The Mumsnet ideal

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You have to: Have big house in the country
Work, both of you, all the hours you can to afford this.
Drive everywhere
Get a cleaner

If you have e.g. a flat, in the town, that is not a 'proper home'
If you don't work all the hours you can, you are lazy
Ditto for driving.

It is essential to write a parody royal family member AIBU on any thread which references them. The post should ideally be from the POV of Kate. Should refer to "DHs family firm", being up at all hours with screaming kids, feeding George turkey fucking dinosaurs and swearing a lot whilst getting pissed. You must refer to your dear old GMIL being an interfering cow who forbids you to see your own family on Christmas.

Never ever expect to park in a P&C space, even if you have 6 kids including 6 month old triplets, don't be so entitled, the shop only puts them there to entice idiots like you to spend their money, haven't you heard of online shopping!
Oh and the teenage boy and his girlfriend who just drove into one and jumped out the car and jogged into the shop together, one of them had a hidden disability, don't ever question why they needed that space because they definitely needed it more than you.

I am crying with laughter at the person who said if you are skint use your nectar points.

Another one along those lines...

Take in some ironing or dog walking if you are skint.

Anyone over the age of 50 who seems a bit ratty that day obviously has dementia

I'm obviously beyond help - and here's me thinking it was the menopause, or just not being in the mood to put up with peopl's fuckwittery!

people's

And remember...

For every opinion there is an equal and opposite opinion.

I have to admit to coming late to Mumsnet as my daughter is in her 20s. I'd also been put off by a local group of mumsnetters who used to meet at my place of work and who were a nightmare (feral kids, who ripped pages out of books, mean girl vibe - the way they treated newcomers reduced one to tears! Myself and my colleagues used to loathe them and dread Monday afternoon!)
I've been pleasantly surprised by the reality though.

"You have to suggest the name Juliet on every baby names thread, even if the baby is going to be a boy."

You would never dream of naming your child anything "ethnic" like Naimh or Eilidh because no one will ever, ever be able to pronounce it but "Ottilie" is entirely normal.

You must NEVER complain if grandparents don’t help out with their grandchildren, even if you are dying and they have no one else!!!

Don’t try and talk to school run mums. They might be introverts and don’t want to talk to you.
But don’t just chat to your friends as that is exclusive and could be deemed as a clique.

If you do talk to someone, follow these rules of things you must not do:
Don’t ask questions- too nosey
Don’t talk about self - boring and too me, me, me
Don’t talk about anyone else- gossiping
Don’t talk about anything political, whether local parking drama or Brexit and everything in between.
Don’t talk about parenting- for fear of sounding judgmental
Don’t make small talk - it makes some people uncomfortable and can sound fake
Don’t bemoan small annoyances or ‘first world problems’ - don’t you know how privileged you are

I am almost too scared to speak on the playground now 🙈 (but not really because I am a noisy extrovert who wants to talk to everyone, much like an excitable Labrador at the park )

Oh and don’t compliment someone’s outfit/ hair etc. - it comes across as fake and anyway they are dressing for themselves and not for you 🤷🏼‍♀️

No one in their right mind eats a sandwich and a packet of crisps for lunch. If at home, cook something like a poached salmon fillet with steamed veg or salad, if at work, you must have last night's leftovers from the slow cooker (no matter what you cooked a day ago).

If a car blocks you in then you should pay for a taxi to get to where you want to go..

Your husband MUST have an incredibly outing hobby

You must only speak in weird acronyms. Spelling out words like ‘daughter’ or ‘no contact’ is incredibly bad manners.

Despite being a hugely popular holiday destination, you must never go to Dubai.

Ditto All Inclusive holidays it's much more worthy to go to the supermarket, cook, clean, load and empty the dishwasher on a daily basis whilst on holiday.

If your little boy shows his willy call social services and log it with 101
Other children might be distressed!

If your parents are kind enough to babysit your children they must never ever be within sight or reach of alcohol. And of course you never drink when you look after your own children.

Your parents only role in your life was your conception, you have no right to feel resentful to them for not helping you later in your life, why should they??? They are not there for emotional or financial support, no matter what their position! God forbid if they do you are an entitled, ungrateful leach. If you are a mother-in-law you are the equivalent of a Disney step mother! All you Mother’s with sons beware!

You can withhold sex for a year, and if your husband tries it on, he's a sex pest.

You must not go on holiday to Dubai.

You must think it's normal never to host play dates, or not answer the door.

You must be tighter than a duck's ass.

Oh, and when you have a baby, it's perfectly normal not to have visitors over, or pass the baby round.

You must never give your DCs cereal - it's 'shit in a box'.

You must keep a dangerous dog that has a history of being people aggressive and try what you have done in the past again despite nothing at all working or rehome him/her despite said dog being a ticking time bomb. Euthanasia is never an option regardless of what the circumstances might be.

This really makes me laugh! 😁

You must never admit that you think you are attractive and your husband must have a high earning job in a 'niche' field.

Also, you must be ok with your husband watching porn, wanking constantly and hanging out at strip clubs. If you dare to think he isnt doing all of the above you are 'deluded'.