2019 16:39

Also being fat doesn't stop it. I'm a size 14/16 at 5ft so

Bellasorellaa · 03/04/2019 16:41

men dont seem to understand how annoying this is

i dont need to know you find me attractive, you dont need to tell me, i have no idea why they proceed to tell you you're sexy ect

and i hate all the questions too its non of your business

they find it friendly its not, its annoying and weird thats why i dont care when i hear straight men being harassed by gay man, now they know how it feels for woman

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 03/04/2019 16:44

ok, so it's reading body language first.

i think that's fair.

unfortunately i think a lot of men are:

  1. shit at reading body language
  2. aren't shit at reading body language, but have an inflated sense of self-worth, so think it's worth a shot

when i was younger, i used to get a lot of attention.
but even then, i was always so nervous of appearing creepy, a woman would practically have to be sat on my lap before i'd feel confident enough to chance my arm.

spanishwife · 03/04/2019 16:44

@PBo83 it's fine at any time for someone to strike up a conversation, but it should be exactly that. No touching, no shouting. A friendly hello and general non-personal chit chat. If you make it clear you aren't interested with words or body language, they should pick up on the cues and leave you alone. If they don't and you have to spell it out - they SHOULD walk away sheepishly, the funny thing about creeps is that this always brings out a certain aggression or malice in them.

Gilead · 03/04/2019 16:45

It doesn't stop. I'm sixty. I'm short and fat (thank you steroids) and I look my age. The bloke behind me at the checkout yesterday really pissed me off. Seemed to think I owed him a conversation about how long I'd been in the area and where I lived. Angry

MadameDD · 03/04/2019 16:51

I got this loads when I was younger. Now - not so much...!

In London I agree it's more unusual but no difference if it's in Waitrose or a sandwich shop - all you have to do is minimal contact and that's it. If they follow it up, ignore.

I also don't think it's creepy as such, they're just chancers.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 16:55

My husband is like you, @discontinued , he wouldn't dream of shouting at a woman in the street or chatting someone up. Its not a bad thing.

OP posts:
TheTitOfTheIceberg · 03/04/2019 16:58

Ugh, so much minimising and gaslighting going on here!

I’ve said before on other threads, under other usernames over the years, that if any woman thinks a ‘compliment’ shouted at her in the street is something to be pleased about, or just a man making friendly conversation, then all you have to do is show the guy in some way that his attention is unwelcome. I guarantee that in the space of 30 seconds you will turn from someone so stunning he simply couldn’t resist telling you, to a “ugly cow”, “fucking dyke” or similar.

I live somewhere where it’s normal for people to talk to each other, pay each other compliments and start conversations with random strangers, I think it’s friendly, maybe it’s just because I live in a pretty chilled out friendly part of the country?

I live in a part of the country that regularly ranks as one of the friendliest when these things are surveyed. I’ve still been hit on by creepy men with depressing regularity, especially when I was younger and thinner. I can tell the difference between a conversation with a stranger – had one of those with the woman who happened to sit next to me on the bus a couple of weeks ago, when we bonded over the driver’s rather eye-raising rally-style driving – and being hit on by a creep.

As for decent men potentially missing out on the love of their life because she closed him down / ignored him…that’s their hard luck for more good men not being better allies of women in the fight against creeps in the first place. Toxic masculinity is a bitch.

vampirethriller · 03/04/2019 17:04

I thought a nice elderly man was just chatting the other day on the tram when he commented on the weather etc so I smiled and chatted back. He asked if I'm married. Then he asked me if I use dildos and what size. Bet he wouldn't drop that into conversation with a strange man.

PBo83 · 03/04/2019 17:07

I guarantee that in the space of 30 seconds you will turn from someone so stunning he simply couldn’t resist telling you, to a “ugly cow”, “fucking dyke” or similar.

This is absolute bullshit. In my younger days I may have approached women I found attractive and attempted to engage in conversation. I'm sure I was 'rebuffed' many times and never ONCE did I (or would I) have reacted in this manner. I'm not say it NEVER happens and those men are clearly scum but you can't guarantee that that's the reaction you'll get.

As for decent men potentially missing out on the love of their life because she closed him down / ignored him…that’s their hard luck for more good men not being better allies of women in the fight against creeps in the first place. Toxic masculinity is a bitch.

So what about the women? If strange men and women just start ignoring each other because of a relatively small proportion of creeps then how is anybody going to make new friends, let alone find a potential partner?

I'm not defending shouting from vehicles or any other 'creepy' behaviour of course.

that’s their hard luck for more good men not being better allies of women in the fight against creeps in the first place. Toxic masculinity is a bitch.

This is just man-hating bullshit. There are plenty of men who are allies of women (I, for one).

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 03/04/2019 17:17

PBo83

Was your method of “approaching” young women to shout “looking good darling!” or similar from a van window or a bus stop at the other side of the road? No? Then that’s not what I’m talking about.

As for the “man-hating bullshit”...what part of the word “more” do you not understand? It indicates that there are some good men standing as allies, but not enough of them. Not that there are no such men.

If your first impulse on reading about creeps who shout at women in the street is to rush in with invective defending your own behaviour at the expense of reading the post properly, then perhaps you’re not quite the ally you purport to be?

TheDailyCarbuncle · 03/04/2019 17:17

I, for one, never ever want a man to approach me. Ever.

He may be the nicest man in the world. I may love him forever more. He may also be a rapist. I have no idea which one he is, so he can just stay away from me.

The way I meet new friends, female and male, is through work, through other friends and through hobbies. Not through random people approaching me on the street.

BlingLoving · 03/04/2019 17:17

"It's likely they are socially awkward rather than going to stalk you/trying to make you uncomfortable but still crap nonetheless"

Funny how social awkwardness appears to only be a problem for men when talking to women.

In my younger days I may have approached women I found attractive and attempted to engage in conversation. I'm sure I was 'rebuffed' many times and never ONCE did I (or would I) have reacted in this manner.

Exactly PBo83 - because you're not probably not the creepy type we're talking about on this thread.What's likely (and I hope is true) is that you have approached women in the past, picked up on their cues that they did or did not want to talk to you and responded accordingly.

I can honestly say I don't mind a bit of casual chit chat. I didn't even mind a chat up attempt when I was younger, single, and more attractive. What we're talking about here is none of that. It's behaviour that goes too far and does not respect a woman's boundaries.

You say that "I'm not defending shouting from vehicles or any other 'creepy' behaviour of course." which is great. But if you refuse to accept that the inappropriate questions in the coffee shop or other examples OP and others have given, then you are in fact condoning "creepy" behaviour because your'e saying it's only creepy if YOU think it's creepy.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/04/2019 17:18

I am so glad to have reached the age where I get far less creepy male attention. One of the few perks of being middle aged. In my twenties I could not walk down a street without some bloke commenting on something I was doing (eg if eating an icecream “you’ll get fat “) or wearing, or my haircut , assorted body parts etc etc.
Only when it stops do you realise quite how frequent it was.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 03/04/2019 17:19

I did think it was rather hilarious that @PBo83 called a woman's explanation of her viewpoint 'man-hating bullshit' and then called himself an ally straight afterwards! It's not even ironic it's just moronic!

TheDailyCarbuncle · 03/04/2019 17:22

Oh and if men are annoyed that women don't like being approached then they should perhaps stop and think for just one second about why women are so wary.

PBo83 · 03/04/2019 17:23

@Blingloving

I totally agree with you and I wasn't actually questioning the OP's definition of creepy. My comment was purely in response to TheTitoftheIceberg that the standard response to a guy being rejected is aggressive abuse.

As it happens, I think there are a substantial amount of men that feel the same and would intervene if they saw a girl/woman being harassed (or maybe I'm just fortunate in the company I keep)

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 03/04/2019 17:25

Agreed Carbuncle (may I call you Carbuncle?). We know it’s not all men. We just don’t know which ones it is. When some men treat women like prey, don’t blame us if we develop the instincts of the hunted.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 03/04/2019 17:29

Well exactly Tit, if I may call you Tit Grin - if a man approaches you and there is a chance that the next thing he'll do is shout at/spit at/physically or sexually assault you then I think it's pretty much normal not to want to continue that interaction, or better still, for it not to happen in the first place.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 03/04/2019 17:29

questioning the OP's definition of creepy. My comment was purely in response to TheTitoftheIceberg that the standard response to a guy being rejected is aggressive abuse.

For absolute clarity - I was referring specifically to men who shout so-called compliments at women in the street. Not any man who approaches any woman in any way, ever.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/04/2019 17:30

When I lived in London in my mid twenties I was constantly being chatted up on public transport, mostly by attractive, pleasant young men (though I was in a relationship, so not interested). It wasn’t particularly a problem though.

I suffered more from creepy approaches when I was a lot younger and, I suspect, less assertive in my body language and general demeanour.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 03/04/2019 17:32

I do sometimes wonder if men live in this sort of imaginary land where everyone is friendly and nice and good-hearted. I mean, surely not?

@PBo83 - if a man who was a few inches taller than you and clearly stronger looked you up and down, approached you on the street, stood in front of you and said 'Hi, where are you going?' with a smirk, would you think 'Oh lovely a nice conversation'? Or would you think, 'shit what does this guy want'?