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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Creepy commuting

241 replies

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 12:09

Is it just me who keeps meeting creepy men on her commute to work?!

Today the checkout assistant in my regular sandwich shop told me he'd seen me somewhere before.

Yes I said, here, where I buy my lunch before work.

No, somewhere else he says and proceeds to ask where I work, he says he lives near there and how do I get there from the shop?! Then says he might see me later. I said he might not and scarpered. Asking all those questions made me wonder if he was planning to stalk me.

A few weeks ago, a bus driver in a parked bus shouted at me. I stopped and he said you look beautiful. Thanks. I really wanted a random man to validate me. Ugh.

There's another creepy man who gets my usual bus who used to talk to me all the time until I blanked him enough for him to get the message. Plus a creepy security guard at work, who has now left.

I must have a creepy man magnet somewhere on my person. I wish I could turn it off. Argh.

OP posts:
Nesssie · 03/04/2019 14:04

Some git leaned out of his car window with a smirk and started saying something the other day But how do you know he was a git and that he was going to say something creepy? He could have been about to say 'you've got a taillight out'. At least wait until they've been creepy and then be rude...

FizzyGreenWater · 03/04/2019 14:04

Sorry I think my point was that sadly, in order to have the comebacks you wish you'd had later all ready on the tip of your tongue - you have to basically be a bit of a man hater.

Shame but there it is.

By the time you've reacted normally with slight confusion to the fuckers, they've had their dig in and gone their sweet way.

The only answer is to be expecting them all to be nasty creepy turds and getting your FUCK OFF DEIRDRE in first.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 14:06

I'm going to practice saying fuck off deirdre

OP posts:
Dexra · 03/04/2019 14:06

It's all down to the receiver as to whether they want the attention or not.

This. It always annoys me when men grumble about how if they been good-looking their behaviour wouldn't have been a problem. I mean, checking whether the woman is comfortable with your attentions shouldn't be rocket science, should it? If she obviouslydoesn't want your flirting and you carry on because you think she should have some kind of equal opportunities thing going on, and your attractiveness to her isn't relevant, then that's incredibly creepy.

NKFell · 03/04/2019 14:06

he lives near there and how do I get there from the shop

FizzyGreenWater · 03/04/2019 14:08

I was walking past.

He was in a traffic queue.

There was nothing for him to say.

I saw him clock me and start to smirk (yes in THAT way) and wind down his window.

Caught half of what he said as I told him where to go and it was something along the lines of 'You shouldn't...' god knows what, probably something shouldn't you be in work or something about what I was wearing.

But, that's my point. I'm done with waiting to be 100% sure if a random bloke who is clearly about to say something, unasked, in a way he'd NEVER do to another bloke is 'trying to help' or beign kosher. I'm done. And any bloke who is decent and gets a fuck off by mistake, weeeelllll I guess then he's effectively just suffered too because toxic masculinity exists.

C25kTrier · 03/04/2019 14:12

Aside from the other stuff, I’m going to be THAT tiresome MNer who points out that the checkout assistant in Waitrose may have had additional needs/‘invisible’ SN and may not have been aware they were being creepy or inappropriate. I think Waitrose have a pretty inclusive, disability friendly recruitment policy and so often you will find a few of the store staff have SN (certainly the case in my local stores). Your checkout asst may have only ever intended to be friendly and build a bit of rapport with you, rather than upset or offend you.

spanishwife · 03/04/2019 14:16

@C25kTrier oh please

HumphreyCobblers · 03/04/2019 14:17

Oh you can definitely tell when men are being creepy at you.

It used to happen to me all the time when I was younger and bombing around on public transport continually. If it was 'just making conversation' it is very strange that it doesn't happen anymore now I have reached the age of 46.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 14:18

I haven't ever got any impression at all that he has additional needs. Maybe all of the men who bothered me also had additional needs...to act like a dick.

I don't mean to be dismissive of it but I'm sure that isn't the case with the waitrose guy

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 03/04/2019 14:19

I just cut him straight off with a 'FUCK OFF, DEIRDRE'.

I'm totally using that. oh wait, I'm 44 and a frump and no one tries to come on to me any more anyway

moosesormeece · 03/04/2019 14:19

Why is it that on every single one of these threads in the history of the Internet someone pops up to say the creepy men in question are just trying to make conversation, the poor things are just misunderstood, what is the modern world coming to etc etc etc? Why so desperate to believe that just because something hasn't happened to you personally, it can't possibly be happening to anyone else either?

I make conversation with other humans when I'm out and about, and I've also been creeped at (though as others have said this happens less the older and fatter I get, who'd have thought). You can tell the difference.

Everanewbie · 03/04/2019 14:20

This. It always annoys me when men grumble about how if they been good-looking their behaviour wouldn't have been a problem. I mean, checking whether the woman is comfortable with your attentions shouldn't be rocket science, should it? If she obviouslydoesn't want your flirting and you carry on because you think she should have some kind of equal opportunities thing going on, and your attractiveness to her isn't relevant, then that's incredibly creepy.

So its continuing something and not picking up on the willingness to engage that becomes creepy, not the attempt in the first place? I mean, 'what are you reading?' as mentioned earlier is ok, but when the recipient is obviously not interested in engaging, its the persistence that is unwarranted? As I'm sure the poster who used this example wouldn't have been too put out if the chap was potentially the man of her dreams.

OohYeBelter47 · 03/04/2019 14:24

I find alot from certain nationalities. Would be inappropriate to say which ones.

Massive difference from being friendly/chatty and creepy (they leer and present as entitled when they creep).

RosaWaiting · 03/04/2019 14:25

"I mean if its Bill with 3 teeth and an anorak, "hi darling, where are you off to?" is creepy as hell, but if the George Clooney lookalike says the same thing, is this also unacceptable?"

baffled by this. yes, if a man is lucky enough to look gorgeous, if he randomly asks "where you are off to?" I think CREEPY STALKER!!

WTF does it matter what he looks like.

CosyAsAToasty · 03/04/2019 14:28

Put headphones on/in. Problem solved.

Everanewbie · 03/04/2019 14:29

RosaWaiting you're right in theory, and I completely agree. But in practice, I'd imagine the handsome guy is called creep less than our mate Bill.

buzzbobbly · 03/04/2019 14:29

There is a really weird gaslighty vibe on this thread from pp who are apparently deliberately refusing to understand the difference between cashier/man on street/train/wherever saying "morning... oh, fab bag, where's it from?" and a lingering look over whole body, followed up by specific questions on your route to and from their location each day.

As for those pp who think a complete stranger yelling at them about their looks is a nice validation, suffice to say I'm sure they wouldn't be quite so keen on it if they were instead yelling out "oi, you ugly cunt!" at them instead.

MrsGideon · 03/04/2019 14:30

moosesormeece I just started a thread on exactly this...

CardsforKittens · 03/04/2019 14:30

No, that’s not normal. I’ve had normal conversations with men who just wanted to chat on public transport etc. These were conversations about politics and music and current events and why a TVR is better than a Porsche, and did not include references to my appearance or clothing. I don’t mind polite conversations with strangers. I don’t think it’s appropriate to comment on someone’s appearance if you don’t know them, and it’s definitely stalkerish to ask about their route to work.

M3lon · 03/04/2019 14:31

Can I just ask if anyone on this thread has ever stopped a random man or woman and told them they were beautiful?

I know I haven't...I've occasionally seen someone of either sex who was particularly striking..but it has never once crossed my mind to speak to them about it.

On that basis alone it is completely unreasonable to say that men doing this to younger women are 'paying a compliment'. If we thought it was a worthwhile compliment we would do it too. It isn't hence we don't.

MrsGideon · 03/04/2019 14:32

buzzbobbly Yes, it's gaslighting! That's exactly what it is. I was trying to put my finger on it.

HappyLife21 · 03/04/2019 14:36

Cheer up love!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/04/2019 14:36

Yes I’ve had guys ask me what I’m reading on the train. Bit of a chat, establish I’m not interested, all fine. For me it’s when they fail to pick up on the signa that you are not interested that it starts getting creepy.

Though thinking about it, I have never once been interupted mid read by a woman stranger who felt entitled to engage me in conversation about my taste in literature. Funny that.

Katinkka · 03/04/2019 14:40

I also used to have this all the bloody time, 20 years and 6 stone ago...

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