The Mumsnet ideal

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You have to: Have big house in the country
Work, both of you, all the hours you can to afford this.
Drive everywhere
Get a cleaner

If you have e.g. a flat, in the town, that is not a 'proper home'
If you don't work all the hours you can, you are lazy
Ditto for driving.

I think you'll find a Jo malone just about acceptable in extremis, if no fresh air is available, Phelange.
But definitely not Yankee, they cause headaches and itching.

You have misphonia.

Your abusive twat of a husband is only an abusive twat because he has undiagnosed ASD and/or depression.

Your narcissistic parents both have early signs of dementia, despite being in their late forties.

If you are a step mum you were the OW and that’s why the ex wife is such a vindictive cow.

If you don’t drive, you must have several thousand pounds lying around to spend immediately on driving lessons, a new car and insurance. Otherwise you’re a CF.

Your husband spends all evening, every evening texting a woman from work whom you’ve never met. Every weekend he meets up with her to do their shared ‘hobby’, which cannot be disclosed because it’s too outing. He’s planning a fortnight-long trip with her to a very outing hobby event on the other side of the world. You haven’t been away together as a family, or had a holiday, for ten years. You are massively unreasonable and controlling to be pissed off with your husband for this because he ought to be able to have female friends.

If you're not dead, you're well enough to go to work. Take some ibuprofen and stop being a snowflake. And even if your reproductive organs fall out of your vagina, don't go to A&E, it's just period pain and doesn't justify wasting NHS time.

If you’re feeling miserable due to living in a wet cardboard box with one penny to your name it’s probably time to book a spa day. Or at the very least get a cleaner.

And yes, someone wearing a scented sanitary towel two streets away is giving you a migraine.

You should be reported to the social if your child eats their own toddler dinner in a high chair at 5:30 instead of you all sitting round the table to share the same homemade repast.

Heavens forbid people who view your perfect immaculate house (but can't afford to buy it anyway) piss in your toilet! May Lord smite them!

All DH's work away all week and have an 'outing' hobby that takes up hours of their spare time

"You sound lovely OP"

OP has asked if you prefer sponges or scourers on pan lids.

Masturbating is often the husbands hobby that takes up hours each evening and all weekend.

I expecte escaping the wife is the reason behind some of these hobbies. bit like a 'man shed' I suppose.

If you disagree with anything based on feminism eg that there are people who are happy to be surrogates then your a chauvinist who wants to demean all women.

You must never use a disabled toilet, even if you've got food poisoning and are literally about to shit your pants.
I’m a use the disabled toilet if there isn’t another person, but highly infectious I think you really shouldn’t.

You have forgotten I’ve had unprotected sex for months and my period is late, could I be pregnant?

Do not disagree with the feminists whatever happens. It only shows you are deeply “not all men are like that” which makes you deluded and stupid.

If you post you must disclose everything at once - including your inside leg measurement, the age and sex (sorry, gender) of your children, any meds you are taking, whether you 'drink',if any pets are involved and the last time you had sex. You must not change a salient point , OR have posted before about the issue on another thread.

If you do not , then you are 'Drip Feeding' - aka making it up, most likely for sympathy , or being a CF troll

If its about any ILs then its fine ,because to do any of that would be incredibly 'outing' (and you are being utterly reasonable anyway) .

*"You sound lovely OP"

OP has asked if you prefer sponges or scourers on pan lids.*

Hahahaha so true!

I've been cackling at work at this thread

I can't read my pregnancy test so I'll take a blurry picture from a foot away and see if anyone else can tell.

Really?
I read the average MN as living in rented , scraping by financially, proud working class that swears a lot, used to vote labour but now doesn't because they can't abide JC , believes that you should work and not scrounge, drinks a bit but not binges, cooks from scratch as much as possible , goes camping as annual holiday .

No that's what they try to be like I think. as in I'm so woke..

You have stepchildren that behave disrespectfully but you are an awful step parent who needs to understand that they are children who need wrapping in cotton wool. If you do not do this you are an awful person who knew your SO had children and you should do the right thing and leave.

However if you have children and they behave disrespectfully they need to be taught it is unacceptable and every parent feels your pain and it will get better. You are a fabulous parent doing your best.

I've never laughed so hard. This thread is seriously making my afternoon😂

You live on the same road as people who like to park over your driveway.

You can absolute have a child-free wedding OP, IT’S YOUR DAY.

If you’re invited to a child-free wedding, you tell the bride and groom to fuck off in no uncertain terms, unless they want to pay for your childcare, the selfish twats.

Brexit must be stopped and Article 50 revoked due to the mass petition signing by all mumsnetters, their pets, children, horses in the next field and deceased grandparents. If you do not agree you are illiterate and are not part of normal society, you must be a racist who's easily fooled and only wants sovereignty.

You must not let a crumb of food pass your child's mouth till they are exactly six months.

if you do it's basically giving them crack and you'll find them strung out on a street corner the next week trying to score MdDonalds

Housework is used as foreplay in an MN marriage.

Have we done a hierarchy of Take Aways yet? Are we even allowed Take Aways?

I think anything from Deliveroo and produced by a 'proper' restaurant in London may be acceptable very, very occasionally if you have been working late in your city or law career, Kebab or burger definitely not ..