The Mumsnet ideal

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You have to: Have big house in the country
Work, both of you, all the hours you can to afford this.
Drive everywhere
Get a cleaner

If you have e.g. a flat, in the town, that is not a 'proper home'
If you don't work all the hours you can, you are lazy
Ditto for driving.

She's still here under another name. I rather like her.

I loved Crumbs posts. Always hugely entertaining - a bit like a fairy story. I shall look out for her.

You are the best driver in the world. Anyone who doesn't speed on motorways is a multiple fatality pileup waiting to happen.

You must be living with someone for 30 years before you can start calling them your partner.

If you're a step mother you can do nothing right. If you're a mother you can do nothing wrong.

If your husband makes the slightest of errors you should get your ducks in a row and LTB. Oh and any man that does something you don't like is abusive and / or controlling.

Children can do absolutely nothing wrong and are angels sent from heaven. If they are being a PITA it's because of some deep psychological damage that you have done, not just because they are over tired and you won't let them eat chicken nuggets for breakfast.

If you are the second wife you must lay a red carpet for and grovel at the feet of the first wife for all eternity. If she's a dick, it's your fault somehow.

If you are a child with step siblings you must accept that they will always come mountains above you in the eyes of MN. You do not matter even slightly as much as they do.

Honestly I could go on...

You don’t have a mortgage, you own your London home outright and you have £100k in savings. You don’t really ‘get’ how people can feel safe unless they have that at the very least. Poor people could get themselves out of it if they just tried a little bit harder.

You forgot to add to the end of this “by taking in ironing or making and selling some handmade crafts.”

Your husband works a 12 hour day, and you are a SAHM. Unless he comes straight home and does a shift with the children - and household chores - you should leave the bastard.
And he must not go out at night, not without getting the first degree anyway, and frequent texts to check his whereabouts.

The minute your income goes above £10.95 you must move out of your social housing home. You should've been saving every penny you could because your house is free. Now you should use all your money to go in to private rent instead.SH is for the dregs of society with absolutely nothing, and no it won't create ghettoes either apparently.

As others have mentioned, towels, washcloths, throws, pet beds and the entire family’s bedding must go on a hot wash daily and one must shower morning and evening as an absolute minimum. While you’re waiting for your tumble drier to finish, hop on mumsnet to say things like, ‘sorry, what’s a disposable coffee cup? Sounds just TERRIBLE for the environment ’

If you dislike anything and have the temerity to voice an opinion you are a jealous snob.

If you are a cat owner you are a despicable, disgusting, unhygienic, loathsome, unhygienic cunt.

You are oddly pre-occupied by the distance between your children and snacks. Too far and your child will starve to death within seconds.

You never seem to be able to grasp that by paying that extra tenner you WILL get to sit next to your kids on the plane.

All your holidays are spent on a working farm on The Easter islands. No one speaks English for at least a 500 mile radius.

If you let your children eat what they want you are negectfull and you child will be obese. If you take care that you children have appropriate portions you are too controlling and your child will end up with an eating disorder

"handmade crafts"

This does not mean gluing pasta shapes to the back of a cereal box..

No no no no no no. MN children choose to hand weave imitation Norman tapestries out of freshly foraged sheep's wool and reeds and then look at you in abject horror if you so much as suggest getting out the poster paints.

Want to lose weight? It’s actually very simple. All you need to do is expend more calories each day than you consume. Have you tried doing squats while the kettle is boiling?

And you absolutely must never, ever complain about anything about being a parent, or high costs of childcare, or difficulty of fitting work around school hours as YOU CHOSE TO HAVE THEM.

All children, even toddlers, must be quiet and still in public at all times.
If they can't be you must stay indoors until they can. You absolutely must not subject anyone else to their presence. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE THEM.

If your DH has coffee with a female colleague it's a massive red flag.

Eastie - it is!!

Always advise someone to "just call an Uber".
OP is stuck on the top of Ben Nevis in a snow storm?
Tell her to " just call an Uber on her app"

Every woman has a simple pregnancy and there is no need to moan. The MN paragon of virtue is often heard to say that pregnancy isn’t an illness and having anything other than a natural birth is weak.

Works right up until pregnancy, gives birth in the office and is back at work the next day.

OP: My two-year-old wakes every 30 minutes all night. I have tried everything - any ideas?

Reply: Have you tried putting him in his own room?
OP: Oh no, I can't bear to have him out of my sight. He has never been alone

Reply: Have you tried controlled crying?
OP: Oh no, I can't bear to hear him cry. I love him too much for that.

Reply: Have you tried no interaction when he wakes?
OP: All I do is take him I to the lounge and we watch TV or play a game. So practically no interaction anyway.

And on and on until...
Reply: OP, two years old is TINY! You should expect this until your baby is at least five. Have you not heard of the 10th trimester? Google it. Enjoy the milky cuddles - they won't last forever.

In MN World, regardless of where you live you can just get food delivered or call an Uber. In MN World, wherever you work there is always an HR department and an employee handbook or intranet stuffed full of every policy you could ever require. In MN World if you need childcare you can just get a nanny or an au pair. In MN World, have an unexpected expense? Well just break into your savings. In MN World there are so many insulated in their own privileged bubble with no clue how the other half lives.

cathf this is soooo true and funny! Add to this the 9 month old baby who won’t settle and cries all night. Op, her partner and NDNs are all on their knees with sleep deprivation, but OP dismisses any suggestions of sleep training as it’s so CRUEL.
Ok then, carry on as you are and they’ll be crying for the next 2-3 years!
But what you are doing now is obviously not working! 🤷🏼‍♀️

A true MNer is confident that no-one, but no-one outside her and the father has any interest at all in her pregnancy. The pregnancy will absolutely not be ‘announced’ as frankly no-one gives a shit and if they do express interest they are really just being polite. Gender reveals are tacky, baby showers are not only tacky but downright offensive and absolutely NOT a ‘thing’. The concept of close friends and family wishing to celebrate your new arrival is completely alien.

There's another mumsnetism in the wild... Sleep training is the answer to all baby sleep issues and to not enjoy hearing your baby cry is pathetic and oversensitive.

Really? was there not some kind of Mumsnet outrage over Gina Ford, I seem to remember? Must have swung around then.

If you cant afford a new pair of Clarke's shoes for your children at any given moment without it messing up your budget you are clearly living in extreme poverty. Not that if you are single on a min wage £45 is quite a big chunk of your monthly wage. Dare I say all my lots shoes come from shoe zone which is probably abusive in some way.