The Mumsnet ideal

[Home77]

You have to: Have big house in the country
Work, both of you, all the hours you can to afford this.
Drive everywhere
Get a cleaner

If you have e.g. a flat, in the town, that is not a 'proper home'
If you don't work all the hours you can, you are lazy
Ditto for driving.

Your children, even if non NT, should be impeccably behaved at all times, grateful and be taken anywhere with no issues.

If you are a cranky older person, you probably have dementia.

The only good and respectable weddings cost £200 and have 5 guests. You have to wear an old dress that cost you 75p in a charity shop in 1979 and you're only allowed to go out for a cheap meal and a few drinks for your hen party.

If you are more than 9 stone and a size 10 you are deluded. Actually, if you are more than 9 stone you are a scourge on society.

If your husband ever says something then changes his mind, ever moans about anything, is ever grumpy or has any female friends then he is abusive and gaslighting.

However if you don't let your husband travel alone, go on nights out or socialise with any females then that's absolutely fine.

You must put your baby in a sling and co sleep until they are 18

Your house must be clutter free and spotless and if you can't manage that yourself you need to get a cleaner.

Your DC 'inhale' fruit and veg and don't even know what McDonalds is.

As well as the income for the income for the naice detached house in the right village near to the right schools, you can also afford to buy unlimited amounts of food, so that teens and DHs have unrestricted access to contents of the fridge and the solution to them eating everything in sight is to 'just buy more'.

If your husband sits down after work you must LTB. He's not pulling his weight

You must also time each of your leisure time to make sure it's exactly the same. If he gets 30s more you must LTB

Being a SAHM is not an option, you must work. No one would be a SAHM by choice

You may never attend an wedding reception (evening). How dare someone only think you're worthy of that

If you allow your DC to have more than 30 minutes' screen time a day you are part of the problem.

You must despise all hen nights/ baby showers and look down your nose at anyone who enjoys them. You cannot possibly live and let live.

You need to meal plan. As well as have a cleaning routine (you can do it after work)

You must battle and “fight” with school at all times and conversely if you area teacher no one must ever suggest that you could do anything differently and aren’t kind and well meaning.

Your dog should be treated at the vet whatever the cost and certainly be considered at least equal to you child in all decisions.

Home Education is obviously just having summer holidays for ever and is never the only option.

You must never ever travel or eat outside the home (unless in a designed for children hell hole) because it’s not “fair” to other patrons.

You must not have less than two or more than two children because, well, “unfair” obv.

If you are autistic you must have “meltdowns” and if you don’t you must be “very mildly effected”, of course there is NO SUCH THING as mild autism OF COURSE Bill Gates is just as effected as someone who is unable to ever be left alone, totally dependent and unable to speak.

Chickens feed 500 and you just need to try harder.

Shower continuously or you are a filthy skank.

Jo Malone/Dyptique/Boden EVERYTHING.

If your DP/DH is a sahp then they are living the life of Riley. They must do all childcare, cooking and cleaning. No excuses because after all they're at home all day. You shouldn't fund this because they can get a job.

If you are a woman and a sahm you must have free access to all money, your own pension, your dh/dp needs to pull their weight in child care, cleaning and cooking. You are entitled to a spa break every month because you earned it.

You are not allowed to think any negative thoughts about anyone's appearance or life choices, and if you do you're a judgemental

You must live in a six figure income household and have a respectable profession. In an office.

If you don't drive you are a CF asking for lifts. (even if you don't)
You must drive. Never mind any environmental or traffic concerns,
or that it is healthier for you and DC to walk. Or that there is public transport or taxis available if necessary. You will be extremely restricted and dependant without a car.

You are lower, lower lower-class if your child's name includes a hyphen. Urgh yuck!
You are obviously from social housing stock and you are not very 'bright'.

Your husband must have an "extremely high-powered six-figure job" where there is no flexi-time, no days off, no part-time, no WFH and definitely no option of changing roles or industries ever.

The biggest stressors in your life are wholly centred around bins/parking/boundary fences/Ocado delivery slots.

You need to be retraining. You can't be doing something mundane (even if you enjoy it, it is non stressful and it helps others). You aren't earning much doing that.

You must have an elective caesarean and any healthcare professional who suggests that this is not in you or your baby's best interests only cares about cost saving and not the safe arrival of your child. Having a homebirth would be incredibly reckless.

LTB if your partner eats a whole box of chocolates that he bought himself over 3 days. He obviously has an ED.