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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Creepy commuting

241 replies

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 12:09

Is it just me who keeps meeting creepy men on her commute to work?!

Today the checkout assistant in my regular sandwich shop told me he'd seen me somewhere before.

Yes I said, here, where I buy my lunch before work.

No, somewhere else he says and proceeds to ask where I work, he says he lives near there and how do I get there from the shop?! Then says he might see me later. I said he might not and scarpered. Asking all those questions made me wonder if he was planning to stalk me.

A few weeks ago, a bus driver in a parked bus shouted at me. I stopped and he said you look beautiful. Thanks. I really wanted a random man to validate me. Ugh.

There's another creepy man who gets my usual bus who used to talk to me all the time until I blanked him enough for him to get the message. Plus a creepy security guard at work, who has now left.

I must have a creepy man magnet somewhere on my person. I wish I could turn it off. Argh.

OP posts:
EleanorOalike · 03/04/2019 15:39

I’ve seen you around, where do you work? How do you get there? “I live near where you work, I might see you walking there tonight/tomorrow...”

Is not normal, retail chit chat.

“How’s your day going?” “Busy day ahead?” are usual scripted retail speak.

Bus drivers in training are not generally encouraged to shout at pedestrians to get their attention so they can tell them they are beautiful. This, in fact, would be grounds for disciplinary action.

The fact women on here are passing this off as normal behaviour is worrying.

OVienna · 03/04/2019 15:48

I think there's also got to be some awareness of how likely the woman is to be attracted to you, which so many men seem to lack.

What happened to the thread this week where the 88 year old dude lunged in for an 'it's about time' kiss with the 25 year old poster?? She was worried about hurting his feelings as well, such is navigating the emotional politics of telling perves to 'bugger off'.

buzzbobbly · 03/04/2019 15:49

Again, if those bus drivers were instead shouting out "Hey you! Fat ugly bitch over there!" would that be classed as normal chit chat behaviour too?

Why is their unwanted, unasked for opinion only ok if you like what they are saying?

FifisLovelyApron · 03/04/2019 15:53

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking funny how many more random men, multiple times a day, wanted to ‘just have a conversation’ with me when I was twenty years younger and a size 10. Funnily enough hardly any do now that I’m fat and 40. Thank goodness.

Yes, exactly! That's my reality too. There is a pleasant side to being fat, 40 and socially invisible.

The creepy men want to have their innocent and friendly conversations with girls half my age and size...

AlexDrake1981 · 03/04/2019 15:54

When I was around 19, an older man told me, 'if you were to grow your hair, you'd be a pretty girl'. Really wish I'd told him to fuck off, but I was at work and likely to have been reprimanded for it. It still boils my blood to this day.

PettyContractor · 03/04/2019 16:02

I've also thought that the definition of a creep is a man who fancies a woman and does something about it, while being insufficiently attractive. But actually, I think it's arguable that now Tinder has been invented, it's possibly never justifiable to try chatting up people you encounter in real life. Maybe showing interest in strangers should be consigned to the past, the rule should be that anyone an app hasn't matched you with is off-limits.

(Though I've no personal experience of apps, I've been off the market since long before they were invented.)

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 03/04/2019 16:03

@Nikita it really isn't! I'm in That London too and I often have a lovely chit-chat and sometimes full-on conversation with people at the bus stop/on the train/in local shops etc.

Im in the middle of London too and I talk to all and sundry - mind you you're safe Op - I pick up your vibe. Watch out on the tube tonight - that'll be me talking to down and outs, old dears mature folks, any one who catches my eye .... oh and guess what, I wont be hitting on them either.

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking funny how many more random men, multiple times a day, wanted to ‘just have a conversation’ with me when I was twenty years younger and a size 10. Funnily enough hardly any do now that I’m fat and 40. Thank goodness.

Oh dear, I'm very decrepit, with a few love handles too, a good 15 years older than you and young people talk to me. Opposite gender as well. Shocker! But then, I don’t think there is a paedo/rapist/perv round every corner .

There are some very socially inadequate people out in the big blue yonder. Lonely people, who cant hold down relationships, maintain friendships or even seem to have any semblance of family relationships. There’s a reason for that …. And with that, I’m off to haunt Central London tonight ! mwahs all round - no tongues mind

ciderhouserules · 03/04/2019 16:05

The problem is staff are rated on being engaged and friendly. They can't win. - I work 'front of house'; I am the 'face' of the business and it is my job to talk to people.

I talk to them by talking about myself, what I've done, the weather, the state of the roads.... I never outright ask anything about anyone. If they tell me, I pick that up but I would never ask personal questions or anything about their life without them starting it. It's rude.

PBo83 · 03/04/2019 16:11

Genuine question then:

Do you think that it is ever acceptable for a man (stranger) who finds you attractive to approach you in public and attempt to engage in conversation?

Not being 'goady', just interested in people's thoughts.

PicsInRed · 03/04/2019 16:12

Having a touch of the bitchy resting face is a fucking godsend, as is cultivating an air of "fuck off, my repartee cuts to the quick".

On days when I'm in a particularly good mood and forget to don my cloak of inbitchability, I get (hard) looks, comments, unwelcome and situationally inappropriate conversation, leers and general weirdness. It's not complementary, it's predatory, threatening and deeply unpleasant.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 16:14

I think it depends on where it is to some extent. In a bar then it's generally ok or in a club although not by just sidling up behind a woman and grabbing her hips.

Also know your audience. If she's wearing a wedding ring, giving you short responses or listening to music then she's probably not interested in a random man approaching her.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 03/04/2019 16:14

PB, in my experience the respectful men are too respectful to disturb a woman's peace in public. So the conversation started are generally scrubs.

PissOffPeppa · 03/04/2019 16:15

You can always tell the difference between creeps and men just making conversation. I’ve had the latter plenty of times. They talk about neutral subjects like the weather, or how busy the cafe is, or how their work is going.

When men ask personal details like where you work, whether you’re single, if your breasts are natural (yes, really Hmm), it’s not making conversation.

buzzbobbly · 03/04/2019 16:16

Of course it's acceptable! BUT:

(a) his comments should be appropriate ("nice bag", "hello", "i'm Bob"), not creepy (anything sexual,anything overtly personal, anything addressed to her tits); and
(b) if the target of his approach is not interested, he should walk away immediately and not continue to harangue her.

CardsforKittens · 03/04/2019 16:17

Do you think that it is ever acceptable for a man (stranger) who finds you attractive to approach you in public and attempt to engage in conversation?

Sure, if the conversation is about the weather or something innocuous, and as long as he’s not interrupting my reading or listening to music. And as long as he backs off if I don’t feel like chatting. Also, I’m not interesting in hearing about whether he’s attracted to me.

So I guess what I’m saying is: I’m happy to talk to men who aren’t hitting on me. And I’m not ever going to give my number to a stranger on the bus.

JacquesHammer · 03/04/2019 16:19

Do you think that it is ever acceptable for a man (stranger) who finds you attractive to approach you in public and attempt to engage in conversation?

I’m happy to engage in conversation with anyone provided they read the cues. And if it’s obvious I’m not interested then don’t push!

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 16:19

Where did you meet your boyfriend?

He shouted nice tits at me and I knew it was love

Doesn't seem to happen Hmm

OP posts:
Peakypolly · 03/04/2019 16:19

Can I just ask if anyone on this thread has ever stopped a random man or woman and told them they were beautiful? No, but I do say it to random dogs on my route.
Fat and fifty here as well but, thankfully not invisible,and the odd compliment from a stranger can make a dull day brighter, just as it did when I was 25. Of course I agree that some men activate my internal perv alarm but the majority do not.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 03/04/2019 16:23

Don't worry, it stops around 35 when you become invisible.
Fwiw, i had a creep magnet from age 12 to 32.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 03/04/2019 16:24

OP - i don't know whether you are single or not - perhaps i've missed it.

assuming you were open to a relationship, how would a potential boyfriend be able to approach you?

i'm not suggesting you're wrong in your assumptions about the instances you mention - even as a man i can guess the motive behind those sorts of questions/comments.

i'm just interested to understand what might be acceptable for you.

is an initial approach ok? giving you an opportunity to indicate whether you're open to a conversation or not?

what would be an acceptable approach be?

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 03/04/2019 16:26

Not a commute but... I got a (quite full) coach from London to Wool for a summer holiday. Showed my ticket to the driver, stowed my suitcase and had no further dealings with him until I got off the coach, he got my suitcase and I said "thanks, bye".

I got the coach again one year later for summer holiday again and the driver remembered me. He said "oh, you got this coach last summer". Maybe he had a photographic kmemory or something but I found it super creepy.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 03/04/2019 16:27

I do think the sandwich shop guy was possibly just making conversation rather than planning to stalk you which comes down the the crux of the problem. Many men don’t realise how creepy or intimidating they are when they are having what they think are fairly inane interactions with women. They don’t seem to get that for women having a strange man ask your personal details or yell at you so he can ‘conplinent’ You can feel very uncomfortable or even threatening.

EvaHarknessRose · 03/04/2019 16:29

Women didn't start randomly friend requesting me on Facebook after I changed my photo to one of me and not a general image, but men did.

RuffleCrow · 03/04/2019 16:30

This is Britain. If you want a conversation with a random you talk about the weather and/ or their cute dog/ toddler. You do not start asking a hundred very personal questions you know the other person won't want to answer. Social conventions, people.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 16:30

I'm married @discontinued

When I was single, sometimes a man would approach me but there would be lots of eye contact first. You can tell when its mutual. I think it is about having the social skills to know when someone might want a chat or not. If I'm on my phone like now and listening to music then clearly I'm busy.

It is basically reading the room and knowing your audience. I did go out with a guy once who chatted me up outside a pub but I was chatting back. Again if it's mutual then it's obvious

I don't even like to point out that I'm married. Even if I wasn't married then I wouldn't have been interested in any of the men I mentioned on here. Its like a safe rejection to use though. Creepy men back off if they think you're already another man's property

OP posts: