The Mumsnet ideal

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You have to: Have big house in the country
Work, both of you, all the hours you can to afford this.
Drive everywhere
Get a cleaner

If you have e.g. a flat, in the town, that is not a 'proper home'
If you don't work all the hours you can, you are lazy
Ditto for driving.

Any man must be absolutely thrilled about any unplanned pregnancy always. Even if the woman has kept it to herself while she contemplated her options. If he doesn't react with 100% joy and enthusiasm then he's abusive.

And never ever ever put the father on the birth certificate.

You need a Mooncup and Lush henna for your hair (good tips btw)

You your kid into school with a flask of homemade soup in their lunchbox.

(Seriously I have worked in schools for over 10 years and I have never seen this in real life!)

You send your kid...

If your DC are doing A-levels or at university, they couldn’t possibly get a part time job or work in the holidays as they need all their time for studying.

Instead you have to support them to the tune of hundreds of pounds a month, even if it is unaffordable as you have big mortgage, younger DC at home etc.

All chronic- and even terminal- childhood illnesses can be magically cured by someone pointing out that a school attendance record of under 94% is unacceptable. Once the child knows, they will just jump out of bed and all problems solved.

Even 5 pages after you explained that the child has been examined by GP, paediatric consultant, paediatric consultant specialising in relevant field, specialist clinic for relevant condition and they all agree nothing is to be done about this, there will still be somebody patiently trying to make you understand that your child's poor school attendance will have an adverse effect on their education.

Yes. Because as the parent of the child who may not live until they grow up/may be pain in every day of their life/may never walk or even sit upright- that thought has absolutely never occurred to you. Not once. So you really need their help to understand how hopeless your situation is unless the miracle cure fails to materialise.

Well, given the lively threads in the middle of the day, when our Mumsnetters are supposed to be working all hours, they must be having very well paid jobs where you have a huge, unreasonable amount of autonomy, for how else can they afford being on their phones all day to comment here? Maybe they "work from home", having "their own business"? Like selling hand-carved buttons or decorating lamp posts with cupcakes?

In bed with flu, Bloody? What about you?

The man is always, always to blame. Unless the woman is a step mum or an MIL. Then they can all drop dead.

If your dp finds another mans boxers in the house and thinks you are cheating, it must be him that’s cheating.
If your dp breathes slightly heavier than usual, he might be cheating. And if you ask him, and he doesn’t appreciate being accused, he is definitely cheating.

In bed with flu,

If you think you have the flu, no matter how close to death you feel, you don’t. It’s just a bad cold.

corythatwas _ I am sorry if you have a flu, especially as the weather is so crap! Although I'm not sure the entire MN is flu ridden. I don't work, not a SAHM, not on benefits, but I am at home all day. I rarely use social media though.

If your children are educated privately, it only because you 'make sacrifices' or they're clever/sporty enough to have a scholarship (even if it is only worth 5% of the fees). Never because you're filthy rich, the grandparents pay and you don't want your darlings mixing with the plebs.

As soon as you have your first child you now have ‘your own little family’. This is sacrosanct. This means you now batten down the hatches, raise the barricades and should never, ever be expected to spend Christmas or any other significant event with wider family, particularly your PILS. If the bastards even have the temerity to issue an invitation you should be mortally offended at their controlling, narcissistic behaviour and immediately go NC.

Your bowels work like clockwork so you never need to poo anywhere except the toilet in your own house and you expect everyone else to be the same, especially tradespeople and delivery drivers, who should have gone before they left home in the morning.

There is no reasonable excuse for needing a poo away from your own home, and should you ever feel the urge, you should 'just hold it' until you get home.

and it seems now... that if your DH/ DP 'sleeps too much' and so isn't available for you socially in the evenings (despite what ever the reason may be for him sleeping ) that is controlling

You must never let your DC watch Disney films on repeat,

If you do post asking for any advice at all you likely have anxiety or PND only diagnosable by MN

You never leave your washing to get darked on

and it seems now... that if your DH/ DP 'sleeps too much' and so isn't available for you socially in the evenings (despite what ever the reason may be for him sleeping ) that is controlling

Ahh yes - and if you prattle around being noisy emptying the dishwasher while someone's sleeping and they're annoyed you woke them up, they're being controlling by not letting you do your chores! But they are also controlling for making you do the chores.

Whatever the man does, it's controlling.

If a man ever wants to leave a woman for any reason he is a nasty, controlling twat, and the woman has always given 100% of the story, is always "lovely" and should treat herself to a nice big glass of wine and a spa day.

You must never get angry at people parking in P&C spaces even though you have 2 under 2 and a shittonne of shopping and the last space was just taken by someone who obviously doesn’t need it.

You must never use a disabled toilet, even if you've got food poisoning and are literally about to shit your pants.

A slight upgrade on standard products is a no-no. No-one on MN likes Lush, Yankee Candles or Method cleaning products. MN thinks people who are happy with a Slight upgrade are simple and rather common and do not have their superior taste.
MN posters have a heightened sense of smell and claim to be able to smell scented sanitary towels or fabric conditioner in the next room. Air freshener can be smelt in the next town.
There is a general snootiness towards anything scented as NMetters all react with itchy skin and headaches to such products.

Mental illness can be cured by getting a dog/volunteering/going for walks. If your housebound then your just not motivated enough.

Never even use candles @cathf !! We only like the smell of fresh air!!

not at all still bothered about a thread I posted a while ago asking which reed diffusers were the best, to be told they are all carcinogenic etc