Creepy commuting

[Shoxfordian]

Is it just me who keeps meeting creepy men on her commute to work?!

Today the checkout assistant in my regular sandwich shop told me he'd seen me somewhere before.

Yes I said, here, where I buy my lunch before work.

No, somewhere else he says and proceeds to ask where I work, he says he lives near there and how do I get there from the shop?! Then says he might see me later. I said he might not and scarpered. Asking all those questions made me wonder if he was planning to stalk me.

A few weeks ago, a bus driver in a parked bus shouted at me. I stopped and he said you look beautiful. Thanks. I really wanted a random man to validate me. Ugh.

There's another creepy man who gets my usual bus who used to talk to me all the time until I blanked him enough for him to get the message. Plus a creepy security guard at work, who has now left.

I must have a creepy man magnet somewhere on my person. I wish I could turn it off. Argh.

AIBU to feel perversely 'jealous' of other women who receive this attention? It may be where I grew up, followed by my current age now I work in a large city (as well as driving to work) but it makes me feel somewhat unwanted. I realise I'd probably change my tune fairly quickly if it happened to me on a regular basis.

I don't wish to minimise the experiences of those who have to deal with it, I just feel this way when I read a thread like this.

The way I meet new friends, female and male, is through work, through other friends and through hobbies. Not through random people approaching me on the street.

This. Approaching a stranger randomly in the street is of itself creepy.

@TheDailyCarbuncle There is no point trying to explain it to Men, they don't get it, though I still try.

I had a huge row with my dh after reading a similar thread and trying to discuss it.

What it boils down to is they cannot know how scary it is as they are often not intimidated by other bigger, stronger Men.

@PBo83 When you have been harassed on a daily basis for years, you automatically assume when a man approaches is that he is sexually interested in you. As someone else said, we don't know that he is harmless, especially when we have been abused/groped or physically attacked on numerous occasions, so we have to think that way to try to stay safe. So really the best approach is don't.

Also I find the resting bitch face doesn't work as then you get the cheer up/smile comments.

To everyone else saying the sandwich shop fella was just friendly chit chat, that is bullshit, he was creepy.

I think there are a substantial amount of men that feel the same and would intervene if they saw a girl/woman being harassed

This has literally never happened to me. Never. Not once has a man intervened.

Is this going to be yet another thread where the usual suspects, who are male, tell all of us our experiences aren’t correct?

This has literally never happened to me. Never. Not once has a man intervened.

Same. Using all my fingers and toes, I wouldn't have enough digits to count the number of times I've been harassed by men. The only time some guys actually intervened was when I got mugged. I was grateful but I think it's telling that a literal theft was the only time I was helped; all the times I was pestered on public transport or asked for a blow job or told they'd like to fuck me up the arse wasn't seen by men who witnessed it as something they should step in to stop.

This has literally never happened to me. Never. Not once has a man intervened

Same (except for my dad)

Not only have I never had another man intervene, I’ve also had other men join in with the harassment, making it even more unpleasant/frightening.

My brother once got involved when he witnessed something and he ended up badly injured. He decided to never intervene again. I highly doubt he’d intervene if he saw anything happening to me and he just laughs it off when things happen to his teenager and says “well what’s she to expect when she goes around dressed like a ho?”.

Men's penises are like water divining rods. They aim at the female form then said penis sends radio waves to man's brain which in turn makes his mouth say words in the hope his divining rod will get an airing.

This is absolute bullshit. In my younger days I may have approached women I found attractive and attempted to engage in conversation. I'm sure I was 'rebuffed' many times and never ONCE did I (or would I) have reacted in this manner. I'm not say it NEVER happens and those men are clearly scum but you can't guarantee that that's the reaction you'll get.

You may never have used nastiness when you have been rebuffed but many women I know have been verbally abused when they politely rebuff someone, even myself in my younger years. Some examples of what has been said:

1. You weren't that pretty anyway
2. Well, you are a bit fat
3. What are you, a lesbian? (said in the 80's early 90's for context as it was deemed an insult at the time)
4. I was only being nice as no other man would talk to you with the way you look
5. Fuck off then you ugly bitch

You may not have been nasty but some men are when you turn them down.

@BossAssBitch Trogladytes 😂 love that.

YANBU OP. I hate it and it just makes me feel so uncomfortable, like I have to scuttle around with my eyes to the ground to avoid unwanted remarks and comments. And apparently wearing a high vis gives you carts Blanche to shout and holler anything you like at a woman in the middle of the street. It is humiliating and degrading and I have once reported a workman to their company for doing this (because the morons hi vis had company name on and I had absolutely had enough of it). And to anyone that says you’re being highly strung/ they would be flattered, that’s very easy to say, particularly if you are vain. But if you are easily intimidated it is very far from flattering. It can be scary and just plain patronising.

Yep I’ve had;

“Stuck up bitch.”

“Bet you’re a crap shag anyway?”

“Tranny”

“I preferred the fat one to you anyway”

“Are you a dyke then?” (In 2007)

“Frigid Bitch”

“Slag”

It does happen. It’s not bullshit.

Yep, I’ve never had a man intervene either. I used to work in a busy city centre bar when I was younger and apparently on busy nights that meant I was fair game for groping, goosing, arse slapping and tit squeezing at least 50% of the times I went out from behind the bar to collect glasses or empty ash trays. Plenty of laughter, plenty of egging on, the odd slightly embarrassed smile...never anyone trying to stop their mate, brother, colleague, random stranger behaving inappropriately or whoever from getting handsy with the young woman who was just trying to do her job.

ou may never have used nastiness when you have been rebuffed but many women I know have been verbally abused when they politely rebuff someone

A friend of mine was glassed in a nightclub and my mother was punched in the face when she said she was tired and didnt want to dance

I had two men throw beer at me in a park in daylight and call me a whore when they asked for my number and I said no.
I had a man on a bus hit me in the face with a newspaper when I wouldn't give him my number.
Both times I had been polite and said sorry.

I am in a FB group that exists solely to document this type of behaviour, although mainly from online dating apps and social media. It has new content almost every hour of every day.

I don't recall the last time I saw a woman responsible for abuse towards a man and the group is mixed sex so if itwa shappening, it would be easily posted.

I'm actually far friendlier with women as guys seem to take chit chat as encouragement even if they're not exactly creeps. Don't want to be put in that position so I'm polite, but not very engaging if I'm talking to a man.

@CheshireChat I know what you mean, a simple response of hello is all it takes.

I have never once even accepted a drink bought for me in a pub as I was worried about some fucked up sense of entitlement some men think this conveys.

I had a man jump out of his van as I walked to work and hand me a note, he seemed polite and friendly enough and a little sheepish. The note basically said he had been watching me on my way to work for ages ( I had no idea ) and asked me out, no name just a number. When I put the number into FB message his profile came up, of course he was married.

I recently out in a club with friends, a man at the bar asked me if I wanted a drink, I politely responded that I was with my mates, not interested in male attention, he was fine about it, we chatted, I went back on the dance floor. A few minutes later the same man approached me on the dance floor and poured an entire pint over my head.

Saying no is scary.

There's a massive difference between cat calling someone and striking up a conversation or even flirting. The latter is totally acceptable IF you can read the signals. If he/she seems receptive keep going otherwise back off. I've had lots of random conversations with men and women in public and have no problem with it.

When I read the Gift of Fear [....]The author says that in general strange men only approach you to talk to you because they want to test your boundaries or harm you

What absolute bollocks! That's so sad.

I was with a friend who had the same experience as KittyLane1. We were 17, on holiday, and dancing in a club. A massive much older man asked her to dance, and she ( a very shy person) politely said sorry, but that she was dancing with me. He went off. Then returned, lifted her skirt up so that everyone could see her pants, then poured a whole pint over her head. It was such a shock, this was in the 1980s, yet men clearly still feel that they can behave like this. We were so young, it was frightening and horrible and we just had to go back to the family friend’s house where we were staying.

Is it really that hard?

Next time the sandwhich shop guy tries to strike up a conversation just say

"sorry, I'm not interested in a chat, I just want to buy my lunch and get back to work"

if he tries again

"i've asked you before, I find it uncomfortable and I'll inform your boss if you persist"

'The Gift of Fear' is focused on identifying threats so that's a pretty normal take considering. I expect the identifying boundary aspect can be interpreted in a non-threatening manner as well actually.

What absolute bollocks! That's so sad.

And yet so many women who have had that exact experience.

The last man who approached me in the street broke my nose when I refused to give him what he wanted.