The Mumsnet ideal

[Home77]

You have to: Have big house in the country
Work, both of you, all the hours you can to afford this.
Drive everywhere
Get a cleaner

If you have e.g. a flat, in the town, that is not a 'proper home'
If you don't work all the hours you can, you are lazy
Ditto for driving.

You must be allowed to work from home!

It doesn't matter if you're an A&E nurse, a police officer, in the military, a teacher, a vet, or any number of other professions where you can't work from home, your boss simply must facilitate it.

"Sorry class, Mrs Smith had had an emergency so can't be in to teach today, so we're all going around hers".

It you are finding anything remotely unreasonable about your partners behaviour then you are abusive and controlling!

@wildbhoysmama this!!!!

If you think your child is extremely ill don't bother seeking medical attention. Open a thread entitled 'Should I go to A&E?' because a group of anonymous people on MN who cannot even see your child will surely know best.

That despite everything above, we can’t help but love this forum!

If you are the ‘other woman’, you are The Devil Incarnate and an Unspeakable Cunt Whore for whom stoning is too good. (The married man meanwhile is a passive bystander ensnared by the wiles of Jezebel and only mildly at fault).

You and your DP met when married but first ended your respective marriage, waited 6 years before your first date and a further 17 years before introducing to your DC

I love this thread. So many astute (and funny) posters.

Now that you are a mum you are only permitted to wear black ultra skinny jeans, a bretton top, a huge oversize (men’s) cardigan and either Chelsea boots or Adidas trainers. In the summer you can swap the bretton top for a crisp white tee shirt and the boots/trainers for Seasalt sandals.

You must ask Mumsnet why you're upset with your new kitchen/bedroom/hall etc uploading pictures of your top of the range, bespoke and immaculately installed said room/feature. It will be the most incredible kitchen you have seen. People will say 'get some mustard cushions.'

If your cancer riddled neighbour asks you to put their bin out they are a manipulative gaslighter. You must reply with 'no is a full sentence'.

Your house must be full of fresh flowers in every room, fridge full of lovely fresh cheese, fruit and veggies...and at Christmas you listen to Carols from King's and have candles and twinkly white lights....of course your children are rosy cheeked cherubs so would never knock over all the vases and candles of course...

You must always be slim. For dinner, you forgo the actual main dish and pick happily at a plate of vegetables.

You do not own an animal, you share your space with one. And it’s always rescued and in horrible shape from a terrible previous life which you seem to know in harrowing detail.

Your meals are cooked from scratch and you have four freezers in your triple garage to store it all, with a backup generator in case of a power cut.

You have sex with your husband three times per week. Any more is showing off, and possibly means you have a sex addiction. Any less and you’re just asking him to leave you, really. You’re not too sure what oral sex is.

Your hair is blow dried to perfection every morning after your run, and your nails are immaculate. Your only makeup is clear mascara and lip salve; any more means you are just trying to be attractive to a man.

You don’t have a mortgage, you own your London home outright and you have £100k in savings. You don’t really ‘get’ how people can feel safe unless they have that at the very least. Poor people could get themselves out of it if they just tried a little bit harder.

People wanting affordable, quality childcare is just entitled and you should have thought of that before you started popping out kids! Maybe if you’d married a better quality husband, you could be a SAHM through choice and then you could just spend all day running round after them instead. If you must work, it must be completely from home.

I'm not sure why, but the person who keeps coming to mind reading these is Theresa May. Apart from the clothes. And I know- TM doesn't have children.

Excuse me @home77, I HOPE you mean WARM WHITE lights and not ice white.... or God forbid... blue...

You have a perfect CV with no gaps. Because a gap of over a week in employment history is suspicious and means you have been in prison. Or something.

Oh yes, and how fucking DARE you want to use a Parent and Child parking space. They are not there for your benefit despite you having 12 children under 6 in a converted mini bus. If the single young lad in the mini wants to park there for three hours he can, alright? He’s not being selfish he probably has a hidden disability. How entitled can you be? In fact; why are you at the supermarket with your children in the first place? Book a home delivery. Dragging your children round the supermarket is child abuse.

For dinner, you forgo the actual main dish and pick happily at a plate of vegetables

Wrong. It has to be a huuuuuuuuuuuuiuuugggggggggggeeeeeeeeee salad.

and at Christmas you listen to Carols from King's and have candles and twinkly white lights....of course your children are rosy cheeked cherubs

And then you all have hot chocolate which (inexplicably) takes all evening to do.

Before the said perfect kiddies all get given new pyjamas which is a tradition handed down since the family were cavemen, and not at all related to the entirely commercial and modern fad of C Eve boxes.

@jinglejanglefish I hope that salad is locally sourced from less than a 10 mile radius and that harvesting it formed part of your morning workout routine...

You must totally believe your child's version of what the teacher said/did, regardless of the fact that the said teacher is working 70 hours a week, and if you are annoyed, go straight to the governors. The teacher is obviously wrong and should be fired immediately.

and at Christmas you listen to Carols from King's and have candles and twinkly white lights....of course your children are rosy cheeked cherubs

This makes me so nostalgic for Crumbs and her Christmas stories with real live donkeys and dinners in everyone else’s 16c grade 2* listed house in the village. Dear Crumbs. I wonder what became of her?

You must totally believe your child's version of what the teacher said/did, regardless of the fact that the said teacher is working 70 hours a week, and if you are annoyed, go straight to the governors. The teacher is obviously wrong and should be fired immediately.

Wow, this completely sums up a close friend of mine - she's a lovely person, but refuses to believe that her little darlings could ever be as badly'behaved as other people (teachers, other parents!) have found them to be.

I hope MN's aren't really like this as it's actually quite damaging - she's lost several friends over it.

Dear Crumbs. I wonder what became of her? She's still here under another name. I rather like her.

Your dh's ex and mother of his eldest dc is a profligate slag who spends all the child maintenance on nails and gin. Your husband is a veritable saint because he pays her slightly more than the pitifully low minimum child maintenance.