The Mumsnet ideal

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You have to: Have big house in the country
Work, both of you, all the hours you can to afford this.
Drive everywhere
Get a cleaner

If you have e.g. a flat, in the town, that is not a 'proper home'
If you don't work all the hours you can, you are lazy
Ditto for driving.

Also, you must be ok with your husband watching porn, wanking constantly and hanging out at strip clubs. If you dare to think he isnt doing all of the above you are 'deluded'.

😂 I know! I keep looking at DH - apparently he’s some sort of deviant but he’s so straight I just can’t see it. But hey the ideal MNetter knows your hubby better than you! HTH.

I read the average MN as living in rented , scraping by financially, proud working class that swears a lot, used to vote labour but now doesn't because they can't abide JC , believes that you should work and not scrounge, drinks a bit but not binges, cooks from scratch as much as possible , goes camping as annual holiday

Nah - it’s the Boden Posse (sp?)!

If you have regular unprotected sex with your long term partner you are not trying for a baby. The only way to try for a baby is to use an ovulation kit.

Everything is a mental health issue and can be fixed by going to your GP and getting psychotherapy.

inappropriate behaviour is immediately diagnosed from the sofa at home as
Narcissistic personality disorder
Personality disorder
On the basis of someone had an ex who was just like that

You must be completely secular. If by some chance you do have any religious leanings, you must not allow them to influence your kids in any way ("there are no Muslim/Christian/Jewish children") and then give them a choice of religion on their 18th birthday. And you should give it all up if someone tells you that their aunt's neighbour's friend is a lapsed member of that religion ("He's a practising muslim but drinks like a fish and runs a hog roast on his birthday").

He's a practising muslim but drinks like a fish and runs a hog roast on his birthday

But if you're pagan it's absolutely wonderful

Why do we hang around here? It's full of chewy faced, joyless bastards.

I forgot about all the crazy dog posts.

OP: “My dog has savaged three grown men, leaving them limbless, has managed to burn my house down and also committed massive bank fraud using my credit card. WIBU to get rid of the dog?”

MN: “You MONSTER! A dog is part of your family for life. You should have known you’d need facial reconstruction surgery for the next ten years when you agreed to take on the responsibility.”

Also, you must be ok with your husband watching porn, wanking constantly and hanging out at strip clubs. If you dare to think he isnt doing all of the above you are 'deluded'.

Er the EXACT opposite is true.

You should buy your child only one birthday present... preferably a box empty of its contents.

Smug marrieds have a suspicion of single or cohabiting women.theyre not in “proper” relationships. Such women give the goods away too soon, something about men don’t buy toast if they’ve already had the butter

The mn rule is no man ever has platonic female friends,they’re up to something or will be. Soon

You must never cry as an adult.

Even if you are just a bit worn down, overwrought, or unexpectedly emotional. Not being able to stop yourself crying when upset is being a 'drama queen' or 'attention seeking'.

Proper adults have full control of their eyeballs.

Christmas give your kids nowt,heehaw, sweet fa,make them work in refuge
then when someone posts they’ve saved all year to buy children modest gifts take the piss and call them a profligate spender and capitalist pig
Don’t let on that you’re the poster who’ll take to mn to complain if you get less than a litre of Jo Malone perfume from your dp on your birthday

You must have been married for at least 20 years otherwise it’s not a serious relationship.

You should never see your family again if they cross a ‘boundary’. Fuck you Mum and dad, you’ve made one annoying comment so I’m going to go NC and focus on my own family 🙄

Your dp must give you unrestricted access to his salary or he’s controlling
you must have an emergency fund solely yours for when you’ve got all your ducks in a row,
following your free half hour with Vardags

On no account must you understand the difference between 'you're' and 'your'.

If you live separately from your DP and plan to sell your own houses and buy a house together, if you're the one with more equity, you must protect it or keep it all back to keep your own security and independence.

But if he has a lot of equity and you do not, he must put all his assets into the new property, otherwise 'he's not committed to you as a couple'.

After reading gut wrenching emotionally raw op,do point out spelling,punctuation,grammar error
Then do snippily say something like haven’t you heard of paragraphs?
Take no heed were op says I’m posting & crying.im distraught
Finish it off with final boot in,exclaim oh my eyes and a flourish of passive aggressive faces

You have to buy a house that has enough bedrooms (including a room for your Step DC) , it must have off street parking (or you should never ever complain about not being able to park within three streets to your house) . If you live near a school or a railway station, you just have to suck it up.

Your DH can drop everything at a moments notice to help out, they're his DC too , he needs to take time off work. Even if he's a Surgeon, Teacher, RAC man and cannot really just go home )

And if it's a choice of the extra bedroom, not near a main road or being a bit further from the station, your DH can cycle . (In heavy traffic 'natch)

If someone asks you to pick up their DC from school more than once without immediately returning the favour , you sent them a text that says "Of course I will, my hourly rate is £10 " even though you're not a Registered Child Minder and it is actually illegal .

You need to cancel the cheque and recalibrate the Milkshake Machine

You only use Facebook to keep in touch with your great Aunt who lives in Australia.

You may not post anything positive about your family, friends, house, holidays, job or pets. That is stealth boasting

You may not post anything negative at all. That is attention seeking.

Woman reading her dp email,checking phone on her female intuition/hunch,not a big deal
Man checks your phone that’s an invasion,he’s a brute and controlling,narcissistic personality

Yy to the crying. I made a passing comment on a thread about crying when my new kitchen was finished and had my arse handed to me. It's self indulgent when I probably don't cry at all the babies being BBQ'd in the world or kittens not having mittens etc.

If you are a nasty,downright unpleasant person,it is because you either have MH issues,or dementia. No such thing as a person who is just nasty for no reason,full stop.

You must never, under any circumstances say could of / would of.

If someone's asks a favour and you're not that keen, you must reply 'sorry that won't work for me '