The Mumsnet ideal

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You have to: Have big house in the country
Work, both of you, all the hours you can to afford this.
Drive everywhere
Get a cleaner

If you have e.g. a flat, in the town, that is not a 'proper home'
If you don't work all the hours you can, you are lazy
Ditto for driving.

detxa - really??!!???

Pretty please - link the thread!

Sorry- @derxa

You must never, ever leave your child unattended in a car. Ever. Never mind that the car’s on your driveway, the key isn’t in the ignition, and you’re leaving one of your children alone for 30 seconds while you carry the other into the house. Don’t you know the car could explode/burst into flames/be hijacked by a band of machete-wielding terrorists? You’re a disgusting excuse for a mother and social services should remove your children at once, you vile cow.

WHERE IS THE BERCOW IS A SEX GOD THREAD???

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3544489-John-Bercow-I-would-probably?pg=2
There you go

You make up your children’s lunch boxes from a carefully curated list of home-made, nutritionally balanced foods, including but not limited to quinoa, edamame beans and organic dust. You’d never just bung them a ham sandwich, an apple and a packet of Aldi teddy faces. That would be tantamount to child abuse.

You must have a pack of lurpak in the fridge (I noticed this on most of the fridge photos on a recent post, was bizarre!)

You must cook from scratch and eat very little during the day (not sure these were the same people posting the fridge photos).

@sidekicksally I loved that thread. Though I still can’t fathom how those fridges full of food can belong to Mumsnetters, given everyone on here only spends £3.20 on their weekly shop. I also noticed a distinct absence of half-eaten chicken carcass (surely a staple for any self-respecting MNer).

You must always refer to every family member and in-law as 'd' even if it is your abusive ex husband. ie dstbexh

At Christmas you 'just give everyone a bottle of plonk'

YOU, not your husband, YOU must be with your small child at all times. Independent play is not important.

You must have a pack of lurpak in the fridge (I noticed this on most of the fridge photos on a recent post, was bizarre!)

Asda pretend Lurpak at half the price isn’t acceptable then?

Thanks February for update,wis a bit wondering

@Clettercletterthatsbetter But DS’s driveway car naps are my favourite time of day!

Don’t ever allow those filthy delivery or tradesmen to use your toilet. They will almost certainly stink it out and leave skids (deliberately, of course).
Remember your superiority to said people at all times.

If you are ill, call 111. Then ignore what they tell you and go down to A&E.

Anyone more than five years older than you is greedy and selfish and voted for Brexit. It's their fault that you'll never own a house.

School staff should get down on their knees and give thanks daily for the privilege of being allowed to witness your darling child’s high spirits. Anything less than this must lead to a meeting with the Head, Head of Year and Head of Pastoral Services. Escalate to the LEA/Chair of Governors if you and your darling do not receive the grovelling you feel is your due.

Even if you have a splitting headache, the cat’s dying, someone ran into the back of your car this morning and your children have just peeled off your new wallpaper you must always be cheery, warm and loving. You may not shout or pack them off to bed early.

Oh yes you still have to be desperate to rip your husband's clothes off and be fucking each other multiple times a day after 10 kids and 20 years of marriage. - unless you don't fancy it, in which case he's being abusive for suggesting that it's been six months and is something the matter? Or he doesn't fancy it, in which case he's being abusive for withholding affection.

If a husband cheats it's the other woman's fault for having an affair with a married man. This is always the case, whatever he's told her about his marital status.

You must date for a minimum of four years before considering cohabiting. Anything else is much too soon. After two years, however, you may call him your boyfriend and consider that you are in a relationship.

All solicitors are obliged to give you a free half an hour consultation.

There's no need to read the OP of a thread. It's far more interesting to things up to fit your preconceptions. ("I live with my husband in a house we own. We’ve been married for five years and have no children..." "OP, you have no protection unless you’re married to him. Get him off the lease and get custody of your children.”

All children of MNters are above average.

You must not live in a new build. You need to live in a 500 year old 8 bedroom detached house, farrow and ball throughout, solid wood furniture only. You may be excused if you live in central London whereby a 6 bedroom terrace is acceptable.

You may either be a SAHM or run your own successful business. Either way, you must employ a nanny or au pair. DH is to either be a surgeon or or a senior executive in the City. Family must not babysit as it is grabby of you. You must live no less than 250 miles away from your MIL, who, by the way, is toxic and DH is preferably NC with her.

You may only shop in LIDL or Waitrose, no in between. You eat all meals as a family at the table, never off a tray on your lap. An acceptable dinner would be lasagne (batch cooked) with salad. Your portion must never exceed 400 calories. Breakfast may only be eggs or porridge, other than Christmas, when smoked salmon is permitted.

Your clothes must form a capsule wardrobe and be made only of natural fibres. You hate M&S. You must only buy brands such as joules, Boden or me+em IN THE SALE or from charity shops. Strictly only second hand for your children.

Children may be permitted to eat McDonald's once per month provided this if after a swimming lesson, as this can be used as a tool to show you are relaxed and hilariously rebellious.

Nobody from your DHs side of the family may meet your newborn baby until they are at least 6 months old. They must come to your house, stay for only 30 minutes and serve you tea and coffee throughout the stay, as well as clean your house and do your washing.

You must be either size 8 or 8 stone, preferably both.

There's a Lidl or an Aldi on every corner of the UK, so there is no excuse for food poverty.

No one is on a pre-payment meter.

And yy, many have a partner or are married to a surgeon or doctor despite horrific grammar, punctuation and spelling and more stupid than even an EDL member could pack into one post. There was one corker of a post just a couple of days ago, accusing a woman in labour who had an 11-month-old CS wound of abusing vital NHS resources by going into hospital, but gave her permission to do so, as long as the OP was happy depriving someone who really needed it of care.

You can also compel adults of sound mind to visit a GP or even march him or her to one. For anything at all, really. He/she is probably just autistic or depressed.

You will do everything in your power for your teenage DC not to go to a former polytechnic because if they went to one it means a lifetime of dead-end jobs for your DC.

You always have a Booker or Pulitzer Prize or Women's Prize shortlisted book on the go. Books on the Costa Book Award lists just won't cut it.

If you take in a lodger, you're horrified if he or she uses the washing machine instead of going to the launderette on the high street.

Every vegan you’ve ever met is a braying hypocrite who eats foie gras for breakfast and goes fox hunting on Sundays.

Every woman is the victim ever.
Every male is abusive, selfish and wrong
Every single child who displays naughty behaviour has a disability
Every person overweight has a disability
Anyone who is finically comfortable should be eternally grateful and kiss the feet of others as they are so privileged.
If you see a child look upset you must alert SS who will act swiftly, fairly and remove them

You're not allowed to call yourself Mrs anything if you're a feminist. Miss is a bit dodgy too. Don't use the term maiden name either (I genuinely didn't know it's not PC anymore). I'm still confused...

Everybody has savings they can dip into in an emergency, even when they're in financial crisis, have lost their job or rely on benefits.

Thank you, @derxa

All ills are solved by taking a lodger

You must earn substantially more than everyone else but no one would know as you have no interest in new clothes, cars or fripperies

If you’re upset have wine or chocolate in large quantities otherwise don’t drink at all

You are emetophobic or have misophonia, whereas others don’t mind the sound of chewing or sick, naturally

The Scandinavian lifestyle is the pinnacle of perfection. You should be more than happy to sit in a sauna full of strange naked men - that's what they do in Scandinavia. Your primary aged children should not, under any circumstances, be driven to school. In Scandinavia, of course, children walk 10 miles to school and back alone through dense woodland in freezing conditions, because unlike us you stupid British prats, they buy the right type of boots.

6ft of snow outside and -10? Fuck off and get a grip, that's a hot summers day in Scandinavia ~tinkly laugh~.

Your wedding. Even to this day, everyone still mentions that your wedding was the best day of their life. It cost a total of £18.99, everyone "brought a dish to share", you held it in your back garden and your dress was a top brand new designer gown worth thousands that you cleverly bought on eBay for 2 quid. You're just such an excellent person, the privilege and joy of your company alone was enough to satisfy and entertain your guests.

Baby names must be English, classic, be spelt in the correct traditional way and not be in the top 100. Otherwise you may as well just call your child Bamb'iee-Mai Hun-Pryncesse, pack your bags and piss off to netmums.

You've never heard of "a Kardashian", Mrs Hinch or Meghan markle, as popular media is beneath you. As is googling the individual - it is preferable to reply to the discussion explaining you've "no idea who that is " to assert your superiority over those who consume such shit.

You’re just going to do nibbly bits.